Fake Obituary News Clipping

As Seen on TV

Fake/Joke Newspaper Write Your Own Obituary

(you know you want to) Just to See Who Cries

Otherwise known as your "Get Out of Christmas Free" card

You know how hard it is to find a TRULY unique gift. Well, now you've found one. Representing some of the finest, most outrageous entertainment you'll ever find for pocket change.

You'll receive multiple copies (2 copies when ordering "small" page format, or 1 copy of the "large" selection). You do NOT have to supply your photo (same price either way). The backs of each article are covered in generic, unrelated text to complete the look and feel of absolute authenticity. "Pocket clippings" are torn from the sheet to look as though they're torn from a real newspaper---which they are! Other formats are printed life-size on individual sheets. Our articles will fool virtually anyone. You'll keep these for years in scrapbooks and picture albums, you'll send them to relatives, friends, co-workers, ex-friends and victims, and you'll never again have so much fun for lunch money!

Don't wanna buy presents for your cousin's demon-seed kids? Then DIE! Just tell 'em you're dead. Nothing says "You ain't gettin' nothing from me" like a death certificate, or, in this case, the next best thing -- an official newspaper announcement of your untimely demise. Avoid that whole ugly Chevy Chase Christmas debacle by simply CHECKING OUT. No more bothersome holiday cards from relatives you barely know and friends you barely like. Just step off the planet. Who the Hell are they going to bitch at? You, the "dead one"? This shuts them up and leaves them no recourse. ....Makes a "handsome gift" for your enemies, too (let's 'em know you're thinking of them always).

THIS IS YOUR OBITUARY---OR SEND IT TO A FRIEND WHO NEEDS TO WAKE UP AND SLOW DOW, STOP SMOKING, GO ON THE WAGON, ETC.

THIS SELECTION INSERTS YOUR OWN, PERSONALLY-WRITTEN OBITUARY INTO A FAKE / JOKE NEWSPAPER (WHICH IS ACTUALLY A REAL NEWSPAPER, PRINTED ONE COPY AT A TIME). IF YOU ORDER THE "WHOLE" SIZE (YOU GET TWO COPIES), THE OBIT GOES ON THE BACK PAGE IN A SECTION WITH OTHER OBITUARIES AND MISC. PERSONAL-TYPE ADS, AND THE FRONT OR "HEADLINE" PAGE OF THE PAPER IS FILLED WITH GENERIC STUFF (I.E., STOCKS GO UP, STOCKS GO DOWN, THE PRESIDENT DOES THIS, THE PRESIDENT DOES THAT, ETC.).

IN THE "FULL" VERSION (YOU GET THREE COPIES), THE OBIT GOES ON THE MIDDLE-RIGHT SIDE OF THE PAGE, IN-LINE WITH A DOZEN OR MORE OTHER OBITS. SHOWN IS THE "FULL" SIZE THAT COULD BE INSERTED INTO A REGULAR NEWSPAPER, OR JUST MAILED AS-IS TO THOSE FORMER IN-LAWS IN OHIO WHO YOU DON'T WANT TO BE RUDE TO, BUT YOU'D REALLY RATHER THEY STOPPED SENDING YOU CHRISTMAS CARDS.

PICTURES ARE NOT GENERALLY USED IN THIS SELECTION, THOUGH YOU MAY INCLUDE ONE IF YOU LIKE.

NOTE: EVERY YEAR AROUND GRADUATION TIME WE RECEIVE ORDERS FOR THIS ARTICLE WHICH THE BUYER HAS ALTERED TO SUIT IN A WAY THAT DEPICTS THEIR SON OR DAUGHTER BEING KILLED IN A HORRENDOUS CRASH IN WHICH SOME INTOXICATED TEENAGER WAS DRIVING. THEIR THOUGHT IS TO HAVE THE KID READ THE ARTICLE, WHICH DESCRIBES THEIR OWN DEATH, JUST BEFORE THEY HEAD OUT TO THE GRADUATION PARTY OR THE PROM. HOPEFULLY, IT SHOCKS THEM JUST A LITTLE....AND SIX HOURS LATER, WHEN THAT SAME KID IS BEING INVITED TO STEP INTO A CAR WITH A DRIVER WHO'S "ONLY HAD A FEW", THIS NASTY ARTICLE WILL RISE TO THE SURFACE OF THEIR CONSCIOUSNESS, AND THEY'LL DECLINE, AND THEY'LL STAY ALIVE. IF YOU HAVE ANY PERSONAL STORIES ABOUT THIS TACTIC WORKING, PLEASE FORWARD THEM TO US AND IF SUITABLE, WE'LL POST THEM HERE.

HOW TO STOP A STALKER:

THIS ALSO WORKS WELL TO MAKE THAT HALF-PSYCHO, STALKER OF A BOYFRIEND MOVE ON TO OTHER VICTIMS!

SAMPLES YOU CAN MODIFY TO SUIT:

BEALLY, JOHN JUNIOR. JOHN JUNIOR BEALLY AGE 82, WAS BORN FEB 9, 1921 IN STERLING, CO. AND PASSED AWAY MONDAY IN SHORELINE. MEMORIAL SERVICES WILL BE HELD SAT., SATURDAY AT 12 NOON IN THE WASHELLI FUNERAL HOME CHAPEL, 662-5200. MEMORIALS PREFERRED TO THE MASONIC RETIREMENT CENTER. FLOWERS & GIFTS • CHARITIES • GUEST BOOK

——————————

COOM, MARY JANE. MARY JEAN COOM PASSED AWAY PEACEFULLY AT THE GENERAL HOSPITAL ON WEDNESDAY AFTER A LENGTHY ILLNESS AND COURAGEOUS BATTLE WITH CANCER AND PNEUMONIA. SHE SPENT THE LAST 15 MONTHS AT HOME, UNDER THE CARE OF HER HUSBAND, DICK. THEY WERE MARRIED 52 YEARS. SHE WAS BORN MARY JEAN HAUGEN ON FEBRUARY 6, 1929. A GRADUATE OF CLEVELAND HIGH SCHOOL, AND THE UNIVERSITY OF OHIO IN 1950. SHE WAS A MEMBER OF THE SIGMA KAPPA SORORITY AND AN ADVISOR THERE FOR SEVERAL YEARS; ALSO AN ACTIVE MEMBER IN A GUILD FOR CHILDREN'S ORTHOPEDIC, A MEMBER OF THE DAUGHTERS OF NORWAY FOR OVER 50 YEARS, AND A LONGTIME MEMBER WITH HER HUSBAND, OF THE SAND POINT COUNTRY CLUB. MARY JEAN ENJOYED TRAVELING THROUGHOUT THE WORLD, MANY VACATIONS TO LOS VEGAS AND RENO, AND ACTIVE IN A BOWLING LEAGUE AND BRIDGE WITH MANY FRIENDS. SHE IS SURVIVED BY HER HUSBAND; HER SON, STEVE, AND DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, LINDA; THREE GRANDCHILDREN, JEFFREY, JENNIFER AND ANDY; HER BROTHER RICHARD, AND MANY NIECES, NEPHEWS AND COUSINS. SHE WILL BE GREATLY MISSED AND REMEMBERED BY ALL WHOSE LIVES SHE TOUCHED. A FUNERAL SERVICE WILL BE HELD THURSDAY 12 P.M.; WASHELLI FUNERAL HOME CHAPEL. BURIAL, EVERGREEN MEMORIAL PARK. FOLLOWING THE SERVICE, A RECEPTION WILL BE HELD AT THE SAND POINT COUNTRY CLUB, FROM 2 P.M. TO 4 P.M. IN LIEU OF FLOWERS, DONATIONS MAY BE MADE TO MEDIC 1 OR CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL. PLEASE SIGN AN ON-LINE MEMORIAL. FLOWERS & GIFTS • CHARITIES • GUEST BOOK

——————————

FREDERICKSON, LUCILLE M. LUCILLE M. FREDERICKSON BORN SEPT. 9, 1913 IN BLACK DIAMOND, DIED MONDAY IN DES MOINES. BELOVED MOTHER OF HAROLD FREDERICKSON, WALTER (SUSAN) FREDERICKSON AND JOY FOSTER. SHE LEAVES NINE GRANDCHILDREN. A FUNERAL SERVICE WILL BE AT COLUMBIA FUNERAL HOME CHAPEL ON FRIDAY AT 1 P.M., WITH ENTOMBMENT AT SUNSET HILLS MAUSOLEUM FOLLOWING. FLOWERS & GIFTS • CHARITIES • GUEST BOOK

——————————

GAGNES, ARNOLD GORDON. ARNOLD GORDON GAGNES 1918-2003. ARNOLD PASSED AWAY PEACEFULLY AT HOME ON SUNDAY WITH HIS FAMILY BY HIS SIDE. BORN IN PORT ALICE, B.C. ON MAY 17TH. HE ATTENDED LATONA GRADE SCHOOL, ALEXANDER HAMILTON JR. HIGH AND LINCOLN HIGH SCHOOL, GRADUATING IN 1935. ARNOLD RECEIVED A BACHELOR'S DEGREE FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS AND A MASTER'S DEGREE FROM MASSACHUSETTS INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY, BOTH IN ARCHITECTURE. ARNOLD'S PASSION WAS HIS DEVOTION TO ALL ASPECTS OF ARCHITECTURAL DESIGN AND ENVIRONMENT WHICH WOULD BENEFIT THE HANDICAPPED. HE BEGAN WORKING WITH MENTALLY RETARDED PERSONS IN 1948 AND WAS INTERNATIONALLY RENOWNED FOR HIS WORK IN ARCHITECTURAL CONSULTING FOR THE MENTALLY HANDICAPPED. HE WAS APPOINTED BY GERALD FORD TO THE PRESIDENT'S COMMITTEE ON MENTAL RETARDATION AND CHAIRED MANY INTERNATIONAL CONGRESSES FOR THE HANDICAPPED IN EUROPE, SOUTH AMERICA AND AFRICA, IN ADDITION TO ACTING AS ARCHITECTURAL CONSULTANT FOR 29 STATES IN THE U.S. HE ENJOYED HIS HOME, WAS A MASTER FISHERMAN AND ALONG WITH HIS PASSION FOR FOOTBALL AND BASKETBALL, LOVED BOATING AND GOLF. PRE-DECEASED BY HIS DAUGHTER, JUDY, ARNOLD IS SURVIVED BY HIS WIFE OF 60 YEARS, ILA; THREE SONS, TERRY, RON (WIFE RANDY), AND RICH (WIFE JANET); AS WELL AS FIVE GRANDCHILDREN: DANIELLE, TYLER, CHANI, KAMIANA AND ANDREW. SERVICES WILL BE HELD ON FRIDAY AT 1:30 P.M. AT UNIVERSITY CHURCH. A RECEPTION CELEBRATING ARNIE'S LIFE WILL FOLLOW THE SERVICE. MEMORIALS MAY BE MADE AT THAT TIME. FLOWERS & GIFTS • CHARITIES • GUEST BOOK

——————————

RAYMOND EUGENE PHILLIPS. URBANA ILLINOIS. RAYMOND EUGENE PHILLIPS, 62 YEARS OLD, ENTERED ETERNAL LIFE ON AUGUST 5, 2003, AT NORTH AUSTIN MEDICAL CENTER IN CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS, AFTER A LONG, HARD BATTLE WITH CANCER. RAYMOND WAS BORN IN BALTIMORE, MD, TO JARED PHILLIPS AND EVELYN SAVOY ON FEBRUARY 3, 1941. HE JOINED THE U.S. MARINES WHEN HE WAS 17. HE WAS AN EXCEPTIONALLY QUALIFIED WELDER WITH MANY YEARS OF EXPERIENCE. IN HIS LATER YEARS HE FOUND FULFILLMENT IN TEACHING HIS SKILL TO MANY STUDENTS AT BLOOMINGTON COMMUNITY COLLEGE IN BLOOMINGTON, INDIANA. HAROLD IS SURVIVED BY HIS WIFE OF 25 YEARS, KATHRYN HALE PHILLIPS ; SONS, RICKY AND RAYMOND PHILLIPS JR.; DAUGHTER PATRICIA LAMB ; 12 GRANDCHILDREN; TWO SISTERS FROM BALTIMORE, MARGARET POWELL AND SYLVIA MACKY. THE FAMILY WILL RECEIVED FAMILY AND FRIEND AT THEIR HOME IN URBANA, ILLINOIS. MAN, HUSBAND, FATHER, GRANDFATHER AND FRIEND, YOU WILL BE GREATLY MISSED.