Pre-Written Funny Newspapers (74)

Alotta Danged Bears Downtown Another "Bear Downtown" theme. We generally inset a small, square picture of the client, and mention that he/she was chased by the bear to their car.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.    Local businesses visited by carnivorous patron.  Bear Finds Way to Downtown Police, Fire, Animal Control Units Respond  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A young bear found its way into the downtown area early this morning, and was cornered by law enforcement and animal control officials. "The animal just wandered around looking at things," commented a county animal control executive. Apparently the bear was observed shaking locked doors in the area, and using his considerable weight to try to push the doors inward. "It's highly unusual for a bear to make it all the way into inhabited areas like this," said another animal control employee. "Of course there are bears outside of town, but I can't see this animal making it all the way over here unnoticed. Someone would have called it in." No zoo in the area reported any missing animals, and animal control personnel suggested that the bear appeared to have been living in the wild, as opposed to having come from a zoo. Police set up a perimeter while animal control distracted the animal long enough for a zoo veterinarian to dart it. The bear did not immediately 'go to sleep' however, and spectators were kept out of the area until it was cleared sometime after 7 a.m.. "We try to never be surprised," said one man from animal control. "But sometimes we are." The bear was loaded into a truck, given a complete physical, and taken to an undisclosed location. "This bear won't have to be put down," said Earl Wenker, an associate at the Zoo. "He maintained his manners and didn't eat anybody. He was just curious---and maybe hungry. He'll be introduced back into the wild." Residents and business owners should sleep a little better tonight, knowing that. See WILD ANIMALS Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

This Bear Gets Around...   Your Apartment Building Goes HERE. Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.    Local businesses visited; woman chased Bear Finds Way to Downtown Police, Fire, Animal Control Units Respond  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A young bear found its way into the downtown area early this morning, and was cornered by law enforcement and animal control officials between Wall and Vine streets, on 4th Avenue. "The animal just wandered around looking at things," commented a county animal control executive. Apparently the bear was observed shaking locked doors in the area, and using his considerable weight to try to push the doors inward. "It's highly unusual for a bear to make it all the way into inhabited areas like this," said another animal control employee. "Of course there are bears outside of town, but I can't see this animal making it all the way over here unnoticed. Someone would have called it in. Still," he continued, "this is the Northwest." No zoo in the area reported any missing animals, and animal control personnel suggested that the bear appeared to have been living in the wild, as opposed to having come from a zoo. One woman, unaware of the bear's presence, came out of a shop along 4th Ave. and came almost face to face with the animal. Said Arlene Richardson, "It took a long time for it to register. I thought at first I was seeing things. Then I thought it was someone in a bear costume. Then the police started yelling at me to go back inside, and I realized it was really there. I don't know why I did it. I suppose I panicked. But I just started running." And the bear followed-at least as far as Vine St., where SPD officers jumped in between Ms. Richardson and her pursuer, and turned the animal back. Shortly after that, police set up a perimeter while animal control distracted the animal long enough for a zoo veterinarian to dart it. The bear did not immediately 'go to sleep' however, and spectators were kept out of the area until it was cleared sometime after 7 a.m.. "We try to never be surprised," said one man from animal control. "But sometimes we are." The bear was loaded into a truck, given a complete physical, and taken to an undisclosed location. "This bear won't have to be put down," said Earl Wenker, an associate at the Zoo. "He maintained his manners and didn't eat anybody, though, perhaps, not for lack of trying. I think he was just curious---and maybe hungry. He'll be introduced back into the wild." Residents and business owners should sleep a little better tonight, knowing that. See WILD ANIMALS Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

