Make Yer Sister Cry
Know those girls who're just a little too stuck-up? Want to send 'em a message? This'll do the trick and not hurt their feelings. (Good for onery big sisters, too) (remember to order enough for all her classmates)
Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.
Local Woman Cured of Congenital Malformations
"She Looks Almost Completely Normal!"
Early Childhood Photo
Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)
A Kent woman has undergone some of the most intensive and invasive plastic surgery ever performed on a human being.
Casey Jones has endured 23 operations in four years to redefine her appearance in its entirety.
"Ms. Jones suffers from a condition known as 'reptilica estradus magnaminous'," said doctor Thomas Elgin, a plastic surgeon of wide repute. "Casey's condition was as severe as any we've seen. Her skin was completely covered in reptilian scales. She had a tail. And you can see for yourself how hideous was her snout. I'll tell you frankly, I was afraid of her. And several of my OR assistants refused to come in the room until Ms. Jones was very securely restrained on the operating table. Oh, sure, there were a lot of jokes, like 'This ain't no veterinary hospital'; you know, crude things like that. But I believe in treating anyone (and anything) that needs my help. I took an oath, after all."
Ms. Jones had been prevented from attending public school because she frightened the other children. And sometimes she bit them. She couldn't talk because her throat was anatomically that of a crocodile. And she never seemed completely comfortable unless she was in the water, the more brackish the better.
"Casey has a whole new life ahead of her," said her doctor. "Yes, we do have some concerns about, well, about the possibilities of producing offspring. We're looking into that. But even if she produced a litter of chomping little crocs, imagine the research opportunities!" the doctor chuckled.
Ms. Jones's medical expenses, which totaled over 3.4 million dollars, have been waived by the hospital on the condition that she allow medical science to study her for the rest of her life.
Casey says she's happy to come forward and tell her story, if it will help others.
"We need to know where creatures like this come from," said a hospital spokesman. "She's a marvelous specimen, and she can teach us a lot. We can't wait to get our hands on her."
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Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINE
Full size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE
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