Want Relief? Get Vaccinated Against WIMMEN (or men)
We can be vaccinated against DISEASES, right?
Ever look at that word: Disease? DIS--EASE.
Wimmen cause us to be DIS-EASED. (Some claim we cause the same reaction in them). Well, who cares---now there's help. Be the first on your block to get the MARRIAGE VACCINE.
--Easily rewritten for either gender, a thoughtful gift for someone in your life suffering a painful breakup. Or to explain to your soon-to-be-ex exactly WHY you've lost that lovin' feeling. Just say, "Honey? Ah bin kerred o' you."
Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.
Opposite sex got you down? Get a shot!
New Serum Dubbed "the Marriage Vaccine"
Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)
A Pensacola man, 39 year old Casey Jones, is the first American to receive a new vaccine developed by Whittier Labs, a Minnesota research facility.
Dubbed "the Marriage Vaccine", Whittier Labs is quick to point out that the breakthrough, whose chemical trade name is "nyetsx4moi", is not really a vaccine at all, but rather a chemical which, when injected intramuscularly, inhibits a person's interest in the opposite sex.
"What nyetsx4moi actually does," says company spokesperson Deborah Viccors, "is totally negate the body's automatic responses to the opposite sex. Men can take it, and so can women. In effect, it makes the opposite sex virtually invisible to the user. What I mean is, the user of this drug will view persons of the opposite sex as though they were persons of the same sex---there will be no sexual or romantic interest at all."
The Catholic church was quick to speak out against the drug, claiming it is "totally contrary to the will of God and the laws of nature."
Medical scientists, on the other hand, tout the new drug as a "choice provider".
Says Viccors: "Never again will the human race languish at the mercy of its basic, and often counter-productive and unwelcome, biological sex drives. Those who desire to be in a romantic relationship can simply elect not to take the drug. Those who have suffered from bad relationships, or who simply feel they have more important things to pursue in life, can take the drug and enjoy no distractions from the opposite gender. They can get things done. They can leave many social problems behind them. The point is that the opposite sex will have absolutely no power over users of nyetsx4moi. And won't that be refreshing!"
Whittier's first human guinea pig, Casey Jones, says it's "the most liberating experience of my life. I wish I could have gotten on this twenty years ago!"
The drug must be administered bi-annually at a cost of about $16 per dose. It is available only by prescription; doctors report the number of requests "beyond ridiculous".
See Happily Unmarried Page E-4
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Full size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE
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