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What is it About Alien Anal Probes?

Your brother-in-law has always secretly wanted one. Give him the gift that keeps on giving. (Remember to figure in enough copies for all his buddies, co-workers, relatives, neighbors, doctor, attorney, dentist, banker, his mother-in-law, etc., etc.....)


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 Object Caught on Film. Rescue Teams Transport Victim

Local Man Found Shackled to Tree-911 Response

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)

Local man Casey Jones was rescued by 911 workers late Saturday afternoon, after children playing in a forested area that morning discovered the man shackled to a tree with a blanket over his head. He was reportedly sobbing.

"I thought they were kidding!" admitted Anne Johnston, mother of two of the four children who discovered the man. "I feel bad about it-but I thought they were just joshing me and I didn't call the police right away. I hope that man doesn't blame me."

In fact, Ms. Johnston waited about twelve hours before calling 911. Rescue crews and Sheriff's deputies arrived just before dark and cut the ropes and shackles that held Mr. Jones to the tree.

"He was kind of blubbering," said Deputy Arsdale. "He didn't want to talk much except to say that it had been one hell of a long night. He kept repeating was something about aliens, and an anal probe, and being spanked. We couldn't really make too much of it, to be honest."

Jones was transported to a local hospital where he was treated for minor lacerations of the buttocks and "some rectal difficulties", and released. Meanwhile, local police stations and news agencies across the county were swamped with calls reporting UFOs in the area, and at least one photo was taken.

Jones's friends fielded requests for interviews, though Jones refused to comment personally on the incident to reporters. A relative confided, however, that Jones had been the subject of an informal search since the previous evening. "We didn't know where the heck he'd gone to," said the woman, who asked not to be identified. "He went out for a walk last night and never came back. Imagine, all night, tied to that tree, with those things doing whatever they did to him. That just makes a person shudder. He [Jones] seems fine now though. Just this anal thing. It's had an effect on Casey, you know? I just hope he can work through this."

Casey was glimpsed briefly by reporters as he left the hospital, walking like he had a dry stick up his butt, and looking a bit downtrodden. The Sheriff's office promises to investigate further.


See "Anal Probe; What is it and Why Do Aliens Like it?" Page D-6


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Small Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE 
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Full size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE