Fake Newspaper Article Delta Airlines Gets Greedy!
DELTA AIRLINES GETS GREEDY!
Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.
DELTA AIRLINES TODAY ANNOUNCED THAT IT WOULD BEGIN AUCTIONING VARIOUS IN-FLIGHT SERVICES, INCLUDING SEAT SELECTION.
CUSTOMERS WHO BOOK ONLINE WILL BE PRESENTED WITH A NUMBER OF IN-FLIGHT OPTIONAL SERVICES, FOR WHICH THEY CAN PLACE THEIR MAXIMUM BID. OTHER PASSENGERS WILL BID AGAINST THEM. FOR INSTANCE, ON A FLIGHT WHERE A REGULAR COACH CLASS SEAT MIGHT SELL FOR $100, A COVETED WINDOW SEAT MIGHT BRING $200 AT AUCTION. WHEN A PASSENGER WINS A GIVEN AUCTION, THE AMOUNT OF THEIR MAXIMUM BID WILL BE AUTOMATICALLY ADDED TO THEIR TICKET PRICE AND AUTOMATICALLY DEDUCTED FROM THEIR PAYMENT METHOD (CREDIT CARD).
WHILE SOME PASSENGERS MIGHT BE MORE OR LESS OK WITH PAYING MORE FOR SPECIAL SEATS, MORE CUSTOMERS ARE CONCERNED ABOUT DELTA’S INCLUSION OF MANY OTHER SERVICES IN THE AUCTION PROCESS. FOR INSTANCE ALL FOOD AND SNACKS WILL BE SUBJECT TO AUCTION DURING THE FLIGHT. DOES THE FOOD LOOK PARTICULARLY GOOD? UP YOUR MAXIMUM AUCTION IN HOPES OF WINNING A MEAL. THIRSTY? DELTA CALCULATES THAT THIRSTY PASSENGERS MIGHT BE WILLING TO PAY $4-$6 FOR A BOTTLE OF WATER, DEPENDING ON THE LENGTH OF THE FLIGHT. HAVE TO USE THE TOILET? NOT A FREE SERVICE ANY LONGER UNDER DELTA’S NEW BUSINESS MODEL. “WE ASSUME THAT JUST ABOUT EVERYONE WILL NEED TO USE THE FACILITIES AT SOME TIME OR OTHER DURING A LONG FLIGHT. WE’RE HAPPY TO PROVIDE THOSE FACILITIES, BUT AS WITH EVERYTHING IN LIFE, CERTAIN EXTRA CHARGES MAY APPLY,” SAYS DELTA. GOTTA GO REALLY BAD? BUT YOUR CREDIT CARD IS ALREADY MAXED OUT BY THE COST OF THE TICKET AND A DECENT SEAT? DELTA CAUTIONS THAT UNDER FEDERAL GUIDELINES, GOING TO THE TOILET IN THE AISLE CAN BE CONSIDERED AN ACT OF TERRORISM, RESULTING IN ALL THE APPROPRIATE PENALTIES UNDER THE LAW. BEST TO CARRY SOME EXTRA CASH FOR ALL CONTINGENCIES.
DELTA INSISTS IT WILL NEVER BE “MEDIEVAL” ABOUT THE NEW AUCTION PROCESS. “WE’RE A COMPASSIONATE CORPORATION,” THEY SAY. “BUT FREE ENTERPRISE IS FREE ENTERPRISE, AND IF CUSTOMERS WANT TO KEEP DELTA IN THE AIR, THEY’RE GOING TO HAVE TO PONY-UP.” A COMPANY SPOKESPERSON SAYS THE AUCTIONS WERE NECESSARY TO KEEP THE AIRLINE FLYING, SAYING, “HEY! PEOPLE GOTS MONEY! WE WANTS IT!”
To create your own story from scratch,
using your own main image, please
click www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.
Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINE
Poster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINE
Small Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE
Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINE
Full size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE