Other Items (10)

Win at ScrabbleEvery. Single. Time.   FAKE DICTIONARIES Item Number --- FB-11     COMPLETE FAKE DICTIONARY -- ADD YOUR OWN DEFINITION!YOU'VE HEARD THE JOKE ALL YOUR LIFE: "LOOK UP 'STUPID' IN THE DICTIONARY AND YOU'LL SEE THAT GUY'S PICTURE.""LOOK UP 'LOOSE' IN THE DICTIONARY AND YOU'LL FIND ANNIE'S NAME.""LOOK UP 'ASSHOLE' IN THE DICTIONARY AND YOU'LL SEE A PORTRAIT OF MY EX.  Ever want to just make a point? Now, the English language is yours to corrupt.This may be the ultimate executive gift!  Cover Graphics May Vary. Paperback size. About 450 pages. This is a standard-size paperback book, professionally crafted.About 450 pages Stock No. FB-11 WANT MORE THAN ONE WORD/DEFINITION IN YOUR DICTIONARY? ADDITIONAL WORDS MAY BE SET; EXTRA CHARGES APPLY ($5/WORD). COMPLETE A NEW FORM FOR EACH EXTRA WORD -- THE ADDITIONAL CHARGE WILL BE MADE MANUALLY TO YOUR CARD AFTER YOU'VE CHECKED OUT; IT WILL NOT APPEAR IN THE TOTAL DURING CHECK-OUT, BUT WILL APPEAR IN YOUR CREDIT CARD STATEMENT. YOU'RE CHARGED EXTRA ONLY FOR EXTRA WORDS (NOT FOR THE FIRST WORD!).   REMEMBER:FHEKTUYEQ REALLY IS A WORD, AND NOW YOU CAN PROVE IT!   Item Number --- FB-11   You may specify "RUSH" shipping for this item, which will cause your order to be shipped via Next Day Air service, but please understand this item may not ship out for several days after we receive the order.   EXTRA WORDS: OCCASIONALLY CUSTOMERS ASK TO SET MORE THAN ONE WORD/IMAGE COMBINATION IN THE DICTIONARY. IF YOU'D LIKE TO SET MORE THAN ONE WORD IN THE DICTIONARY, PLEASE SUBMIT A NEW FORM FOR EACH ADDITIONAL WORD SET. THERE IS A $5 SETUP FEE FOR EACH ADDITIONAL WORD. THE TOTAL AMOUNT WILL BE ADDED TO YOUR CARD FOR THIS PURCHASE.   SHIPS SEALED IN SHRINK-WRAP (SO YOUR MARK CAN'T ACCUSE YOU OF TAMPERING WITH IT)   

Missing" Series Posters are $29.95and Measure 13.5 x 21 Inches Each You Receive Three (3) Identical Personalized Posters Posters are printed in strips of three.The strip measures 42" wide by 21" tall.      This poster series was designed primarily for the roasting of friends---put a few up at their local watering hole, at the birthday bash, or on the bulletin board at work. Perhaps there's room on the corkboard at the local supermarket. You just never know what opportunities will present themselves. Or it can have less humorous uses, like when Scruffy runs away (the ingrate). Or it can be deadly serious, as in the case of an actual missing person. In any case, you'll have to supply your own image. Simply fill in the categories you want to use and submit it. You may use any data you wish---you can be serious, or silly (as in the above example). You should also attach a picture of your victim subject at the end of the ordering process.   Close-up   Posters are printed on heavy poster paper, and are shipped in a roll tube, never folded. Larger sizes, up to 42 by 100 inches each, are available by special request.

Missing Child Flyersin BULK   There is no charge for this service   THERE IS PERHAPS NOTHING IN THIS REALM OF EXISTENCE MORE TERRIFYING OR HEART RENDING THAN TO HAVE A CHILD GO MISSING. MOST PARENTS HAVE EXPERIENCED THIS LIVING NIGHTMARE IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT AT THE FAIR OR IN A MALL, OR ON RARER OCCASION FOR A FEW HOURS AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD. THE PAIN IS INDESCRIBABLE. NO ONE WHO'S NOT FELT IT COULD BEGIN TO COMPREHEND IT. WHEN A CHILD GOES MISSING, YOU NEED HELP -- ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET, BE IT FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD, THE COMMUNITY, THE TOWN, CITY, COUNTY....AND IT'S IMPERATIVE TO GET THE WORD OUT AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. OFTEN, FLYERS ARE ONE OF THE BEST TOOLS FOR MAKING A COMMUNITY AWARE. THERE'S OFTEN NO SHORTAGE OF VOLUNTEERS TO POST OR HAND OUT FLYERS, AND THE MORE THAT ARE CIRCULATED, THE MORE VOLUNTEERS ARE RECRUITED. WE OFFER 1000 MISSING CHILD FLYERS PRINTED BLACK ON YELLOW TO ANY FAMILY WITH A MISSING CHILD. TO QUALIFY, YOU MUST PROVIDE US WITH A CASE NUMBER ON AN OPEN CASE, AND THE PHONE NUMBER OF THE PRECINCT OR LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCY WHICH ISSUED THE NUMBER. THE CHILD MUST BE 10 OR UNDER, AND HAVE NO KNOWN HISTORY OF RUNNING AWAY. ONCE YOUR CASE HAS BEEN VALIDATED, WE WILL IMMEDIATELY PRINT AND SHIP YOUR FLYERS. THE SHIPPING'S ON US; YOU'LL USUALLY HAVE THEM THE FOLLOWING MORNING OR AFTERNOON, DEPENDING ON THE TIME OF DAY WE RECEIVED YOUR ORDER. WE OFFER THIS PRODUCT TO LEGITIMATE CASES; CASES OF SO-CALLED "SPOUSAL ABDUCTION" ARE ABSOLUTELY EXCLUDED FROM THIS OFFER (WE HAVE LESS THAN ZERO CONFIDENCE IN THE COURTS' ABILITIES TO CHOOSE ONE PARENT OVER ANOTHER). THIS IS FOR REAL EMERGENCIES, NOT FOR CASES IN WHICH ONE PARENT'S LAWYER WAS SLEAZIER THAN THE OTHER.     GIANT CHECKS PERSONALIZED BOOKS PERSONALIZED FAKE NEWSPAPERS

We discontinued these in 2002, thinking the demand would soon be waning.We were wrong. –Back by popular demand: Laminated Wallet-SizedThis Item May Not be Personalized Terrorist Hunting License You’ll Receive Three (3) Identical Cards About Credit-Card Size Terrorist Hunting Licenses  FC-29 Cards are pressure embossed with a notary-type stamp in the center. NOTE: The embossed seal says, “PRESIDENT of the UNITED [USA] STATES OF AMURICA“.(America is spelled “AMURICA” as shown above, on the seal) We accept MasterCard and VISA, etc..“Terrorist Hunting License” generally ships within 1-2 days. 

Martha Stewart Living at its Finest Filled with vegetable oil and a hunk of metal that clunks gratifyingly when shaken Fake Cans Main Page Note: We don’t sell a “ready-made” Martha Stewart can.However, our custom fake cans may be personalized to suit.(Use the link above)

