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Osama / Usama bin Laden. The Cowardly Puke.

We ran a survey for awhile. It asked which instrument the reader would use if they stumbled across bin Laden some dark and stormy night---baseball bat, num-chucks, stick with a nail poking through it, bare fists, etc. etc.. Every single person, bar none, chose the "stick with a nail poking through it". No words can describe the evil and illogic and cowardice embodied in the man. All we can do is dream..... Maybe Allah will one day smile upon our camels and we'll find the son of a bitch cowering in a sewer somewhere. Then, well.....let the games begin.


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 Remote outhouse where Osama bin Laden was discovered

Osama bin Laden Captured!

Local man arrested for unlawful imprisonment---charges dropped

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)

In a bizarre discovery Tues day afternoon, local man Casey Jones, was arrested on charges of unlawful imprisonment, torture, and indecent exposure. His victim? None other than famed terrorist, Osama bin Laden.

The wild tale began when a local mom overheard her 3rd grade son and his friends talking about "the man stuck in the toilet out in the field". Intrigued, she coaxed the boys to tell her more.

It turns out the mystery man wasn't really "stuck", and he wasn't really in a toilet. He had been securely chained in an outhouse several miles out of town, with only his head protruding up through the seat.

"Local kids had been visiting the man for about five weeks," admits deputy Jordan Riles. "They discovered the scene while out playing, and they were invited to return as often as they liked, by Mr. Jones."

It seems Jones had stopped to assist a stalled vehicle on County Route 4 last month. "The vehicle was full of men of middle eastern descent, and Jones recognized one of them as Mr. bin Laden." said Riles. "One thing led to another, and bin Laden was finally caught and secured by Jones, after the bodyguards ran off. They're still at large," he added.

Jones had kept bin Laden in the outhouse for weeks, returning often with friends and family to urinate on him. Even the third graders took their turns. Jones kept his captive alive, barely, and apparently had no plans to let him go or to cash in on the reward-at least not for awhile. Casey was arrested after the childrens' mother called police, but was later released with all charges dropped. "We figure he [Jones] has been traumatized enough," said Deputy Riles. "We're not going to punish him all over again."

Bin Laden was removed to an undisclosed location, his condition reported as critical. "A lot of folks around here have been womping on him for a long time," conceded Riles, shaking his head. "He had about three hooves in the grave when we found him, but we figure he'll pull through."

The state department had refused to comment as of press time. 


See "Shat Upon for Weeks- Is it Really Torture Enough?" Page D-5


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