FORTEAN Blobs. You've heard of 'em, Right?
We feel a little sheepish about posting this one. That's because
we like to think of ourselves as creative. In this case, however,
we're just retelling a common story---the tale of
This piece works especially well because it's all true. Every word. And if
someone accuses you of bullshitting them, just tell 'em to go to
any search engine on the web and search for, what else?
We've had about eight such drenchings here in Washington. A few
years ago we uncovered tales of this goo dating back nearly
a hundred years. The stuff is real. The consequences are real.
We've had it fall here in Seattle. We've touched it.
We've washed it off our cars.
Let us make it fall on the neighborhood of your choice.
Don't you know someone who deserves this?
(Note creepy music)
Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.
Car covered with "white slime"
Another Dousing of So-Called "FORTEAN Blobs"
County subjected to pelting for four hours; analysis shows substance similar to other cases.
Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)
King County was subjected to a pelting of white, slimy globules that fell from the sky for nearly four hours on Wednesday. Scientists have come to refer to the phenomenon as "FORTEAN Globs", which have been reported for at least a century. Most reports have come from the western United States, however other instances include cases in France, Germany, Italy and the Scandinavian countries. The European cases involved slime which was brown, green or blue in color. None of the latter cases was ever subjected to scientific scrutiny, as were the samples that have been collected since 1994 in Washington State.
The Washington State Department of Ecology was the first official agency to properly study the phenomenon in October of 1994, after the Oakville, Washington area suffered a colossal covering on two separate occasions. In that instance, motorists in the region were brought to a halt when the white slime covered their windshields and could not be removed by conventional means. Several Oakville police cars were rendered immobile while officers struggled to clear their windshields. "It was like glue," commented one patrolman. "The more you tried to wipe it, the stickier it got. After awhile we couldn't even peal the windshield wipers away from the glass."
The goo is blamed for the deaths of numerous pets in half a dozen counties; the smallest animals seem to be the most susceptible. Humans have become quite ill after touching the globs, though no human fatalities have been reported.
Scientists with the Washington State Department of Ecology who studied the Oakville samples say the globs are made up of living animal cells. "Some large, some small, and all except one, unidentifiable". The one cell type that has been identified in the slime is human. Curiously, however, those cells are only the white cells, and none of those cells contained the cell nuclei.
"We have no explanation at all for that fact," said Mike Osweiler, with Washington's hazardous materials unit.
The blobs that blanketed King County on Wednesday appear to be the very same substance. Citizens are warned not to touch the globules, and to stay indoors when they are falling.
See Best Guesses Page D-5
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