Great White Hunter Kills Deer with Bare Hands
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Struggle ensues---quickly turns into fight for life
Local Man in "Fair Condition"
When Good Animals Go Bad
Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)
Local deer hunter, Casey Jones, was mauled by a "killer deer" Tuesday afternoon while on a rain-soaked hike about 30 miles east of Puyallup.
Jones, 39, complained that he didn't even have a rifle with which to defend himself, and that the attack was "totally unprovoked".
Jones was hiking in the area when he heard some thrashing in the brush about thirty yards away.
"I just froze, you know, thinking it might be a bear. Maybe I had invaded its territory or something."
But it wasn't a bear---it was something far more vicious: a big carnivorous deer.
Jones said the animal poked its head out of the thick underbrush and seemed to "size him up". Then, said Jones, the big buck charged.
"I've worked bear country before," says Casey. "When a bear charges, you hold your ground, maybe back up a little, slowly. I've never been charged by a deer before. I wasn't exactly sure what to do!"
According to witnesses, the buck seemed to have vengeance on its mind, as it made a straight-line charge for Jones and knocked him down right off the bat.
"I thought that was going to be the end of me right there," admitted Jones. "Once I was on the ground with the wind knocked out of me, and that thing was snorting and digging at my body---I didn't think I'd ever get up again."
But Jones did get up, and fought the marauding animal man to man---er, man to beast, that is.
But while Jones was making uppercuts and roundhouse swings at the critter's snout, the beast got in a few good licks of its own.
Casey survived with only minor scrapes and bruises, and one fairly serious bite. When asked about the bite, Jones refused to reply. But a nurse confided quietly, "It was 'below the belt'."
"Can you believe a low blow like that?" piped up Jones. "What kind of deer attacks you for no reason at all, then bites you there?! That's just wrong. I knew then that buck was goin' down."
Jones was treated and released.
And what of the killer deer?
"He was kinda tough," admitted Jones. "But with a little tenderizer, a good, hot barbie, and about a gallon of A-1, he was delicious."
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