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JOHN ASHCROFT Tough Guy Item Number — FB-04 Okay. Let’s be realistic. 2003. We’re at war. Some really stupid individuals are doing their best to take from us a way of life that’s quite a bit better than their way of life. It’s serious, and serious steps need to be taken to protect us. Some toes are going to get stepped on—some rights bruised. But it’s survival time, and shit happens. The problem is that some of us are going too damned far. Cover Graphics May Vary Slightly. Size is roughly 3.75 inches wide, and about 6.5 inches tall (like a regular paperback). Thickness is +- 5/8 inches. This is a standard-size paperback book, professionally crafted.All pages are BLANK. Only the cover graphic is shown above.  If you want the BIGGEST laugh at your next political bull session, whip this baby out. You’ll be awarded the “Grand Poobah” for political incorrectness and Sahara-dry satirical humor. Hey—political satire is still legal, isn’t it?

SADDAM HUSSEIN If you hate his guts, and who doesn’t, you have to respect him for all the entertainment value he provides you.

GEORGE BUSH GAG GIFT GEORGE W. BUSHYA GOTTA LOVE ‘IM. RIGHT? Item number — FB-01 If you hate his guts, you have to respect him for all the entertainment value he provides you. If you voted for the guy, you have to admit that he has uncanny knack for looking foolish. We sort of like him, and wouldn’t mind seeing him serve another sentence  — er, TERM. But it’s still OK to have some fun at his expense. In fact, it’s a law.

Largish Gag Gift BoxesDelivered at the Most Inopportune of Times — Like the Wednesday Board Meeting— To the Yacht Club Picnic— To the Birthday Bash— The Bachelorette Party— The Stag Party— The Wedding Shower— During Your Mark’s Corporate Address— The Company Picnic— To Your Mark’s Hospital Room— To Your Friend, the Attorney, in the Middle of His/Her Opening Argument— To Your Psych Prof, During Class— To the School Principal, During His Assembly Speech— To David Letterman, While He’s ON THE AIR–The Possibilities are Limited Only by Your L.O.G.   (Lack of Guts….) Roast the living daylights out of your “friend” by delivering this carton to her office.Or gift wrap and present at her bridal shower. Leave it on her doorstep.Send to her parents (by mistake). For her birthday? How in the heck did we ever come up with an idea like this? Are we insane? Skip the Cheesy Story and Go to the Product Regrettably, no, we’re not quite…..certifiable yet. If we were, we’d be enjoying a relaxing game of invisible lawn bowling in some upstate looney bin, barking like a dog and talking to the Queen, not a bloody care in the world. Many years ago, the owner of TrixiePixGraphics owed a friend some loot —about $5500.This guy — the owner of TrixiePixGraphics — was a chronic malcontent and trouble-maker even then. So when it came time to pay back the money, he couldn’t simply write his friend a check. A trip to the local bank revealed that rural banks don’t really carry as much cash as one might surmise. Instead, this guy, the owner of TrixiePixGraphics, (we’ll call him “Bob”), had to pay several hundred dollars to have $5500 in “ones” delivered by armored truck from a bank in a nearby larger city which did have that much currency on hand. Much to Bob’s chagrin, however, even $5500 in $1s, packed neatly into a large shipping carton, wasn’t all that impressive. So Bob and friends stayed up half the night removing the stacks from their money-bands, and individually crumpling each and every bill. Now it looked like a bunch of money. Bob’s friend was living in Alaska at the time. Bob assumed he lived in a house or an apartment—whatever. So Bob insured the crate of loot for $5500 and shipped it off to Alaska, secure in the knowledge that his friend would get a chuckle out of the joke. What Bob hadn’t counted on, however, was that his friend lived in a hand-built log cabin seven miles by foot-trail from the nearest postal station, which was nothing more than an 8 by 25 foot travel trailer, far out in the bush of rural Alaska. About once a month Bob’s friend loaded his rifle for bears and made the four hour trek to the post office to see if anyone had written him a note. As luck would have it, Bob’s friend arrived at the postal trailer on the first of the month. The first of any month in rural Alaska is a big day, as most government subsidy checks arrive by bush plane for all the indigenous people’s of rural Alaska. This was a typical first of the month—the trailer was jammed with patrons wanting their checks, and the line extended several hundred yards back down the trail. Many very rural Alaskans are “frugal”. They live on a few thousand or even a few hundred bucks a year, and money is always tight. On the first of every month, however, the population indulges— in anything and everything. The drinking begins immediately, and lasts, for many, until the money is gone. The Alaska bush harbors some odd fellows and gals, and it’s not uncommon that by the evening of the first, the backwoods is rockin’. Finally, just before dark, Bob’s friend managed to get his turn at the General-Delivery counter in the tiny trailer. The postal clerk handed him a largish carton. Bob’s friend was perplexed. Thinking it might be a mistake, he decided to move over to an adjacent counter and open it right then and there. Unfortunately, Bob’s friend wasn’t paying alot of attention when he opened the box, and a handful of crumpled bills spilled out of the overflowing carton. This immediately caught the attention of the natives, several of whom cautiously drew closer to get a better look into the box—and with the synchronicity of a school of herring the realization struck them that here was more money than they had ever freaking seen. It was a fortune. Bob’s friend realized the danger immediately, and slapped the flaps closed on the box, and, forgetting about the handful of bills on the floor, bolted for the door and away down the trail, hoping he could maintain a sprinting pace all the way home—seven long miles in the dark. His later recounting of the tale brought to mind visions from 1930’s black and white Frankenstein movies, where the entire village rushes the castle with burning torches and pitchforks, and that seems to pretty-well describe Bob’s friend’s mad dash for the safety of home, with a herd of slavering drunken natives hot on his heels. He did make it safely, having lost only a few hundred bucks to the poorly sealed box, and to small rips and tears in the cardboard from falling onto rocks in the dark, and from limbs and brush tearing at the carton as he ran. Of course the sporadic trail of bills only served to spur his pursuers onward, like Hansel and Gretel following the trail of breadcrumbs. Bob’s friend reported that when he made his cabin the natives were not far behind—only seconds, perhaps. And that he barely had time to shove the carton under a table before the pounding at the door began. The natives just wanted to talk, of course—so said they. But Bob’s friend didn’t feel like talking, and steadfastly refused their kind offers and deals. He said about fifty men, women and children hung around until almost daylight, even braving a light blanket of snow that fell during the cold night. Kind offers of items, wives and children for sale, proposals of business partnerships, and threats of bodily dismemberment finally turned ugly, and occasional spats of gunfire broke out. But the cabin was strong, and no fatalities were reported. Some of the more determined tried to hack their ways through the roof with hatchets, but to no avail—Bob’s friend poked them with sticks whenever an opening in the shingles appeared. And one of the group had found a rusty timberjack somewhere, and was busily trying to insert it between the logs of the cabin, so as to thereby gain unwelcome entry and have a talk with Bob’s friend on more equal terms. But Bob’s friend dissuaded them from this activity as well. At daybreak the unruly mob gave up. All except an old Aleut woman and a child—surely her grandson. The woman was convinced that violence was not the answer to gaining access to Bob’s friend’s funds. So she set up camp and spent another 24 hours singing to Bob’s friend, non-stop—some high, sour, wailing native song, screached out like dry fingernails dragged across a blackboard. Bob’s friend said she just finally went away. We think he paid her off. In any case, Bob’s friend got his loot, and Bob got his entertainment, and in the end, all was well and good.

Hans blix mass destruction Hans Blix Weapons Inspector Item Number — FB-07 This guy seems to love the media attention; he acts as though Saddam is his bud; he seems to arrange the wording of his weapons inspection reports to glorify the smallest concessions by Iraq while glossing over their huge and glaring omissions–What the heck is up with this guy? Whose side is he on? Cover Graphics May Vary Slightly. Size is roughly 3.75 inches wide, and about 6.5 inches tall (like a regular paperback). Thickness is +- 5/8 inches. This is a standard-size paperback book, professionally crafted. All pages are BLANK. Only the cover graphic is shown above. Go HERE to see an example of a finished book. Update 10-2004: Guess what—There are no stockpiles of WMD in Iraq. Hans Blix has been vindicated! This Product is No Longer Available!

Really Blank Books Blank Book Gag Gift Totally BlankBook Item Number — BKB-09 Pages and covers are BLANK Make a book with any cover you can think of…Use the self-adhesive media of your choice to print and apply over the existing cover, to make your own cover. Self-adhesive paper not included Size is roughly 3.75 inches wide, and about 6.5 inches tall (like a regular paperback). About 300 pages. Print your cover sheet (print a test sheet first on regular paper), then simply stick your cover over the blank cover. Trim off the excess with any sharp knife or razor blade. That’s it! Stock No. FB-09 Questions? Try Our FAQs First!Return to Book IndexEmail

Clinton My Life Paperback You thought the softcover would never come out!! Finally. MY LIFE By Bill Clintonin Paperback Item Number — FB-12 But it’s here, in living color…Be careful what you wish for. We read a dozen pages of the “real” Bill Clinton book (“My Life”). And we almost gagged. This guy still doesn’t get it! It occurs to us that Bill Clinton might have been the kind of guy we’d have liked as a friend. But he should never have been the Prez. In re-thinking that, however, we take it back. If Bill Clinton had merely been the guy who runs the hardware store down the street, he’d be ruining marriages by boinking the help, his wife would have doctored the books and screwed the employees out of their benefits, and both of them would have lied until they were tripping over their noses. Bill and company would be just another neighborhood disgrace. Instead, Billy-Bob’s a National Disgrace. We just wish the guy wasn’t so damned likable. So here’s to ya, William! This is the book you should have written.  My Life By Bill Clinton Cover Graphics May Vary Slightly. Paperback size. About 300 pages. This is a standard-size paperback book, professionally crafted.  My Life By Bill Clinton We wanted to help Bill out with this product. Consequently, a few of the pages say what Billy might have said, if he had a frigging spine. But he doesn’t, so we said it for him. We also wanted to be sure the entire content of the book reflected the most basic and poignant issues of Bill’s life. We accomplished that. Random Page Views — About 300 pages total Views on BillViews on Bill 2Views on Bill 3Views On Bill 4Views On Bill 5Views On Bill 6Views On Bill 7Views On Bill 8Views On Bill 9Views On Bill 10Views On Bill 11Views on Bill 12 FB-12 My Life Review by Kerry Marsala Note: This product, like many on this website, will never sell in enough volume to warrant mass-production. Each item is painstakingly manufactured by hand at the time the order is placed.

Got Tax Blues? Join the Club! But Our FearlessLeaders Have a Plan,and it’s Revealed inthis New GovernmentPublication. Maybe. Item Number — FB-09 This year’s tax burden hit many of us harder than expected. How can this be when the administration says it’s been reducing taxes to stimulate the economy? We’re not sure. But we do know our government has a plan, and here it is, in paperback edition. Tax Releif and Economic Recovery Tax Releif and Economic Recovery Cover Graphics May Vary Slightly. Size is roughly 3.75 inches wide, and about 6.5 inches tall (like a regular paperback). Thickness is +- 5/8 inches. This is a standard-size paperback book, professionally crafted.All pages are BLANK. If you want the BIGGEST laugh at your next political bull session, whip this baby out. You’ll be awarded the “Grand Poobah” for political incorrectness and Sahara-dry satirical humor. FB-09

Bush Failure Item Number — FB-08 George W. BushThe Man Cover Graphics May Vary Slightly. Size is roughly 3.75 inches wide, and about 6.5 inches tall (like a regular paperback). Thickness is +- 5/8 inches. This is a standard-size paperback book, professionally crafted. All pages are BLANK. Only the cover graphic is shown above. Go HERE to see an example of a finished book. FB-08

Saddam Hussein Saddam has done a few decent things in his life.....right? Item Number --- FB-06     Cover Graphics May Vary Slightly. Size is roughly 3.75 inches wide, and about 6.5 inches tall (like a regular paperback). Thickness is +- 5/8 inches. This is a standard-size paperback book, professionally crafted. All pages are BLANK. Only the cover graphic is shown above. FB-06