BASE JUMPERS HIT DOWNTOWN   Another chance for you to be a handsome or beautiful and famous daredevil. Well, we can guarantee the famous part, anyhow.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Police tackle BASE jumper upon touchdown from stunt  Base Jumper Apprehended Police, Fire Units Respond  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) Well known local daredevil and adventurer Billy Wilson got a surprise Saturday afternoon when he BASE jumped (parachuted) from the roof of a high rise building in downtown Seattle. Police were waiting for him to touch down. "I've BASED about 90 buildings across the country," says an angry Wilson. "I've been arrested about twenty times out of all those jumps. But I've never been beaten like I was on Saturday! That was ridiculous!" A team of "about twenty" SPD officers were alerted to Wilson's stunt, and had assembled at the most likely landing area on 4th and Union. Witnesses reported that Wilson touched down, and then immediately put his hands in the air as a token of surrender. "Then the cops just charged him like it was a football game," said a bystander. Bob Charlen, a senior Detective with SPD, said that he couldn't comment formally on the case until all the facts were in, but it appeared that Wilson "had made a threatening move", and that was the motivation for the police team to tackle him. Wilson said, "It's ironic---the jumps are always perfectly safe. It's the landing parties that're going to kill me." See DAREDEVILS, A New Breed, Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Only Seconds Left to Live....Order these unaltered and cheap.Or let us wipe your neighborhoodoff the face of the Earth...Better yet---let us flatten the neighborhoodof that really irritating person at work.Maybe they'll get fired for taking Thursday off. Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.   Is this the "Big One"? Astronomers Say No "Significant" Meteor Shower Headed for US"We do expect at least minor damage."Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)Scientists are unanimous: This is not the big one. So say observers and astronomers at the Lowell Observatory outside of Flagstaff, Arizona."We're in for a 'significant' event," admits Jane Armstrong, NASA spokesperson. "This is not the end of the world; we certainly need to stress that. It's possible that this event will come and pass almost unnoticed. But it's also possible that we'll see some considerable damage if they (meteors) strike in populated areas."The whole thing started nearly a week ago when observers around the world began tracking a batch of "rogue" meteors on a collision course with Earth."The fact that we spotted them at all is just luck," explained Ms. Armstrong. "This particular batch is too small to be 'looked for'. But many of these objects are certainly large enough to be a bona fide threat to human safety in the impact areas."Current estimates put the number of projectiles at "several hundred", ranging in size from dust, which won't even make it through the atmosphere, to pebble-size pieces of rock, to basket-ball sized chunks."People tend not to be afraid of something the size of a basketball," said Eric Steiner, NASA astronomer. "But even very small pieces, traveling at extreme velocities, say, 40 miles per second, bring with them the energy of much larger artifacts. For instance, you might compare the impact of a golf ball sized rock at very high velocities, to a rock the size of an apartment building, traveling at the speed of a modern jet."Astronomers around the world are calculating furiously to pinpoint the areas of impact. Estimates may vary slightly in the next few days, but at present the impact area includes about 50 square miles roughly ten miles southeast of Seattle. This would include the city of Renton, and possibly Kent.The meteors are expected to impact between 3:30 p.m. and 9:00 p.m. on Thursday.Radio and television will broadcast upgraded estimates as they become available.Evacuation of the affected areas will be mandatory, and will be enforced by the local Sheriff's offices, WSP, and the United States National Guard.See Kecksburg Sighting Page D-5 To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.  Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Organ Harvesters in a Theater Near YOU Organ Harvesters.We've all heard the rumors.Are they real or not?Who cares.Leave a few of these around the neighborhood, at the laundromat,on the bulletin board of the local Mom and Pop, in the lobbiesof hotels, motels, in 7-11s, send one to your Mother-in-Law.Order lots of copies. Then sit back and watch the fun. You tell us the neighborhood; we'll do the rest. (We offer another version of this in which the victim has a bandage over his face, and we feature you, or the person of your choice, as the "harvestee" with the photo you supply inset as usual. Great fun.) ARTICLE TEXT BELOW, FEEL FREE TO COPY AND MAKE CHANGES TO THE STORY YOU SUBMIT TO US.   Doctors keep vigil over local man  "Organ Harvesters" Strike Again Seventh Case in as Many Months Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A local man hovers between life and death after being assaulted by "organ harvesters"--- the seventh incident in nearly as many months, in four states. Ho Sing, a 34 year old warehouse worker, was found in his own bed in critical condition Thursday morning when he failed to report for work. His eyes and one kidney had been crudely removed. "The (thieves) took the organs in a rough and hasty procedure," said ER surgeon Dr. Donald Walker. "They made a half hearted attempt at closing (the incisions of) Mr. Sing after the, uh, operation, but it appeared as though they didn't really care if he lived or died." "There have been a lot of rumors flying around-'local legend' kinds of things," admitted Sgt. Adam Laskey with the Pierce Co. Sheriff's office. But we've only documented the three cases locally. We're hoping this isn't the beginning of a trend." It's believed that several foreign factions are responsible for the organ thefts. "These groups generally anesthetize an entire household by pumping various gases into a structure after a family is asleep," continued Sgt. Laskey. "It's silent and effective. Then they're free to enter the home at will, knock the victim out with an injection, and remove whatever organs they feel they can sell to desperate recipients. Often they botch the removal and the organ is wasted, and often they can't find a recipient with matching tissue types, and the organ is wasted. There is no crime more dumb than this." Three fatalities are associated with this bizarre crime; four more victims languish with near mortal injuries. See Need for Organ Donors on Rise Page D-5 To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.  Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Got friends or relatives overseas? Wanna ring their bell?   Just tell us the country you want "occupied".We'll do the rest. We'll create the map and re-word the piece.Then watch your friends "over there" vent and fume.Heck, just give the U.S. a few years-----it might not even be a joke then!   (This one's a little delicate. It's a JOKE, and is so marked on the reverse. However, it's not so prominently marked as to ruin the effect.)    Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Map shows area of SE Finland affected by agreement  Negotiations Culminate in Agreement Between US and Finland Displaced Fins to Receive about $2300 each (US) to relocate  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) The Bush administration, with the State Department, made a joint statement today regarding the outcome of talks and negotiations between the US and Finland. In a deal which was negotiated in secret over four years, the Finnish government has agreed to lease a huge section of southeast Finland to American petroleum interests. "This will in no way affect the culture or lifestyle of Fins in the region," insisted a State Department spokesperson. "We're going to considerable lengths to make sure that the American presence there will in no way intrude on the existing population." But not everyone is convinced. Said John Wilkhams, professor of sociology for Princeman University in Chicago, "What the State Department seems to be neglecting to mention is that American oil interests are gearing up to move over three quarters of a million American oil workers into that region over the next two years. That's not counting an almost equal number of support and peripheral workers, which will be Americans, not Fins. That's not a presence the Finnish population is going to be able to ignore." Indeed, it seems the State Department is not telling all. A program has been uncovered which allows for recompensation to Fins who wish to relocate out of the American occupied area, to more western or northern regions of their country. The base compensatory allotment is about $2300 (US equivalent) to each family who feels they cannot live in their homeland after the Americans arrive. "These people certainly do not have to leave their homes," commented Wayne Conklin of the State Department. "The US lease was granted for 99 years, which is a standard duration for such a large occupation. The only scenario which could even conceivably cause mandatory relocation of [the Fins] would be if there were concerns that the US personnel were unable to amicably co-exist with the existing population. In that case, of course," Mr. Conklin continued, "the US contract would take precedence, and perhaps some of the existing population might be displaced forcibly. We really don't think that will happen though," he was quick to add. American personnel are scheduled to begin moving into the region within 60 days. Many Fins are reported to be "extremely angry" over the deal. Small demonstrations broke out across the region within minutes of the announcement. See Related Story Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Caution: Use Only for the Nicest, Sweetest People   There are a few people in the world who deserve the kindest words. There may not be an abundance of 'em, but this is for those few gems. Just leave a couple lying around where co-workers will find them. Re-write it for gender.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Warehouse Employee Awarded "Nicest Employee" City Awards Warehouse Employee Title "It was an easy choice this year," said Gloria Johnson, spokeswoman for the contest. Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A Kent woman, Casey Jones, was awarded Kent's 39th annual "Nicest Employee" award. Casey works for XY Enterprizes, a regional distribution center for Hanson Inc. in the valley. "Well, sure, I'm happy to be chosen," said Ms. Jones, "but," she added in characteristic modesty, "I'm not sure I deserve it." But her coworkers disagree. "Casey has always been a rock of helpfulness and compassion," said John Walker, a dock worker. "No matter how unruly or obstinate a customer might become, Casey always has time to help them through a problem or a mix-up. No one deserves this award more than Casey. No one at all." "I wish I had a whole company made up of Casey Jones's," commented her boss, Rob Smith. "We have a fine crew here, and lots of these folks are deserving of their own awards. But Casey has always been special to us. We wouldn't know what to do without her." Dave Brown, a truck driver who's in and out of the warehouse most days, said, "I can always count on Casey to be one of the brightest spots in my day. I look forward to stopping at this warehouse just to see her smile." Paul Moore voiced an almost identical opinion, as did everyone else this reporter spoke with. "Casey is just a sweet, sweet woman," said another co-worker, Bette Davis. "I don't know if Casey knows how many friends she has here. Maybe it's time we let her know." "That's just what this award is about," said Gloria Johnson. "...to let someone know when they're cared about and appreciated. We're happy to have someone like Casey Jones to present it to."   See 'Good Help's Hard to Find' Page D-4   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Largest Ball of Pubic Hair in the World (Man fights Guinness for record listing)    Need to roast a friend, boss, co-worker, politician?If this doesn't get 'em, they're immune to being got.    Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.    Ball of pubic hair rivals World’s Largest Ball of Twine   Local Man Claims World Record Ball of Pubic Hair   By Sammy SmithAP Reporter   Spongebob, New Jersey—   Local man Casey Jones announced today that he was asking the Guinness Book of World records to proclaim his collection of pubic hair the largest in the world.   “I don’t really know how this got started,” commented Casey when asked why on Earth anyone would choose this type of thing to collect. “I started collecting my own, you know — those little hairs you always find on the rim of the toilet bowl. Instead of throwing away a perfectly good handful of hair, I just saved it.” When asked if the collection included hair from only men, Casey replied, “Oh no, this is coed hair. I don’t discriminate.”   Over the years Casey admits his quest for pubic hair expanded to include public restrooms, cheap motels, bathrooms of friends, even brothels.   “The Madams in the brothels always thought I was a little weird,” Jones admitted. “But for twenty bucks, you know, they’ll do just about anything. I’d go into the girls’ rooms where they took their customers, and there was always quite a bit of it lying around. Those were pretty good places to look.“   Representatives for Guinness who requested not to be identified have said flatly they will not consider Casey’s claim. “That’s just not an area we want to get into,” they said. “You publish a thing like that, and who knows what’s next. The largest collection of rodent’s testicles? We have to draw the line somewhere.”   Casey says he’s considering suing for inclusion. He claims no other collection in the country can even begin to rival his, and, he says, that’s news.   Recently Jones was allowed to display his pubic hair ball at a local mall. Interest in the collection was limited, and reactions were mixed. Most mall patrons complained of the smell. Jones admitted he had never found a good way to wash any of the hair.   “This is a mistake we won’t be making again,” complained mall manager Roy Argus. “This was the grossest, dumbest, most disgusting thing we’ve ever seen.”Jones shrugged it off saying, “Hey, to each his own. I’m sorry the mall didn’t appreciate an accomplishment like this.”   Jones says he plans to take his ball on tour throughout the country. “This is my one chance to really shine, and I’m not going to miss it.”See "Related Story" Page A-15     To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.     Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

A Practical Joke Designed to Make Your Boss as Famous as He Deserves to Be A little humiliation is good for the soul? And wouldn't you like to see your boss improve his soul? Of course you would. And we'll help you. (remember to order enough copies for the entire office staff; they don't copy well in the Xerox) Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.   Photos show ALH84001, a Mars rock once thought to contain alien life  "Organisms" on Mars Rock are Life---But Not from Mars  NASA Scientists say they've solved riddle of Mars rock.   Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)  Scientists studying the Mars sample ALH84001 have reached a conclusion regarding whether or not it contains the fossils of alien life forms, announced Diane Freeman, spokeswoman for the NASA panel.  "We have definitely concluded the rock harbors the remains---I said remains, not fossils--- of life forms," Ms. Freeman said to a somewhat confused crowd of reporters Saturday afternoon. "The organisms are organic. They are the leftovers of carbon-based life forms. But they originated right here on Earth."  A stunned crowd murmured their disappointment.  "As you know," Ms. Freeman went on, "There has been considerable controversy regarding this sample. In order to get to the bottom of it once and for all, we began a trace of the sample, a very painstaking trace of its movements from the time it was discovered, until it was placed into safe keeping in our laboratory. We've concluded that there was only one brief period when the sample was not under complete and unbroken quarantine by the scientists who brought it back to the United States. I'll introduce Mr. James Reavner to explain what we've discovered."  "Sample ALH84001 was technically 'exposed' for approximately 60 to 90 seconds, in the men's room of SeaTac Airport near Seattle," Mr. Reavner explained. "Mr. Farquarson, the man who was actually carrying the rock in his briefcase, had entered the men's room at this location during a brief layover of his flight to Los Angeles. At some point during his time in the men's room, he was approached by another gentleman, a Mr. Alex Gardner---actually he was spoken to by Mr. Gardner from an adjacent stall. Mr. Gardner's request was simple: 'Do you have any toilet paper?' Mr. Farquarson replied that his roll was empty as well, but that he thought he had a travel kit in his briefcase, and he would be happy to share with Mr. Gardner. Mr. Farquarson did, in fact, find some travel wipes, and he passed several to Mr. Gardner under the stall divider. While fumbling to pass the wipes, their hands touched briefly. We have discovered that what we thought was an alien life form from Mars, is actually the result of that contamination from Mr. Gardner to Mr. Farquarson in the men's room at SeaTac Airport. It is not an alien life form at all, but a rather virulent and aggressive form, a certainly rare form of jock itch, introduced by Mr. Gardner when he brushed hands with Mr. Reavner, and Mr. Reavner then later touched the Mars sample.  We deeply regret our handling of the sample, and we deeply regret the false alarm that has spread to every corner of the planet."  Mr. Reavner then invited questions from the reporters.  See Jobs at NASA Page D-5  To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.   Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Viagra. Miracle Cure or Dangerous Drug? Send this to your relatives in Iowa. Poor Bob. You'll miss him.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     First Viagra Fatality in Washington.  VIAGRA Claims Local Man Industry Insists Drug Still Safe    Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)   A Kent man, Casey Jones, was pronounced dead yesterday of an apparent overdose of the impotence drug "VIAGRA".    Jones had been taking the drug under his doctor's supervision for several months.   "We've seen a few fatalities nationwide," said Jones's physician, Dr. Johnson Bebig. "But those were related to a particular heart condition. Casey didn't have that condition."   Initial indications are that Mr. Jones had consumed seven times the recommended dosage in a 24 hour period. "That could be a factor," Jones's doctor conceded.   Mrs. Jones could not be reached for comment. She was admitted to the University of Washington Medical Center in Seattle several hours before Mr. Jones's demise, for exhaustion and difficulty breathing. Her condition was reported as "guarded" by hospital officials.   Services for Casey Jones will be held in the "Lady of Our Holy Orgasm Chapel", in Covington.   Jones is survived by his wife and forty seven children, living in various locations across the country.   Jones's co-workers offered a simple sentiment upon hearing of Jones's death:   "What a man."   See Crazed Sex Fiends in City Government Page C-4   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