When you wanna get attention.... Giant Banners For More Than Just Birthdays: BIG BANNERS, HUGE BANNERS, GARGANTUAN BANNERS, HUMUNGOUSBANNERS, LARGE BANNERS, OVERSIZE BANNERS, INDUSTRIAL SIZE BANNERSTHIS BANNER ISN'T FANCY--IT'S JUST HUGE"FANCY" (AND HUGE) BANNERS BY SPECIAL ORDER     PERSONALIZED, CUSTOM/CUSTOMIZED FOR:WEDDINGSBABY ANNOUNCEMENTSWELCOME HOMECONGRATULATIONS   OTHER IDEAS:GET WELL SOONKEEP OUT!THIS WAY TO JOHN'S HOUSEHELP WANTEDWIFE WANTEDJOHN YOU SUCKWORK WANTEDLOST DOGSPARE CHANGE?SLOW THE %$#@ DOWN!OPEN HOUSEJENNY BARTHOLOMEW IS A SLUTGARAGE SALE HERE50TH ANNIVERSARYIT'S A BOYIT'S A GIRLIT'S THE CHILD OF SATANHAPPY RETIREMENTWE'LL MISS YOUHAPPY GRADUATIONHAUNTED HOUSEDON'T DRINK AND DRIVENO TRESPASSING!IS THIS BIG ENOUGH?CHRISTMAS SALE!GRAND OPENINGUNDER NEW MANAGEMENTCLOSED FOR REPAIRSSPEED TRAP AHEADFUTURE HOMICIDE SCENEJOE SCHMOE IS A PUTZTOM ARNOLD CAN'T BOWLSADDAM HUSSEIN IS A FAGGOT EILEEN TURNER HAS THE CRABS...   WELL, THIS LIST IS DETERIORATING, BUT YOU GET THE IDEA...     36 INCHES TALL BY AS LONG AS IT TAKES (UP TO ABOUT 150 FEET). PERSONALIZE THIS BANNER --- FC-33  CUSTOM BANNERS AVAILABLE ON REQUEST   WE GOT TIRED OF EXPENSIVE, WIMPY LITTLE BANNERS, SO WE PUT ONE ON STEROIDS. PRINTED ON PLAIN WHITE BOND, ABOUT THE WEIGHT OF LIGHT POSTER STOCK, INTENDED FOR INDOORS BUT WILL SURVIVE OUTDOORS IN NO-WIND, NO-RAIN CONDITIONS. THESE ARE HUGE BANNERS, DESIGNED TO GET NOTICED. SUPPLY ANY MESSAGE AT ALL  (WE'RE IMPOSSIBLE TO OFFEND). PRINTS IN A MEDIUM-DARK GRAY ARIAL FONT. FIRST 15 CHARACTERS (INCLUDE SPACES IN COUNT) ARE $40 MINIMUM, THEN $2 PER CHARACTER REGARDLESS OF LENGTH. THE BANNER SHOWN ABOVE MEASURES 36 INCHES HIGH BY 15 FEET LONG AND COST ONLY $55 PLUS SHIPPING. HAVE FUN.

Finally! A Reliable Portable Phone! No Setup Fees! No Credit Check! Unlimited Minutes! No Dropped Calls! No Batteries to Fail! Change Your Number at Will! Automatic Call Screening! Item Number — FF-00View Next Item    Stay in touch with friends and relatives RELIABLY!You know how undependable cellular phones have become.Carriers route too many calls through bandwidth bottlenecks.Local taxes make up as much as 31% of your bill.Corporate billings are often in error (to the company’s benefit, of course).Cellular “stores” too often staffed by rude & incompetent salespersons.Phone menus often complicated and difficult to navigate. Leave it all behind and move up to 21st Century technology with the F  O  N  E  !    …from TrixiePixGraphics    Product Graphics are Subject to ChangeEarpiece / Mouthpiece Features Protective Red Rubber Rim for Comfort and Sanitation   Nickel Plated Sound Resonators for Long Life & Attractive Styling   Highest QualitySignal Carrier String No Assembly Required   Shown as shipped, above, in clear plastic tube to set on your desk! Quantity: One Pair

Product Number FM-01View Next Item  Writers Wanted! Poets and Poetry Wanted!Short stories, book chapters, editorials, corporate publications Complete Fake Magazines Are these just fake magazine covers?Of course not. This is an entire magazine! Professionals:Add a touch of elegance to your office. For law firms, physicians, hair salons; Clients learn about your business and the services you offer, your successes, highlights, promotions and background.Writers:Present short stories and book chapters in a way that says class…Activists:Make a political statement that speaks loudly and hits hard.Resumes:Can you possibly imagine a more memorable resume?Poets:Highlight your innermost thoughts and dreams. Sample cover used when you want to display a portrait (use your own image)   What the heck is this?It’s the ultimate form of recognition. One of dozens of magazine covers to choose from   Don’t see what you need? Design your own from scratch! (click for info)   Sample of “customer-supplied” covers Commemorate your Father’s life, your husband’s career, your child’s achievements, an employee’s dedication over the span of a career, or your own success.   Supply your own cover picture if desired—otherwise choose one of ours. 66 page, full color magazine.Filler pages subject to change).   We’ll place and arrange your feature story.It may be about anything at all.   Your material is integrated seamlessly into the magazine, complete with references and page numbers in the contents.   The remainder of the magazine is filled with advertisements, and other stories of a varied and eclectic nature.   Change the magazine title to suit. Change the entire cover. Publish a story up to 3500 words with images.   If you’re looking for the ultimate roast, gag or honorary product, this is it. Our fake newspapers are cool. But this is the top of the line.   Use it for employee retirement, club-member appreciation, or to honor an old friend, co-worker or relative.   Your magazine will usually ship within about 5-7 days. Message: I just received my order today and it turned out awesome! I will recommend you guys to everyone I know. I ordered the fake magazine and I was pleasantly surprised when it came with a a glossy cover and pages for the articles inside. I assumed that it wouldn’t be, but it just goes to show that you guys go the extra mile to make it look like the real thing. Thanks againBob Hurlbut, artfxscreenprinting.com Detailed info: What things can I change? Item No. FM-01  You may specify “RUSH” shipping for this item, which will cause your order to be shipped via Next Day Air service, but please understand this item may not ship out for several days after we receive the order.

THE WEIRDEST GIFTS IN THE WORLD FOR THE ONE SALE PRICE OF $19.95 YOU GET TWO CANS. TWO UNIQUE LABELS ON TWO CANS!    

BUMPER STICKERS Multiples of 12, by the sheet or cut11.7 x 3 inches each, $23.95 / dozen uncut   We sell bumper stickers only by the dozen. You may order a dozen individual stickers, cut and trimmed. Or, if you’re sickeningly CHEAP, you can order an “uncut sheet” of a dozen at a discount (see option during checkout). You’ll then cut out each sticker with a small, sharp hatchet, hacksaw, or possibly a pair of scissors. Why do we only sell by the dozen? Because our printers are too large to be efficient at printing one at a time, and because everytime “we” make up a bumper sticker, we find that we end up putting one on our vehicle, another on a co-worker s vehicle, one or two on the neighbor’s car in the middle of the night, and we’ll give some away to friends or family who want to do the same irresponsible kinds of things.We have hundreds of sticker designs but no time to post ’em — and there’s virtually no money in selling bumper stickers in any case. We offer them here only because we make many for ourselves and friends, and the machinery and software is always in place. In the form below you can specify your text, OR upload your own design (one or the other). If you choose to upload your own design, please set your document size at 11.7 x 3 inches (landscape mode), and the resolution at no less than 100 dpi (300 dpi is better). We may slightly adjust your image so it will repeat as needed across our large sheets. Please do your final save (the final save ONLY) as a .JPG bitmap, at 100% quality, and upload that using the form below.All stickers are UV Pigment printed onto water-resistant white vinyl with a self-adhesive backing and a matte front, etc., etc.. If you submit a plain text string to be printed, we may or may not dress your text up a little (see below), depending on our present state of boredom and available time, and whether or not we fall in love with your sticker idea. If it’s reeking dog poo, or if we just don’t have time to make it cool, you’ll get only what you pay for (plain text with no embellishments). REMEMBER: Simpler is ALWAYS better. The form below allows for up to three lines of text, at 40 characters per line with a total set at 90 characters including spaces. That would produce a VERY crowded and “busy” bumper sticker. We suggest no more than two (2) lines of no more than 25 characters each, but of course the CUSTOMER is ALWAYS right. Snarf. You’ll find a few bumper stickers below that we’ve made for fun — for friends, the rear bumpers of ex-friends, soon-to-be-ex-friends, ex-bosses, ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, Glenn Beck, anyone named Hannity, O’Reilly, Obama or Pelosi, etc. These probably aren’t for sale — chances are they were a one-off, spur of the moment deal for some radical ne’r-do-well / malcontent who stopped by and we didn’t even save the graphic file after we capitulated to their threats and printed the sticker. We do NOT necessarily agree with or condone ANY of the sentiments displayed below (chances are we don’t agree with ANY of them), but we continue to post them here mostly to cause trouble, to stir up overly-emotional liberals and conservatives, and to bait fanatics in, in hopes they’ll flame us with some truly uninformed, bug-eyed shrieking rant, which we’ll eagerly post somewhere below along with their IP address and ISP. Now THAT……is ENTERTAINMENT.   We receive emails from around the world from folks who figure if we only knew about “their” killer bumper sticker idea, we’d surely be rich because no idea in the universe is better than theirs. Here are just a few of the ideas we’ve received since 1998. NONE of these are our ideas. We hold the copyright on nothing in this growing list. We post them here merely as seed for thought in thinking up your own custom bumper stickers. We have not read more than about 1% of these, so if you see something offensive, please let us know.