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"Doing Atkins"

Get Thin. WAY Thin.



This is a gag about the "Atkins Diet", conceived of by Dr. Robert Atkins. This is a joke---but the diet is no joke. It works, and it works almost painlessly. Trust us. We feel Dr. Robert Atkins will one day be known as one of the most heroic crusaders in modern medicine.


This piece is designed for your friend or relative who's "Doing Atkins". Give 'em a chuckle, a little morsel of moral support; let 'em know you're thinking about them and that you're behind them. This diet requires less "willpower" than probably any other diet ever devised, so your friend's success is virtually guaranteed, as long as they stay with it.


Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us. 


 Proof that "Doing Atkins" works; Before and after photos

Local Gal is Proof Atkins Diet Really Works

"I lost 296 pounds in only 11 days!" claims local woman 

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)

Local woman Casey Jones wanted to shed a few pounds, so she took up the world famous Atkins Diet barely two weeks ago. The controversial dieting regime, conceived by now-deceased Dr. Robert C. Atkins, M.D., forged a painful, lonely trail over the past twenty five years, beginning with Dr. Atkins' profound belief that refined sugars and carbohydrates were, in not so many words, the bane of all mankind.

Most experts disagreed in the early years, but as one study after another through the decades has confirmed Dr. Atkins' beliefs, the "Atkins Way" has arguably become the nation’s most effective, most painless, and therefore most popular diet ever conceived.

Ms. Casey Jones is one of the diet's millions of success stories. "Like everybody else I've tried them all," claims Jones. "I never felt good dieting. I was hungry, irritable, and whatever few pounds I managed to lose, bounced right back on like a rubber ball. I was constantly discouraged; I felt depressed and beaten. And for all my troubles, there was no real long-term benefit. I thought I was doomed to carry those unwanted pounds for the rest of my life."

Ms. Jones said she tried Atkins on a lark---what did she have to lose? One more diet in a long string of nameless diets, she didn't have any real hope of it working. But it did work. "I just can't believe it," says the jubilant mother of three. "I've never felt so good! I can run and play with the kids now. I have more energy than I've ever had. Of course I can't go outside on a windy day, and little birds keep perching in my branch-like limbs, but what the heck? I'm THIN, and that's all that counts, right?"

Casey does admit to being hospitalized recently for complications arising from being too thin, but claims it was "just a conspiracy by my family to make me fat again. They're just jealous of how great I look, that's all," Jones laments.

Friends and family disagree, saying they'll support Casey no matter how she looks, but as her mother complains, "This is freaking ridiculous! The woman's a twig for God's sake! She wears Barbie clothes!"

Jones says she finds a multitude of pastries, candies, lemon pies and the like on her doorstep every morning. "I think it's just some sicko leaving this crap," says Jones. "Lots of jealous people in the world. Jeeze" Casey does admit to one small irritation with the Atkins Diet. Referring to the sodium nitroprusside ketosis (lipolysis) strips many Atkins Dieters use for monitoring their ketone levels, Casey says, "I'm just tired of peeing on those little sticks, you know?"


See "Return of Twiggy" Page D-2


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Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINE
Poster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINE
Small Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE 
Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINE
Full size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE