Fake Newspaper Article LOCAL MAN CLAIMS WORLD RECORD BALL OF PUBIC HAIR
Largest Ball of Pubic Hair in the World
(Man fights Guinness for record listing)
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Ball of pubic hair rivals World’s Largest Ball of Twine
Local Man Claims World Record Ball of Pubic Hair
By Sammy Smith
AP Reporter
Spongebob, New Jersey—
Local man Casey Jones announced today that he was asking the Guinness Book of World records to proclaim his collection of pubic hair the largest in the world.
“I don’t really know how this got started,” commented Casey when asked why on Earth anyone would choose this type of thing to collect. “I started collecting my own, you know — those little hairs you always find on the rim of the toilet bowl. Instead of throwing away a perfectly good handful of hair, I just saved it.” When asked if the collection included hair from only men, Casey replied, “Oh no, this is coed hair. I don’t discriminate.”
Over the years Casey admits his quest for pubic hair expanded to include public restrooms, cheap motels, bathrooms of friends, even brothels.
“The Madams in the brothels always thought I was a little weird,” Jones admitted. “But for twenty bucks, you know, they’ll do just about anything. I’d go into the girls’ rooms where they took their customers, and there was always quite a bit of it lying around. Those were pretty good places to look.“
Representatives for Guinness who requested not to be identified have said flatly they will not consider Casey’s claim. “That’s just not an area we want to get into,” they said. “You publish a thing like that, and who knows what’s next. The largest collection of rodent’s testicles? We have to draw the line somewhere.”
Casey says he’s considering suing for inclusion. He claims no other collection in the country can even begin to rival his, and, he says, that’s news.
Recently Jones was allowed to display his pubic hair ball at a local mall. Interest in the collection was limited, and reactions were mixed. Most mall patrons complained of the smell. Jones admitted he had never found a good way to wash any of the hair.
“This is a mistake we won’t be making again,” complained mall manager Roy Argus. “This was the grossest, dumbest, most disgusting thing we’ve ever seen.”
Jones shrugged it off saying, “Hey, to each his own. I’m sorry the mall didn’t appreciate an accomplishment like this.”
Jones says he plans to take his ball on tour throughout the country. “This is my one chance to really shine, and I’m not going to miss it.”
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