The Horror... The Horror.....     Scare Your Friends. Impress Your Girl. Send Us Your Picture..   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Aftermath of Monorail Accident on 5th Ave. Seattle Monorail Jumps Track 23 Injured in Bizarre Crash  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) 23 passengers were injured, 4 critically, Sunday afternoon when the Seattle Monorail jumped its track and plunged 38 feet to the pavement below. Mike Walker, spokesman for the Seattle Center, said the accident is under investigation. "At this point, we have nothing to offer (the media)," said Walker. "We have crews en route the scene, and we're trying to get a chance to speak with the operator. We just don't have a clue what could have caused this." "It just fell off!" observed Marcia Moore, a witness who was walking on the sidewalk on 5th Ave., almost directly below the monorail tracks. "I heard it coming, and, you know, you always tend to look up to watch it pass. I was looking right at it. It seemed like it started to bounce or hop a few times, then it just started leaning sideways. And then it just fell over on its side, all the way down to the street. Sparks were flying. I guess it hit that SUV down there." The street was immediately flooded with patrons of local businesses as they ran from the shops. "We figured it was an earthquake," said Adam Laskey. "We heard a rumbling, then everything started shaking. Then there was an incredible crash. Just incredible." Police arrived within seconds and cordoned off the area. In the middle of it all they found Casey Jones, a passerby, pulling people from the inside of the train. "He was like a human dynamo," admitted SPD Officer Paul Neilson. "There was this guy in the middle of all this mayhem---people screaming and clamoring over one another trying to get out of the train. There was smoke and fumes from burning wires. When we (SPD) got there, you couldn't even see inside the (monorail) cars. But this guy, Jones, was in there just shoveling people out. The last person he brought out was a seven year old girl. When the firemen tried to take her from him, he wouldn't let her go. Then he showed the EMT's that he was plugging a severed artery in her neck with his finger. He rode all the way to the hospital with her, and kept his finger there until the doctors could get a clamp on the artery. He collapsed at the hospital from exhaustion, but they say he'll be okay. You gotta respect a guy like that!"  At press time Harborview had admitted 23 injured.    To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Seattle Collapses Under Strain of Quake Well......maybe it wasn't quite that bad...... (We can annihilate your city too)   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Buildings Left Askew in Wake of Quake  Major Earthquake Hits City! State Under "State of Emergency". Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) At 10:55 A.M. a magnitude 7.0 earthquake struck the Seattle area, centered 11 miles Northeast of Olympia at the apex of Nisqually Valley Delta and Puget Sound. Damage is reported as extensive and at least 12 are hospitalized. Western Washington has been placed under a state of emergency. Police and fire resources are strained. Sea-Tac Airport is closed until further notice, and highway traffic in and out of the area is limited. Telephone outages are widespread, with cell capabilities being completely overwhelmed, and hard-wire telephone service being heavily strained. Many downtown buildings have sustained structural damage, and at least two search and rescue operations were underway inside collapsed buildings at press time. The Pioneer Square area of Seattle seems to have sustained the worst damage, being home to most of the area's oldest buildings. See Related Story Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

