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Bah, Humbug

You gotta be a little warped to enjoy this. Since we're a lot warped, we think it's funny as heck. If you're sick of shameless Christmas Commercialism, (and you don't mind being labeled a heinous killer) this one will suit you.


Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us. 


Suspect shown with Santa; several reindeer lay slain nearby

Santa Claus and Four Reindeer Slain!

Suspect Arrested, Released on Bail

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)

A Tacoma, Washington man, Casey Jones, was arrested Sunday on suspicion of homicide and cruelty to animals. He was taken into custody after witnesses reported the individual shooting at a man in a red suit, who was riding in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer, about twenty miles due east of Nome.

"This is a sad case," said Federal Marshal John Menthe. "We've identified the victim as one 'Kris Kringle', AKA Claus, Santa, age, uh, well, I don't have that information. Apparently Mr. Kringle was testing a new sleigh, and conditioning his reindeer for an upcoming trek in December. It's a common event in these parts. -Kind of a practice run for the old guy. Most everyone hereabout knew him."

Casey Jones had been querying local residents regarding this annual practice of Mr. Kringle. Several residents of Nome had been corresponding by mail with Mr. Jones, thinking he was merely interested in writing a story about Kringle.

"We never dreamed that this guy, Jones, had anything sinister on his mind." Said Hannah Barclay, who runs the Nome Chamber of Commerce. "He seemed so polite."

Authorities have traced Mr. Jones's actions during the 24 hours prior to the shooting.

Sheriff Wheldon offered an accounting of the facts his office has uncovered:

"Mr. Jones was tipped by a local that Kringle was out testing his new sleigh. That was on Saturday afternoon. Jones booked a flight to Nome and arrived within eight hours.

The suspect stayed in the 'Log Cabin' motel Saturday night, then headed out into the bush on snow shoes early Sunday morning. He carried with him a Remington .338 Magnum rifle, outfitted with a 15 power Leopold scope. It's not uncommon to see folks troopin' around the countryside with a rifle," added Wheldon. "Bears and all."

"Folks heard the first shots about 10:15 a.m.. A couple of village kids ran their snowmobiles out there to see if someone had had a run-in with a polar bear. But what those poor kids saw was---well, it was..."

Deputy Verger was forced to take up the Sheriff's place:

"Santa was just flyin' across the sky. It's a beautiful sight, if you've never seen it. This guy, Jones, was blasting away with that elephant killer of his. First one reindeer was hit, then another. They were screamin'. The sleigh was startin' to spin toward the ground. Four of the reindeer broke loose of the harness and flew off into the clouds. And Jones, cool as you please, just kept firin'." Deputy Verger paused to compose himself, then went on:

"You can all see the end result. Santa augured in like a meteor. He was probably dead when he hit the ground. Jones finished off the reindeer as they lay tangled in the harness. Then he just stood there with one foot on the old guy, yelling 'YES! YES!', until we cuffed him."

Jones was released on $1,000,000 bond and has returned to Western Washington. He was unavailable for comment at press time.

See Shameless Commercialism Page D-5


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Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINE
Poster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINE
Small Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE 
Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINE
Full size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE