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Got a Company Roast Coming Up?

 This piece has been requested for years. We resisted. Our customers insisted.
So don't blame us.


Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us. 

 High Tech Equipment Put to Dubious Use 

University of Washington Discovery

"This is done in the name of science," says Professor 

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)

A local man, Casey Jones, 32, has found himself the dubious recipient of scientific and media attention over the past few weeks.

"I just want it all to stop," says Jones. "Doesn't the world have anything better to do?"

Jones's fame-or his problems, depending on your point of view, began three weeks ago when he visited his physician for a routine checkup.

"I've always dealt with a particular doctor," said Jones. "He's known me all my life, and he understands my, uh, uniqueness. But my regular doctor was on vacation this time, and I had to get my checkup done to satisfy my insurance company."

Casey proved to be in perfect health, but his substitute doctor noted a physical anomaly which Jones has been careful not to advertise during his life.

"I'm small, okay?" said Jones, a bit derisively. "I was born that way; it's never caused a problem, and my wife says she's perfectly happy. That should be the end of it."

But Casey's interim doctor was so intrigued by the medical aspects of his patient's atypical anatomy that he talked Jones into undergoing further tests, simply for the sake of science.

"This guy told me a number of times that the tests would be strictly confidential, and that the results would never be made public. Apparently he just plain lied," opined Mr. Jones.

Casey's doctor disagrees.

"I don't recall promising Casey his case could be kept totally secret. I certainly didn't divulge it, but you have to realize that when you have a dozen or more technicians working on a case, well, a slip of the tongue, no pun intended, is inevitable. Regrettable, perhaps, but inevitable."

The University's new Blair Model 3322 electron microscope was commandeered for the project, and the results have been certified by lab personnel.

"Mr. Jones's penis," stated the physician at an off-campus press conference, "is, we believe, the smallest organ on record."

Indeed, measuring a mere .0003 microns in length, it took the University staff roughly three weeks to locate it.

"To put it in perspective," continued Casey's doctor, "If Casey's penis was a toothpick, a human hair would be a California Redwood. This is very exciting."

Asked if the discovery would be reported to Guinness for possible inclusion in the official record books, the doctor replied, "That would be in the poorest possible taste."

See "What is Poor Taste?"


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Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINE
Poster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINE
Small Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE 
Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINE
Full size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE