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This One Works Anywhere

Playing on the old "Alligators in the Sewer" brand of local legends, few of which were ever true, we just expanded on the notion and gave it some credibility with pictures and print. We thought this one would be easily seen through, worth a chuckle or two and not much more---but it has proved us wrong. Many people, especially those who live in the areas described, have become visibly upset when they read the news, and vow to move immediately. We think it's because almost everyone has, implanted in their brains almost from birth, the seeds of those old stories about crocs in the pipes. They may have never taken the tales seriously, always assuming that they were bunk, or at least that they wereprobably bunk. But when they see this in black and white, in the news (which, of course, can never lie), it smacks home with double force, and they tend to simply believe it out of hand with no questions asked. Try it. You'll be amazed. As always, we'll write it for the area you wish.

Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us. 

Graphic Photo Shows Remains Inside Croc

Crocodile Found in Seattle Sewer

"We've seen babies (crocs) over the years, but this is a first!" Say Animal Control Officials

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)

A Seattle man, Casey Jones, got a surprise Saturday afternoon when he and a friend encountered a full grown crocodile in a Seattle sewer system near Alki Beach. The two were beachcombing and exploring a sewage outfall when they made the discovery.

"We found a big hole (tunnel) that was covered by brush, and we just went in," said Jones. "We were in maybe a quarter mile and we were just talking about turning around and heading back out because our flashlight was getting kind of dim. Then we heard a scraping sound, and when we turned around, there was this big (expletive) thing. It was like straight out of a science fiction movie. We just ran like hell."

Animal control officials responded with Seattle Police for backup.

"It took almost no time at all to locate the lizard," said an SPD spokesperson. "And the animal was 'dispatched' without delay."

In actuality, the animal was shot seven times with a Remington .338 magnum rifle before it was pronounced dead at the scene. It was then hauled from the pipe and examined by the King County Coroner's office. That's when the grizzly discovery was made.

"Yes," responded Jeff Goldwin, assisting the coroner's team. "We did find the remains of a partially digested Caucasian male, in his late twenties or early thirties. I can't comment beyond that at this time."

Off the record, authorities indicated the remains may be that of a homeless man who was reported missing by a companion only a few hours before. "It all fits," said an official who asked not to be identified. "The victim was still recognizable; he hadn't been in there long."

A search will be conducted to see if there are any more giant crocs in Seattle's sewers. Authorities say they can't even begin to speculate as to where this one could have come from. The grating that normally blocks the entrance to the outfall was repaired.

See Bats in the Belfry at the Capitol Page D-5

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Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINE
Poster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINE
Small Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE 
Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINE
Full size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE