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Generic Books “Everything I Know About ______ “The ORIGINAL Fake Blank Book — May be Personalized We Hate Copycats: Read More About This Item Item Number — BKB-02View Next Item Everything I Know About….(customizable blank books) This is the customizable version of our blank fake books. They’re about 300-350 blank pages. All of our “blank book series” are softcovers and can not be distinguished from trade paperbacks. Cover Graphics May Vary Slightly. Size is roughly 3.75 inches wide, and about 6.5 inches tall (like a regular paperback). About 300-350 pages. Although we are a hard-cover book binding company, we don’t offer this series in hard cover. We feel the paperback cover offers far more versatility, customization potential and class than a simple foil-stamped (or paper covered) hard cover, which is now offered by various copycat companies. We’ve watched some of these companies attempt to offer paperbacks, but the product they produced was embarassingly poor. It’s too bad that people and companies can’t come up with their OWN ideas and products, instead of leeching from others. We wonder what the copycats tell their children; worse, we wonder what they TEACH their children!. This is a standard-size paperback book, professionally crafted.All pages are BLANK. Only the cover graphic is shown above. Go HERE to see an example of a finished book. Examples of creative titles: Everything I know About MONEY (by Nancy Smith) (your wife)Everything I know About SEX (by John Q. Doe) (your husband)Everything I know About HOME REPAIR (by your man the geek)Everything I know About GAMBLING (by Bob Jones) (right after his trip to Vegas)Everything I know About AUTO REPAIR (by your boyfriend) (after he worked on your car) Stock No. BKB-02 Questions? Try Our FAQs First!Return to Book IndexEmail Item Number — BKB-02 Any title you enter into the form below will print with this phrase preceding it: “Everything I know About…” If you meant to order a book WITHOUT this preceding phrase, please click here. Everything I know About FLYING (after your friend landed gear-up at his home airport)Everything I know About COOKING (after your mother-in-law’s disastrous dinner party)Everything I know About DIPLOMACY (by YOU!) (after the fight you started the other night)Everything I know About COMPUTERS (by the guy who supposedly fixed yours)Everything I know About SOFTWARE PROGRAMMING (by Bill Gates) (oops) Everything I know About SPOTTING SPEED TRAPS (after your hubby’s huge ticket)Everything I know About ROMANCE (by your EX boyfriend)Everything I know About FISHING (after your husband gets skunked)Everything I know About DEFENSIVE DRIVING (after that fender-bender)Everything I know About BRIDGE (by the losing club) Everything I know About HUNTING (by, who else, your husband)Everything I know About YACHTING (after that incident on the rocks)Everything I know About SELF DEFENSE (after your boyfriend gets mugged)Everything I know About HETEROSEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS (ahem)Everything I know About WORKING HARD (for the slacker in your office) Everything I know About GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT (by you know who)Everything I know About LOGIC (by your stupid, STUPID boyfriend)Everything I know About FORGIVENESS (by your stupid, STUPID boyfriend)Everything I know About LOVE (by the jerk who dumped you)Everything I know About PERSONAL HYGIENE (by the stinker at work) Everything I know About HONESTY (by the stinker at work)Everything I know About COMPETENCE and WORK ETHICS (by the stinker at work)Everything I know About ABSTINENCE (by the your cousin the slut)Everything I know About HONOR (by the stinker at work)Everything I know About MONOGAMY (by you-know-who) Everything I know About MEN (by your stupid girlfriend)Everything I know About FOREPLAY (by your ham-fisted boyfriend)Everything I know About FOOTBALL (after their team loses big)Everything I know About GOLF (by your partner who cost you the tournament)Everything I know About COMMITMENT (by your cheating ex) Everything I know About DISCRETION (by the friend who spilled your secret)Everything I know About MAKING BABIES (by your son-in-law with the low sperm count)Everything I know About HARD WORK (by your lazy nephew)Everything I know About FRIENDSHIP (by your turncoat ex-bud)Everything I know About SAFE SEX (by your friend with the, uh, social disease) Everything I know About STAYING FIT (by the fat slob who’s been harassing you)Everything I know About THE LAW (by the judge who stupidly ruled against you)Everything I know About BIRTH CONTROL (by your friend who’s pregnant AGAIN)Everything I know About THE MATING HABITS OF THE INVISIBLE PERUVIAN IMP FISHEverything I know About PASSION in MARRIAGE (by your frigid wife) Everything I know About RELAXATION (by your workaholic mate, friend or relative)Everything I know About DRINKING (by your coworker who barfed at the office party)Everything I know About FASHION (by the worst-dressed person you know)Everything I know About ANOREXIA (by the fat slob who’s been harassing you)Everything I know About FAILURE (by the winner in your life) Everything I know About INTELLIGENT THINKING (you know who it’s by)Everything I know About SUCCESS (by the dismal failure in your life)Everything I know About MANNERS & ETIQUETTE (by the slob in your life)Everything I know About THE SOCIAL GRACES (by the social clod in your life)Everything I know About COMPASSION (by your boss) Everything I know About FINE DINING (by Ronald McDonald)Everything I know About SKIING (by your friend who broke a leg)Everything I know About DEALING DRUGS (by your cousin who got busted)Everything I know About COVERT ASSASSINATIONS (by a really mild mannered friend)Everything I know About LSD (by your 82 y/o grandmother) Everything I know About SKYDIVING (by your 83 y/o grandfather)Everything I know About SEXUAL BONDAGE & TORTURE (by the prude in your life)Everything I know About THE HONOR ROLL (by the flunker in your life)Everything I know About EDUCATION (by the high school dropout in your life)Everything I know About QUANTUM PHYSICS (by just about anyone in your life) Everything I know About THE MONASTERY (by your playboy friend)Everything I know About POKER (by the guy you took for $1100 the other night)Everything I know About BOWLING (for the gutter-ball King)Everything I know About DEEP SEA DIVING (by your aunt who never learned to swim)Everything I know About LOOSE WOMEN & BOOZE (by the minister with a sense of humor) Everything I know About BRITNEY SPEARS’ BEHIND (for the teenager who lusts for Britney)Everything I know About HONG KONG’S NIGHTLIFE (for your Puritan friend)Everything I know About THE MUSTANG RANCH & BROTHEL (by another Puritan friend)Everything I know About LIVING HEALTHY (by the upcoming triple bypass patient in your life)Everything I know About MEDICINE (by the doctor in your life) Everything I know About ALIEN ABDUCTIONS (by just about anyone)Everything I know About TEENAGE GIRLS (by any teenage boy)Everything I know About WILLPOWER (by the smoker in your life)Everything I know About SOBRIETY (by the alcoholic in your life)Everything I know About PEACEFUL CONFLICT RESOLUTION (by the bar brawler in your life) Everything I know About ORGIES (by the virgin in your life)Everything I know About FINE MUSIC (by the punk-rocker in your life)Everything I know About GOOD CREDIT (by the slob who owes you money)Everything I know About SKYDIVING (for the aunt afraid of heights)Everything I know About SNIFFING GLUE (by the health nut in your life) Everything I know About THE DEVIL (by the born-again in your life)Everything I know About OPTIMISM (by the pessimist in your life)Everything I know About POLYSULFIDE ADHESIVES (by just about anyone in your life)Everything I know About OPULENT WEALTH (by just about anyone in your life)Everything I know About SIMPLE HUMAN COURTESY (by the asshole in your life) Everything I know About EVERYTHING (by the know-it-all in your life)Everything I know About OVERCOMING ADVERSITY (by the incurable whiner)Everything I know About REALITY (by a ditzy airhead)Everything I know About HOLDING MY LIQUOR (by the office-party slut)Everything I know About GOOD TASTE (by the social terrorist in your life) Everything I know About ANIMAL RIGHTS (by the shameless carnivore in your life)Everything I know About THE GOLDEN RULE (by the jackass in your life)Everything I know About THE SECOND COMMANDMENT (by the sailor’s-mouth in your life)Everything I know About THE FIFTH COMMANDMENT (for the wanton killer in your life)Everything I know About THE SIXTH COMMANDMENT (thou shall not commit adultery) Everything I know About THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT (thou shall not steal)Everything I know About THE EIGHTH COMMANDMENT (for the lying weasel in your life)Everything I know About THE TEN COMMANDMENTS (by the total slime-ball)Everything I know About BEING GOOD (by the bad girl)Everything I know About BALANCING MY CHECKBOOK (by the habitually overdrawn) Everything I know About INSECTS OF THE CONGO (by who knows)Everything I know About SEX, DRUGS and ROCK & ROLL (by the nice girl)Everything I know About THE RAPID TREATMENT OF SNAKEBITE WOUNDSEverything I know About PERSONAL FINANCIAL SECURITY (by the pauper in your life)Everything I know About MAKING IT BIG IN STOCKS & BONDS (by the guy who lost big) Everything I know About MODERN WARFARE (by the Iraqi Army)Everything I know About UNBIASED NEWS REPORTING (by Al-Jazeera TV)Everything I know About UNBIASED NEWS REPORTING (by CNN)Everything I know About CREDIBILITY (by Geraldo Rivera)Everything I know About MODESTY and GOOD TASTE (by Madonna) Everything I know About BABIES Everything I know About PARENTING

Fake Certificates are $16.95 and Measure 8.5 x 11 Inches You’ll Receive Two (2) Identical Certificates May be used as a gag stag party gift or to roast a friend on their birthday, etc. Personalized Fake Diplomas Certificates are pressure embossed with a notary-type stamp in the upper left These are not legal documents and will not be accepted by any government agency as such.In fact, you’ll probably end up in “TerroristJail” if you try to pass one. We’re sorry we even have to add this caveat: NO! We will NOT fill your order for a diploma from the “School of Engineering” in Dubai or Iraq! Our certificates are for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. If it’s not obvious that you intend to use this product for humorous purposes, your order will be cancelled. George W. Bush Graduates from Ninja School NOTICE: Please do not inquire about one-of-a-kind certificates. We make no certificates that do not have a mass market Small print reads: Has Successfully Completed the Course of Study Prescribed by this Institution and is Therefore Entitled to this Diploma AS Testimony Whereof We Have Hereunder Affixed Our Signature(s) This ________ Day of ____________, _____, at ___________________________ Ninja School, School of Ass-Kissing, Pervert School, Makeout School, Astronaut School, Spelling School, Niceness School, School of Tact, Stoopid School, Sex School, Computer Skool, Liar’s School, Drinker’s School, Crazy Driver’s Education, How to Skip School School… You can think of millions more. Frame one and display it next to the professional diplomas in your office to see how long it takes before someone notices. People often ask us, “How real do these certificates look, anyhow?” There’s no way to answer that since everyone’s idea of “authentic” is different. In some cases we didn’t try to make them look authentic. People also often ask if fake diploma certificates are “legal”.Legal to own for fun? Yes. (but check your local laws to be sure)Legal to use for fraudulent purposes? No.Our fake certificates are offered for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY and are so stamped. We can’t control what you do with them when you receive them, and we’re not liable for your actions. If we sell you a pretty polished rock, and you go out and throw it through someone’s window, we’re not liable for that, either. NOTE: The embossed seal says, “Certified [SEAL] Document”. You’ll receive three certificates, all of which are printed on “High Security Paper”, which is a peculiar stock into which many anti-copy schemes are incorporated. For instance: (1) When held under a black light a series of tiny red threads become visible.(2) A large “VOID” appears in the background in four positions when the document has been photocopied.(3) Micro text is printed across the entire document which disappears when rubbed.(4) “OFFICIAL DOCUMENT” icon disappears when rubbed.(5) Double Ghost Watermark is printed on backs.(6) Blue Security Background.(7) Security Information border. If all security features are intact, the document has not been copied. We accept MasterCard and VISA, etc..“Fake Diploma Certificate” generally ships within 1-2 days. What our customers say about us. More Certificates NOTE: When filling in your personalization formyou may NOT use the name of any existing school! Certificate Number FC-24   RETURN POLICY   TERMS OF SERVICE   CONTACT US   ABOUT US FAKE DIPLOMAS Fake Certificates are $16.95 and Measure 8.5 x 11 Inches You’ll Receive Two (2) Identical Certificates May be used as a gag stag party gift or to roast a friend on their birthday, etc. Personalized Fake Diplomas Certificates are pressure embossed with a notary-type stamp in the upper left These are not legal documents and will not be accepted by any government agency as such.In fact, you’ll probably end up in “TerroristJail” if you try to pass one. We’re sorry we even have to add this caveat: NO! We will NOT fill your order for a diploma from the “School of Engineering” in Dubai or Iraq! Our certificates are for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. If it’s not obvious that you intend to use this product for humorous purposes, your order will be cancelled. George W. Bush Graduates from Ninja School NOTICE: Please do not inquire about one-of-a-kind certificates. We make no certificates that do not have a mass market Small print reads: Has Successfully Completed the Course of Study Prescribed by this Institution and is Therefore Entitled to this Diploma AS Testimony Whereof We Have Hereunder Affixed Our Signature(s) This ________ Day of ____________, _____, at ___________________________ Ninja School, School of Ass-Kissing, Pervert School, Makeout School, Astronaut School, Spelling School, Niceness School, School of Tact, Stoopid School, Sex School, Computer Skool, Liar’s School, Drinker’s School, Crazy Driver’s Education, How to Skip School School… You can think of millions more. Frame one and display it next to the professional diplomas in your office to see how long it takes before someone notices. People often ask us, “How real do these certificates look, anyhow?” There’s no way to answer that since everyone’s idea of “authentic” is different. In some cases we didn’t try to make them look authentic. People also often ask if fake diploma certificates are “legal”.Legal to own for fun? Yes. (but check your local laws to be sure)Legal to use for fraudulent purposes? No.Our fake certificates are offered for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY and are so stamped. We can’t control what you do with them when you receive them, and we’re not liable for your actions. If we sell you a pretty polished rock, and you go out and throw it through someone’s window, we’re not liable for that, either. NOTE: The embossed seal says, “Certified [SEAL] Document”. You’ll receive three certificates, all of which are printed on “High Security Paper”, which is a peculiar stock into which many anti-copy schemes are incorporated. For instance: (1) When held under a black light a series of tiny red threads become visible.(2) A large “VOID” appears in the background in four positions when the document has been photocopied.(3) Micro text is printed across the entire document which disappears when rubbed.(4) “OFFICIAL DOCUMENT” icon disappears when rubbed.(5) Double Ghost Watermark is printed on backs.(6) Blue Security Background.(7) Security Information border. If all security features are intact, the document has not been copied. We accept MasterCard and VISA, etc..“Fake Diploma Certificate” generally ships within 1-2 days. What our customers say about us. More Certificates NOTE: When filling in your personalization formyou may NOT use the name of any existing school! Certificate Number FC-24 BUY IT The image below depicts all customizable fields. They’re shown in Arial red in this example, but print in Old English dark blue (like the word “DIPLOMA”).The image above depicts all customizable fields. They’re shown in Arial red in this example, but print in Old English dark blue (like the word “DIPLOMA”).

USPS Express 1-Day Signature Mail Shipping Upgrade   You may purchase this if you have already placed an order but you need to upgrade the shipping right away!

BUSH FINANCE GEORGE BUSH GAG GIFT GEORGE W. BUSH GRINCH Item Number FB-03 We sort of like him, and wouldn’t mind seeing him serve another sentence — er, TERM. But we find ourselves wondering about his economic foresight of late. Does he have any at all? Even if you like him, it’s still OK to have some fun at his expense. In fact, it’s a law.

Poster Size Newspapers Measure 42 X 75 inches!Poster Size is just the front page, no back side.Quantity 1 comes with 1 copy. Quantity 2 comes with 2 copies. You are able to input one article. Any additional articles or stories are an additional charge.You know how hard it is to find a TRULY unique gift. Well, now you've found one. Representing some of the finest, most outrageous entertainment you'll ever find for pocket change. You do NOT have to supply your photo (same price either way). The backs of each article are covered in generic, unrelated text to complete the look and feel of absolute authenticity. You'll keep these for years in scrapbooks and picture albums, you'll send them to relatives, friends, co-workers, ex-friends and victims!A Common Question:Will you edit or fix my mistakes?No. We used to do that. We don't anymore. In about two cases out of five, when we corrected someone's spelling, punctuation or grammar while setting up the template to print, we'd receive a semi-nasty email back from the customer a week later, explaining that "Grammmy" really was spelled with three M's in THEIR family, or that they left that comma out on purpose, or that Billy Ray was one word, not two, that nefarious was actually spelled nefarius in eastern Florida, etc. etc. ad nauseam---and we'd end up having to send them a whole new order for free. So, no, we don't change or correct anything. We'd like to; it drives us crazy not to be able to; but we've learned the hard way to keep our mitts off the content of your story. That's why it's doubly and triply important for you to proof-read your story before submitting, and have a friend or relative proof-read it as well. Twice. But what if something you send us doesn't make sense. Won't we correct it then? About a third of the stories that are submitted to us, make no sense to us! They make perfect sense to the author---but not to us. Usually it's some "inside joke", the meaning of which we're not privy to. We cannot possibly be in the business of second-guessing the author's intentions in every instance that's unclear to us. We print what you supply. Period.Please note:This product page is designed for those who wish to write their own newspaper story or article from scratch. If you submit your story from this page, your story will not automatically feature ANY image or picture, unless you supply them. You must supply your own image or picture from this page. If, on the other hand, you want to use the image that is featured with one of our pre-written stories, you must submit your article from that product page.To browse our pre-written stories, which come with their own images or pictures, please start from our home page and choose the category of story you're looking for.Thank you...If you want to write your story from scratch: Depending on which size you choose, you may also fill in such things as the newspaper name, the newspaper headline, the article title, the article date, and a bunch of other stuff. Most people would send a photo of the event they are describing, and also a photo of the individual they're writing about. This would be inset onto the main photo (we do that for you). Many people choose not to use any photo at all. It's entirely up to you. If we receive a photo, we'll use it. If not, we won't!If you decide to use one of our pre-written stories: You need to figure out which one you're going to use. You should start at our home page (here) and begin browsing through the categories. When you've found the story you want to use, simply fill in the form, click the SUBMIT button and follow the prompts. You may use the complete text of the article you've ordered, or you may use bits and pieces of several of our pre-written stories to make one story. You may change our pre-written story in any way you desire. It's entirely up to you. We don't care what you write, or how you write it. We do not read your material in any case. You may send us a picture of your victim to be used as an inset on the main image, or you may elect not to send us any pictures. By default we use the same image that appears in the sample; you may add an inset of your victim or not. You should fill in any of the spaces you want us to use with the text of your choosing. If you don't want certain things to be used (like the date, or the location, etc.), type NONE in the box. That's all there is to it.You do not "have" to use a story at all. Some people only want a headline (usually movie companies and playwrights). Some people only want a picture with no story, not even a headline. It's entirely up to you. Whatever you provide, we'll print. Whatever you don't provide, obviously won't be printed. When we receive your order, we'll arrange everything onto one of our templates. Once it's all arranged, we print, and then notify you when it's been shipped. You'll receive your order a few days after that. You may specify and pay for rush delivery.

Office Pools. What can’t you have a pool for? Dry-Erase Office Pool Poster 24 x 14 inches — extremely hi-gloss dry erase media.May be backlit or just pinned to a wall. Item Number — FC-32 Personalize This Poster Roast ’em in style…. Actual design may vary slightly What the heck is this?Most people know how an “office pool” works, but for those who don’t, it goes like this: Let’s say your co-worker is P.G. (that’s ’50’s talk for pregnant). You have a “pool” to predict when she’ll deliver. Fill in the “data” slots with the days of the month (or the weeks of her term), and whoever wants to be part of the pool scribbles their name (in dry-erase felt pen) under the “names” heading. Each person picks a day when they think Ol’ Jenny’ll blow—oops, we mean, give birth. Generally, everyone chips a dollar (or a dime) into the fund, and who ever wins, gets the loot. If it’s a tie, they split it (or fight over it and sue each other, whatever). You can scribble a crude graph onto a hunk of paper, but it’s, well, it’s crude. This product is printed on dry-erase media, measuring 24 inches wide by 14 inches high. It’s extremely glossy stuff—probably more glossy than glass. Any old dry-erase pen will work on it, and any drug store has them in a variety of colors. We’ve found that most felt pens work as well, but be careful you don’t use one that doesn’t wipe off. The dry-erase pens wipe clean with any tissue. You can personalize this pool sheet with a main heading (e.g. “The Bob Smith Pool”, and a sub-heading (e.g. “When Will Bob be Fired?”) And you can send a photo of your victim—er, we mean, you FRIEND or WELL LIKED CO-WORKER. Or you can upload your company logo, a picture of your dog’s butt, a picture of your butt, it doesn’t really matter. If you don’t upload anything we’ll stick some sort of generic design there, like a flower or a bug. On the form you can tell us to place the red circle with a slash through it over the face of your victim—er, we mean WELL LIKED CO-WORKER. Or not. You might title your pool sheet as we did in the example (“The Bob Smith Pool Sheet; When Will Bob be Fired”). Or, you might ask when Bob will get a raise, or when Bob might SHOW UP FOR WORK (great for the office slacker—they’ll usually sometimes get the message). You might hold a pool to try to predict when Bob will “get lucky” (in his work, ahem). Or when Judy will finally get P.G. Or what year cranky old Alex is going to retire. Or how many months it will be before Irene finally gets nailed and goes to prison for embezzlement. Or, for that matter, how many months before Irene gets nailed. In grade school our classrooms had pools for the World Series (the winners got ice cream). Who’s going to make the biggest ass / fool out of themselves at the Christmas party this year? Who’s going to be the first one to get caught BOPPING BETTY. Of course you don’t have to come right out and label your sheet the “BOPPING BETTY POOL”. You can be tricky, and just call it “The Betty Pool”. It’ll drive her nuts trying to figure out what you’re betting on. Think that jackass Mr. Beasen down in personnel might finally have a heart attack and DIE? Sponsor the “Mr. Beason Pool”. No one but YOU GUYS has to know what it’s for. You wouldn’t call it the “DEATH TO MR. BEASON POOL”. Just call it the “Mr. Beason Pool”. Secretive. Like that. When, exactly, do you think the scurrilous little squirrels and mentats down in accounting will drive your company to bankruptcy? List off the years. Could be sooner than you think, and the winner will be happy to have the hundred bucks from winning the pool, when your company’s paychecks bounce (by the way, it’s customary for the sponsor of the pool to skim 15% off the top—don’t feel bad for doing this.) When will Travis Jerkoff get sued for sexual harassment? Next month? Three months from now? No cheating—  Post a pool for your Little League team, for a Scouting competition, for the Presidency of the United States. How long before Dianna Dumps Dirty Derrick? Won’t be long. She’s a smart girl. When will bin Laden be caught and castrated? Hussein? Peewee Herman? President Bush? When will we see the second coming of Elvis? What will the DOW be on December 23rd? How many times this month will Fran be late for work? If you have lots of little schemes and intrigues going on, don’t personalize the sheet at all. Leave the picture area and title areas blank, then scratch in your own pool titles on the fly. This stuff (dry-erase media) has a half-life of about a thousand years. It’s nearly indestructible. Have fun. What kind of dry-erase pen or marker should I use? There are dozens, if not hundreds, of dry-erase markers available in every drug store and office supply depot. Most fall into two categories: (1) Slightly more durable, harder to erase(2) Less durable, very easy to erase The “Sanford” brand dry erase markers are designed in such a way as to not easily brush off if someone accidentally touches the board with a piece of clothing. Many dry-erase removal products are on the market — the Sanford brand pens and markers generally require the use of one of these products for complete removal. Isopropyl alcohol will also remove Sanford brand markers (be careful not to let alcohol or any other fluid come in contact with the back side of the media). Most commercial dry-erase removal products are alcohol-based. Remember, alcohol is FLAMMABLE (it’s used as fuel in dragsters). Keep away from flames and heat sources! Marks-a-Lot dry-erase markers (by Avery) can be removed with any soft cloth — no remover required. We suggest using only this type of marker. We accept MasterCard and VISA, etc..“Office Pool” generally ships within 1-2 days. What our customers say about us. Certificates and Other Kinds of Things $29.95 Item Number — FC-32

WE GOT TIRED OF BUYING A NEW CALENDAR EVERY YEAR. HALF THE TIME WE FORGOT TO GET ONE. MAYBE IT WAS MARCH BEFORE WE FOUND ONE WE LIKED. NO ONE COULD AGREE ON THE PICTURE, EVEN WHEN IT CHANGED EVERY FOUR WEEKS. WE WERE ALWAYS TRYING TO FIND ENOUGH SPACE TO JOT NOTES AND NUMBERS ON THE THINGS, AND AFTER WE'D CROSSED OUT A DOZEN SCRATCHINGS THE CALENDAR STARTED LOOKING LIKE WE'D SCROUNGED IT OUT OF THE DUMPSTER. THEY WERE NEVER BIG ENOUGH, EITHER, AND ON TOP OF ALL THIS, THEY WERE TOO DAMNED EXPENSIVE. SO WE SOLVED THE PROBLEM. Dry-Erase, Never-Ending,Universal Calendars NEED A 2059 CALENDAR? YOU WILL! (WE HOPE) TRY A CALENDAR THAT'S ALSO GOOD FOR 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013---WELL, YOU GET THE IDEA. LASTS VIRTUALLY FOREVER.JOT NOTES AND NUMBERS, THEN WIPE THEM OFF. MAKE YOUR OWN "PICTURE OF THE MONTH". PLENTY OR ROOM FOR APPOINTMENTS AND MEMOS.STICK IT ON THE WALL ONCE AND FORGET IT. FOREVER. THE COMPANY NAME MAY BE PERSONALIZED, OF COURSE. We accept MasterCard and VISA, etc.."Dry-Erase Never-Ending Universal Calendar" Generally leaves our printer within 1-3 days.

Make Deadbeats Pay withGIANT INVOICESAbsolutely, Positively Get Their Attention Item Number FC-28View Next Item  Giant Invoices are $35.95 & Measure32″ x 42″ InchesPrinted on Heavy Poster Media. Personalized Giant InvoicesItem Number — FC-28   We do accept checks (even giant ones), money orders,cashier’s checks, MasterCard and VISA, etc.. “Giant Invoice” generally ship within 1-2 days.What our customers say about us. Larger Sizes Available by Special Order More Gags Item Number — FC-28

Fake "Wanted Posters" are $29.95 and Measure Roughly 13.5 x 19 Inches Each    You Receive Three (3) Identical Personalized Posters Posters are printed in strips of three as shown.The strip measures roughly 42" wide by 19 " tall. This poster was designed primarily for the roasting of friends---put a few up at their local watering hole, at the birthday bash, or on the bulletin board at work. Perhaps there's room on the corkboard at the local supermarket. You just never know what opportunities will present themselves. Simply fill in the categories you want to use and submit it. You may use any data you wish---you can be serious, or silly (as in the above example). You should also attach a picture of your victim er.....subject. Posters are printed on heavy poster paper, and are shipped in a roll tube, never folded. Larger sizes, up to 42 by 100 inches each, are available by special request.

Item Number — FC-35 Employers: Be kind to the people who drive you nuts MAKE YOU RICH….Employees: Boss won’t pat you on the back? Congratulate yourselves! Employee of the Week Poster Or“Jerk of the Day”“Savior of the Minute”“Skunk of the Month” Employee of the Month, Mechanic of the Month, Programmer of the Month,Secretary of the Month, Girlfriend of the Month, Husband of the Month,Waitress of the Day, Driver of the Week, Dufus of the Hour, Idiot ofthe Millennium, Practitioner of the Moment, Brainiac of the Nanosecond You get to:Choose the border. Supply your company name.Choose the label (BLANK of the Month)(employee, programmer, secretary, etc.)Leave the time field blank or specify (Employee of the BLANK) (day, week, etc.)Leave the winner’s name field blank or have us print it permanently. We know that “we” work twice as hard any time we receive a compliment. Every company needs a way to reward the troops Choose your border to fit just about any situation:   Acorns  Ants  Apples  Army Men  Baseballs  Bell Peppers  Billiard Balls  Black Beans  Broken Glass  Butter Cookies  Butterscotch  Buttons  Candies  Candy Canes  Candycorn  Cat Food  Charcoal  Chattering Teeth  Chocolate Chip Cookies  Clay Stars  Clothes Pins  Coffee Beans  Cookies  Crayons  Cream Roses  Dark Ivy  Dog Treats  Donuts  Eggs  Fall Leaves  Firecrackers  Fish  Floppy Disks  Frangipani Mixed  Frangipani Pink  French Fries  Fruity Cereal  Garlic  Golf Balls  Greenbeans  Gumballs  Gummi Bears  Gummi Worms  Holly  Hot Peppers  Hula Girls  Impatiens Pink  Impatiens White  International Coins  Jelly Beans  Lemon Nut Cookies  Lemons   Lima Beans  Limes  Little Rubber Aliens  Lollipops  Macaroni  Marbles  Matches  Mixed Hardware  Mixed Nuts  Mushrooms  Oat Cereal  Old Keys  Oranges  Packing Peanuts  Pasta Shells  Peach Roses  Peaches  Peanuts Shelled  Pebbles  Penne Pasta  Philodendron  Philodendron Variegated  Pills  Pine Cones  Pink Roses  Pinto Beans  Plastic Monkeys  Playing Cards  Popcorn  Pretzels  Pushpins  Rawhide Bones  Red Hearts  Rocks  Rose Petals  Sand Dollars  Seashells  Split Peas  Starfish  Strawberries  Teacookies  Teeth  Tennis Balls  Tiboschina  Tickets  Tin Hearts  Tomatoes  Tortilla Chips  Umbrella Plant  Us Coins  Vegetable Vines  White Daisies All borders that aren’t shown as an image are printed as in the examples below About 24 x 17 inches   Dry-Erase media is flexible, tends to lay flat, is extremely glossy, and lasts “about” one thousand years.(It’s very tough stuff) Write on it with “Marks-a-Lot” dry-erase pen available at any drug store in many colors.  We accept MasterCard and VISA, etc..“Employee of the Month” generally ships within 1-2 days.What our customers say about us. Certificates and Other Kinds of Things What kind of dry-erase pen or marker should I use? There are dozens, if not hundreds, of dry-erase markers available in every drug store and office supply depot. Most fall into two categories: (1) Slightly more durable, harder to erase(2) Less durable, very easy to erase The “Sanford” brand dry erase markers are designed in such a way as to not easily brush off if someone accidentally touches the board with a piece of clothing. Many dry-erase removal products are on the market — the Sanford brand pens and markers generally require the use of one of these products for complete removal. Isopropyl alcohol will also remove Sanford brand markers (be careful not to let alcohol or any other fluid come in contact with the back side of the media). Most commercial dry-erase removal products are alcohol-based. Remember, alcohol is FLAMMABLE (it’s used as fuel in dragsters). Keep away from flames and heat sources! Marks-a-Lot dry-erase markers (by Avery) can be removed with any soft cloth — no remover required. We suggest using only this type of marker. $27.95Ships in a Heavy Poster Tube Item Number — FC-35

Fake Certificates are $16.95 and Measure 8.5 x 11 Inches You’ll Receive Two (2) Identical Personalized Certificates Item Number — FC-01 Embossed Seal Embossed Certificate Providing Irrefutable Evidence of the “Largest Penis in the World” (a great [disgusting] birthday gag). Obviously we had to place gray bars over all the risqué parts. The truth is WE can’t stand looking at them. We’ve made this certificate just as disgusting, offensive and obnoxious as we possibly could. Black-out bars are removed for printing. Trust us—it’s gross. Personalized, of course. (Must be 53 or older to order). We accept MasterCard and VISA, etc.. The item number is FC-01. “World’s Largest Penis” generally ships within 1-2 days. What our customers say about us. NOTICE: By clicking the ORDER button below you agree and stipulate that such material is not illegal in the state, county or town of delivery, that you do not find such material offensive, and that you will refrain from allowing minors or anyone else who may find such material offensive to view this product. This product is for entertainment purposes only, to be used as a gag and/or a joke, and not for illegal purposes such as but not limited to harassment or defamation. You agree to hold TrixiePixGraphics harmless for any and all mischief you may cause with this product. If you do not agree to the above stipulations then you must not order this product.  Item Number — FC-01

Fake Certificates are $16.95 and Measure 8.5 x 11 Inches You’ll Receive Two (2) Identical Personalized Certificates Universal Fake Certificates Certificate Graphics May Vary Slightly NOTE: The embossed seal says, “CERTIFIED WORLD RECORD“. You’ll receive two certificates, printed on hi-gloss heavy photo stock We accept MasterCard and VISA, etc.. “Universal Fake Certificate” generally ships within 1-2 days. What our customers say about us. Certificate Number FC-23 $16.95 Printed with archivable inks for zero fade Remember, we will NOT fill orders for any certificate that is not humorous in nature: “Certified Explosives Engineer”? Not a chance. “Dental Technition”? No way. “International Breast Inspector”? OK! “Make-Out Judge”? Certainly. “Sex Therapist”? Probably. “Cosmetologist”? Nope.

For the Loud Mouth in your life… Teresa Kerry Big Mouth Award The Teresa Heinz Kerry BIG MOUTH AWARD Item Number — FC-49 Here’s how we see it: (1) John Kerry is where he is today as a direct result of the fortune of Teresa Heinz Kerry (aka “The Ketchup Princess”). (2) John Kerry has many of the problems he has today due to Teresa Heinz Kerry’s BIG FAT MOUTH. Got a friend, ex-friend, co-worker, neighbor or boss also afflicted with a BIG FAT MOUTH? Send ’em a Teresa Heinz Kerry BIG MOUTH AWARD. Who knows….maybe they’ll “get it”. Certificates are personalized with: RECIPIENT’S Name Gold seal is pressure-embossed (not printed) and reads: CERTIFIED WORLD RECORD. 8.5 x 11 inches. Printed on heavy glossy stock Sez 65-year-old first-lady wannabe with a giggle in an interview with CBS News(!) “I’m cheeky, I’m sexy, whatever. You know…..” Celebrating the subtle yet important distinction between “Opinionated” and “Obnoxious”. We accept MasterCard and VISA, etc.. FC-49, “Big Mouth Award” generally ships within 1-2 days. What our customers say about us. $16.95 for 2 Printed with archivable inks Item Number — FC-49

Every couple of years some “service” comes along which offers to sell you an acre of the Moon, or to name a star after your girlfriend—whatever. These companies promise to record your “purchase” with some prestigious-sounding organization somewhere. We’ve seen the prices range from about $75 to over $500. We always wondered why folks fell for this, because there is not, and won’t be in your or our lifetimes, any agency which has exclusive or meaningful control over who names what after whom in outer space. Ten companies can charge to name the same star after ten different people—and none of it is “real”. So we thought, what the heck; all these people are really getting for their $75-$500 is a cheesy certificate which isn’t enforced or even recognized by any “real” agency anywhere. We decided to bypass the B.S. and offer a much nicer certificate, with a wider range of choices, for $16.95. This “Deed” isn’t recorded in any official office. And if you ever travel to Neptune you will NOT have the authority to kick some party-hardy slug-like Neptunian off “your” property. This is a gag gift, a novelty, a stocking-stuffer—every bit as “genuine” as the one your cousin back in New Jersey bought for $250. All the World’s Great Fortunes are Based on Real Estate Begin Amassing Your Own Fortune One Square Inch of Any Planet You Choose (except earth) Item Number — FC-38 Reverse-printed on “backlight film”, which is a kind of space-age-looking stuff. These certificates are gorgeous. The outer finish is more glossy than glass, and just about indestructible. May be framed, or may be backlit for a truly special effect. Lower left features a pressure-embossed gold seal. Extremely glossy, mirror-like finish Roll and tie with a scrap of ribbon (ribbon not included!) Backlight for a truly spectacular effect Certificates are personalized at the end of the payment process; specify “owner’s name”, name of planet, and date. We accept MasterCard and VISA, etc.. FC-38, “One Square Inch of Land” generally ships within 1-2 days. What our customers say about us. Certificates and Other Kinds of Things $16.95 (one certificate) Item Number — FC-38 

Every couple of years some “service” comes along which offers to sell you an acre of the Moon, or to name a star after your girlfriend—whatever. These companies promise to record your “purchase” with some prestigious-sounding organization somewhere. We’ve seen the prices range from about $75 to over $500. We always wondered why folks fell for this, because there is not, and won’t be in your or our lifetimes, any agency which has exclusive or meaningful control over who names what after whom in outer space. Ten companies can charge to name the same star after ten different people—and none of it is “real”. So we thought, what the heck; all these people are really getting for their $75-$500 is a cheesy certificate which isn’t enforced or even recognized by any “real” agency anywhere. We decided to bypass the B.S. and offer a much nicer certificate, with a wider range of choices, for $16.95. This “Deed” isn’t recorded in any official office. And if you ever travel to Neptune you will NOT have the authority to kick some party-hardy slug-like Neptunian off “your” property. This is a gag gift, a novelty, a stocking-stuffer—every bit as “genuine” as the one your cousin back in New Jersey bought for $250. All the World’s Great Fortunes are Based on Real Estate Begin Amassing Your Own Fortune One Square Inch of Any Planet You Choose (except earth) Item Number — FC-38 Reverse-printed on “backlight film”, which is a kind of space-age-looking stuff. These certificates are gorgeous. The outer finish is more glossy than glass, and just about indestructible. May be framed, or may be backlit for a truly special effect. Lower left features a pressure-embossed gold seal. Extremely glossy, mirror-like finish Roll and tie with a scrap of ribbon (ribbon not included!) Backlight for a truly spectacular effect Certificates are personalized at the end of the payment process; specify “owner’s name”, name of planet, and date. We accept MasterCard and VISA, etc.. FC-38, “One Square Inch of Land” generally ships within 1-2 days. What our customers say about us. Certificates and Other Kinds of Things $16.95 (one certificate) Item Number — FC-38