KNOW SOMEONE WITH THEIR HEAD UP THEIR ASS?
Know a guy who has his head firmly stuck up his ass? Of course you do. We all know a few. Send 'em the gift that keeps on giving.
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Medical Science Insists Feat is Impossible, but "Seeing is Believing"
Man to Register Talent with Guinness
"I've wanted to be able to put my head up my ass all my life!"
Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)
A local man, Casey Jones, says he has perfected a talent, the pursuit of which has consumed him all his life. Mr. Jones plans to market his odd skill to various entertainment fields, and will be formally registered with "Guinness Corporation" next month.
"The title of the record Mr. Jones will attempt to set has not yet been decided upon. The feat itself is self explanatory," said Guinness spokesperson, Emily Carter.
Mr. Jones has undergone seventeen surgeries over ten years in order to adapt his body to be able to accomplish the stunt. He claims the procedures were expensive and painful, "but it was more than worth it. This is the fulfillment of a dream," insisted Casey.
Doctors have almost unanimously denounced the practice, "the dangers of which should be self evident," warned Clifton Essent, M.D. "I can't imagine the man can ever have an normal bowel movement again. And let's examine the sanitary ramifications."
Jones counters by saying, "My bowel movements are none of anyone's business. For the record, though, I haven't suffered from constipation for years." When asked about sanitary concerns, Casey shrugged and replied, "Hey! I don't open my mouth in there! And I never try to look around."
Jones will appear on David Letterman next week. It's unclear if he'll be allowed to "perform".
See 'Assholes, an American Tradition' Page D-3
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Poster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINE
Small Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE
Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINE
Full size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE
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