This Will be Believed by so Many People That...   It'll SCARE You. (Personalized on request---be "Chief of Operations", or the "23rd Car to Drive the Span") Supplement, 03-16-01: We recently did a promotion in which we sent out several hundred copies of this article to news agencies all over the country, with a one-line note which said:  "We'd like to see you cover more important stories such as this." We are still receiving replies from reporters and editors which apologize for not covering the story of the Pacific Bridge, saying it was "just too far out of their news area". Ahhhh..... our media..... We told  you you'd be scared. We are!   The following is an actual email we received.The sender's name has been blocked:   To: trixiepixgraphicsSubject: Re: Please cover the really important news storiesDate: Sun, 18 Mar 2001 08:34:34 +0000 Dear friend, We have not covered this story because first we had not heard of it, and second, we would need a political or environmental angle on it. Is there such an aspect? It does not seem so from the story. If you know more, please let us know. thanks, XXXXX X for the Free Press       Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     New bridge scheduled for completion in mid 2006 Pacific Bridge Progress Ahead of Schedule Airlines Fear Loss of Revenue; Call Span "Unfair Competition" Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) Project authorities announced today that the "Pacific Bridge" project (sometimes referred to as the Pacific Span) is ahead of schedule and under budget---good news for taxpayers. "We expect to see traffic flowing from Coos Bay to Hawaii in mid 2005," said Paul Kimble, chief architect for the project. "We're very pleased with our progress, and we think we can maintain the pace through completion." Constance Construction, the primary contractor on the project, openly admits that the rapid progress has been due to "irregular" weather---meaning lighter winds and fewer winter storms than normal, a possible side-effect of global warming. "Weather is critical to a floating span," said Mr. Kimble. "The calmer the ocean, the faster we can fit floating span segments, and the more miles we can cover each week." The toll for the bridge is expected to be hefty---perhaps as high as $250 for one car and two occupants, each way. Still, major US airlines are calling foul on the Federal Government, citing 'unfair competition'. "We need a certain reliable flow of consumers to keep our trans-Pacific flights operating," lamented Jane Hellings, spokesperson for a conglomeration of airline-oriented corporations. "We're concerned that this (new bridge) is going to leech customers away from the air travel market, which will ultimately cause some of those carriers to fail and collapse. We don't feel the Federal Government has any business funding projects that compete with us---and this bridge is a blatant example of direct competition." Government officials counter that the bridge has been needed for decades, and that construction is for the greater public good, and therefore warranted. In any case, Pacific Island Real Estate values are expected to soar, while tourism in the Coos Bay area is expected to increase by as much as ten thousand percent within two years of the completion of the bridge. "This is America's 'Chunnel'," commented Senator Bill Campbell. "England has its great historical bookmark, which is the tunnel under the English Channel from the UK to France. Now we (Americans) have something just as romantic and impressive in our resume. See End of an Era? Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Broken Appendages are Never Fun We actually know a guy this happened to. Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.   X-Ray shows problem after series of missed diagnosis Medical Science Admits Mistakes; Patient Finally on Way to Recovery"We Just Don't Know How We Missed it," Claims Panel of Physicians Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)A Kent man says he feels confident he's on the road to recovery, after eleven long years of suffering."I've been hounding these doctors for over ten years," says Casey Jones. "I've told them over and over that it's not a psychological problem---the problem's right here!"Mr. Jones first realized he had a problem over ten years ago when he experienced "difficulties". He sought help from nine doctors in three states."They kept sending me to shrinks," said Jones. "Then they started making me take Viagra. That just made it hurt all the more!"Doctors admit they had misdiagnosed Mr. Jones for years, and claim they don't know how the mistakes seemed to keep happening."The patient told us what was wrong; we (the medical profession) just refused to believe him. He's got a broken boner. It's just that simple."Casey says his doctors are working on ways to mend the fracture. So far, all they've come up with is a plaster cast. "But I don't think that's really the right avenue to pursue," said Casey.Asked what he thought would help his condition, Jones replied, "Hell if I know. I'm just a truck driver. I pay the doctors to figure that out."Jones's wife said she was "very relieved" that at least the problem had been identified. "It was hell," said a somewhat distraught Mrs. Jones between sobs. "It was just.....it was HELL...."Doctors hope for a full recovery.See Over-Sexed and Poorly Trained Page C-1 To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.  Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE