You Got a Beer Bottle Stuck WHERE?
Your friend got a beer bottle stuck in his butt? Hey! It happens!
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X-Ray shows predicament
Local Man Suffers More Embarrassment than Injury
"I don't usually do things like this," says patient.
Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)
A local man, Casey Jones, was admitted to Harborview Hospital in Seattle over the weekend complaining of "rectal pain".
"He came in with a blanket draped around him and walking 'real funny'," said a hospital nurse who asked not to be identified. "We didn't know what we were dealing with until--- until we got the blanket off of him. He didn't want to give it up, either," the nurse laughed.
Jones said he was at a party "just horsing around with friends, you know." One thing led to another, and before Jones realized it, he had a problem.
"We tried everything," said Jones. "It just wouldn't come out. At one point some of the guys got kind of rough. They were afraid they might have to call 911, and no one wanted to do that. So they started trying all sorts of stuff to get it out. That's when the top of the bottle broke off. That part really sucked."
"We put duct tape over the broken end of the bottle," Jones continued. "But still, no one could get it out. They all pulled and pulled. They seemed like good guys at the time. They worked on it for, oh, a couple of hours. Finally there was nothing left but to come on in [to the ER]."
Jones's friends put him in the back seat of a car, face down, and drove him to the hospital. They helped him out of the car at the ER entrance, and got the blanket around him.
"They helped me figure out how to walk. They pointed me at the doors. Then they ran like hell. They're all a bunch of bastards."
The wine bottle was successfully extracted from the patient around 3:00 a.m. He received an undisclosed number of sutures in an undisclosed location, and was sent home in a taxi.
Said one nurse, "We offered to bag up the bottle for him in case he wanted it as a souvenir, but he said that was in 'the poorest possible taste', and he stomped out. Imagine that."
Seattle PD says it has no evidence that any crime was committed, so it will not become involved in the incident.
See 'Just Old and Smelly...' Page A-11
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