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Mamma Told You They'd Get What Was Coming to Them
Brown Nosers. Who Needs 'Em.
Every office has one. Or two. Pick the worst one, then buy 'em a gift. They deserve it. You deserve it.
God said it was okay, just this once.
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 X-Ray Documents Office Worker's Predicament 
Doctors Vow to Study Bizarre Case
"I've Learned My Lesson," Says....."Victim"? 
Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)
A Tacoma, Washington woman, Casey Jones, was hospitalized Thursday afternoon for what doctors are calling "the most bizarre case on record".
Casey, 34, is a secretary at Johnson Tile company, where she's been employed for the past three years.
"Casey was always climbing that corporate ladder," commented one associate who asked not to be identified. "If you ask me, Ms. Jones was just a little too darned eager to please. But that's just my opinion."
"She's been like that ever since she came here," admitted John Smith, a ten year veteran of the accounting division. "We tried to ignore it as best we could, but it was pretty blatant."
The trouble apparently started Thursday morning when a number of Casey's co-workers noticed she was trying especially hard to Brown Nose the Boss.
"She brought him coffee, then she ran out and bought a box of donuts out of her own money. That was sickening enough. But Casey just kept on all morning. We figured she'd own this company by noon," lamented another disgruntled worker.
At about 1:30 p.m., just after lunch, Ms. Jones went in to see if her boss wanted any desert. She cleaned up his lunch dishes, then brewed a fresh pot of coffee, then apparently brought her superior a warmed wash cloth so he could wipe his face.
"But she didn't stop there," said Smith. "Next thing we knew, she was actually wiping the man's mouth for him. And when she missed a spot, she wiped it on her dress. It was right after that the accident occurred. We all saw it coming."
Edna Wilkins recounts: "The first thing we heard was a big sucking sound. You know, like when that last bit of water goes down the drain in the bathtub. That startled us, you know? Then there was a real sloppy sounding POP, like when a kid sucks on a lollypop too hard. We all knew what that meant."
Immediately thereafter Casey's boss let out a horrendous whoop and came skittering across the office floor on his hands and knees, and right out into the employee lounge. And Casey Jones was much too close behind.
"It took us all a minute to get our wits back," said Edna. "But it was clear the guy needed help, and poor Casey could hardly breath, her head was stuck so far up that man's ass. We called 911 right way."
Casey will be okay, according to hospital officials.
"She was without air for some time," explained her doctor. "But she's been treated for oxygen deprivation, and we expect to release her in the morning. As for her boss, well, he'll be walking funny for awhile, but the only scars he'll bear will be emotional."
See Getting Ahead Today Page D-5
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