Pre-Written Funny Newspapers (74)

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My  Local businesses visited by tall, handsome patron. Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.  Giraffe Finds Way to Shopping Mall Police, Fire, Animal Control Units Respond  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A young bear found its way into the downtown area early this morning, and was cornered by law enforcement and animal control officials between Wall and Vine streets, on 4th Avenue. "The animal just wandered around looking at things," commented a county animal control executive. Apparently the bear was observed shaking locked doors in the area, and using his considerable weight to try to push the doors inward. "It's highly unusual for a bear to make it all the way into inhabited areas like this," said another animal control employee. "Of course there are bears outside of town, but I can't see this animal making it all the way over here unnoticed. Someone would have called it in. Still," he continued, "this is the Northwest." No zoo in the area reported any missing animals, and animal control personnel suggested that the bear appeared to have been living in the wild, as opposed to having come from a zoo. One woman, unaware of the bear's presence, came out of a shop along 4th Ave. and came almost face to face with the animal. Said Arlene Richardson, "It took a long time for it to register. I thought at first I was seeing things. Then I thought it was someone in a bear costume. Then the police started yelling at me to go back inside, and I realized it was really there. I don't know why I did it. I suppose I panicked. But I just started running."   And the bear followed-at least as far as Vine St., where SPD officers jumped in between Ms. Richardson and her pursuer, and turned the animal back. Shortly after that, police set up a perimeter while animal control distracted the animal long enough for a zoo veterinarian to dart it. The bear did not immediately 'go to sleep' however, and spectators were kept out of the area until it was cleared sometime after 7 a.m.. "We try to never be surprised," said one man from animal control. "But sometimes we are." The bear was loaded into a truck, given a complete physical, and taken to an undisclosed location. "This bear won't have to be put down," said Earl Wenker, an associate at the Zoo. "He maintained his manners and didn't eat anybody, though, perhaps, not for lack of trying. I think he was just curious---and maybe hungry. He'll be introduced back into the wild." Residents and business owners should sleep a little better tonight, knowing that. See "CIRCUS" Page B-5 To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.  Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE  

Genetics, Schemetics  "HONEY, THERE'S SOMETHING I GOTTA TELL YA..." You were broke. It was Christmas Eve. The science department on campus offered you $25. You thought,"What the heck. Who'll ever know?" Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.  Baby's biological father (inset). Baby bears startlingly human features.Genetics Research Advances; Experiments Right or Wrong?It's a boy!  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)The newborn belongs to Vaughn and Julie, a couple of African Gorillas residing at Seattle's Woodland Zoo. The pair has been caged together for fourteen years and this is their second offspring to live."Their first baby, a girl, was natural in every way," says Dr. John Weston, Gorilla specialist at the zoo, and the man in charge of genetics experiments for a chain of Zoos from San Diego to Vancouver, B.C. "But this one.......this one is, uh, different."Casey Jones, a local resident of Kent and an employee for Hanson warehousing, was in college 23 years ago when this all began."I needed the money," Casey shrugged. "They offered me $25 for my sperm. I signed a bunch of waivers. And I forgot about it."But Casey's small contribution wasn't forgotten by science. Four years ago geneticists began experimenting with techniques to clone certain characteristics of humans and gorillas together. That research has resulted in "Frankie", the baby, uh, gorilla/human."He's as healthy as a horse," beamed Dr. John. It's too early to know exactly what we've produced. His facial features obviously appear very human, but who can say what else is human?"Casey Jones has refused to discuss the matter at length, except to say that he has gone into intensive psychiatric therapy to deal with the ramifications of having produced a modern day "ape boy". Mr. Jones appeared dazed and confused during this interview."He needs his rest," offered a family friend. "He just needs lots and lots of rest."See 'Indications of a Growing Alien Threat' Page D-5 To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.  Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

 Your Cousin Needs to Tell His Storyfor the Betterment of Mankind..  Got a friend / cousin / co-worker / brother-in-law who's been bugging you? Bug him back by spreading a few of these babies around. He'll thank you later.Not. Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.  EMTs work to extricate organ from fan bladesLocal Man Hospitalized After Fan Encounter of the Worst Kind"I don't usually do things like this," claims man after trying to cool private parts in electric fanYourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)Emergency response teams were called to the residence of Mr. Casey Jones today after his wife called 911 to report her husband was "stuck in a fan". 911 operators heard yelping in the background and quickly dispatched rescuers.Paramedic John Brown reported that Jones was indeed stuck in a fan. At least part of him was. "Hey," said Jones, "it was hot. I just wanted to cool off. I never expected this to happen."It seems the predicament started about 3 pm, during the hottest part of the day. Jones's wife had stepped out to do some shopping when Jones decided to avail himself of the cooling effects of a large house fan. "I don't know exactly how it happened," admitted Jones. "I think maybe the fan got a hold of some, you know, hair, and everything happened really fast after that. I think I blacked out."Jones was treated at St. Mary's hospital for "significant injuries" requiring 24 stitches to his penis. Jones's wife commented, "He has a lot of explaining to do." Jones was cautioned by his doctor to refrain from sexual arousal of any kind for at least four to six weeks.The fan could not be reached for comment.City Struggles with Increase in Deviate Behavior Page D-3 To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspapers.com instead of using this form. Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

The Eiffel Tower? In Seattle? Really? One of our favs... We know of folks (Seattlites!) being "kept going" for as long as six weeks. Many ask around to their friends, wondering exactly how to get to the new Tower in the downtown area. Their friends, not wanting to look foolish, and not knowing for sure if it's a hoax, often come up with comments like, "Yeah, I heard about that. I think it's over on Sixth Ave." Great for lots and lots of laughs. If you want yourcity in the picture, send us a picture of it, and we'll composite the tower into the background of your choice for an additional charge.  Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.  Skyline takes on 'European Airs' Eiffel Tower Clone Finally Completed in SeattleThe Duwamish Isn't Exactly the Seine River, But...Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)The real tower is located on the southern bank of the Seine River in France and is 300 m (984 ft) high.Seattle's newest skyline icon is a scale model measuring only 401 feet tall. But it's an exact replica in every other way, and it's an impressive addition to a booming tourist industry.The scheme was hatched five years ago when Seattle was scrambling to improve its tourism prospects."The Eiffel Tower was a natural choice because it already had its own aura of popularity, and that meant minimal advertising to maximize its profile here in Seattle," said John Barker, chief architect for the project. "Soon it will be as famous as the Space Needle, and that's good for all of us."The structure, shown here ablaze with lights to celebrate the Grand Opening, will be open to general tourism in 'about two weeks'. The fee to ride to the top, $4, is designed to 'borrow' a few of the Space Needle's patrons who might already be a little miffed at the steep prices required to hitch a ride to the observation deck of the Needle."We don't have a restaurant at the top of the (Eiffel) Tower," said Joline Carter, official spokeswoman for the project. "What we do have is history. The Eiffel Tower is one of the richest historical icons in the world. That gives it an undeniable romance. And now we can experience a little of that culture and mystique right here in our own backyard." More information on Seattle's new baby can be found at www.eiffel-towers-r-us.com.  To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.  Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Mamma Told You They'd Get What Was Coming to Them   Brown Nosers. Who Needs 'Em.Every office has one. Or two. Pick the worst one, then buy 'em a gift. They deserve it. You deserve it.God said it was okay, just this once. Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.   X-Ray Documents Office Worker's Predicament Doctors Vow to Study Bizarre Case"I've Learned My Lesson," Says....."Victim"? Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)A Tacoma, Washington woman, Casey Jones, was hospitalized Thursday afternoon for what doctors are calling "the most bizarre case on record".Casey, 34, is a secretary at Johnson Tile company, where she's been employed for the past three years."Casey was always climbing that corporate ladder," commented one associate who asked not to be identified. "If you ask me, Ms. Jones was just a little too darned eager to please. But that's just my opinion.""She's been like that ever since she came here," admitted John Smith, a ten year veteran of the accounting division. "We tried to ignore it as best we could, but it was pretty blatant."The trouble apparently started Thursday morning when a number of Casey's co-workers noticed she was trying especially hard to Brown Nose the Boss."She brought him coffee, then she ran out and bought a box of donuts out of her own money. That was sickening enough. But Casey just kept on all morning. We figured she'd own this company by noon," lamented another disgruntled worker.At about 1:30 p.m., just after lunch, Ms. Jones went in to see if her boss wanted any desert. She cleaned up his lunch dishes, then brewed a fresh pot of coffee, then apparently brought her superior a warmed wash cloth so he could wipe his face."But she didn't stop there," said Smith. "Next thing we knew, she was actually wiping the man's mouth for him. And when she missed a spot, she wiped it on her dress. It was right after that the accident occurred. We all saw it coming."Edna Wilkins recounts: "The first thing we heard was a big sucking sound. You know, like when that last bit of water goes down the drain in the bathtub. That startled us, you know? Then there was a real sloppy sounding POP, like when a kid sucks on a lollypop too hard. We all knew what that meant."Immediately thereafter Casey's boss let out a horrendous whoop and came skittering across the office floor on his hands and knees, and right out into the employee lounge. And Casey Jones was much too close behind."It took us all a minute to get our wits back," said Edna. "But it was clear the guy needed help, and poor Casey could hardly breath, her head was stuck so far up that man's ass. We called 911 right way."Casey will be okay, according to hospital officials."She was without air for some time," explained her doctor. "But she's been treated for oxygen deprivation, and we expect to release her in the morning. As for her boss, well, he'll be walking funny for awhile, but the only scars he'll bear will be emotional." See Getting Ahead Today Page D-5 To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspapers.com instead of using this form.  Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Wanna Get Rid of the Kids, the Inlaws, Your Spouse......?   Well, you can't get rid of 'em FOREVER--- But you can ditch 'emfor an afternoon with no trouble at all! First, figure out where you want your crop circles to appear---think of an agricultural area outside of town. Tell us the area, and the nameof the road or route that leads there. We'll write it all up. Andyou'll pass them all out. We've known people to go absolutely crazy trying to find the crop circles. They'll stop and ask dozensof farmers if they know where they are. They'll have a nice time in the country, and you'll have a nice time HOME ALONE. Leave a few lying around the office on Friday. Then listen to all the stories on Monday.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.    Aerial photo shows crop circle about 150 yards in diameter  First Crop Circle Found Locally Investigators from England Arrive to Study Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) John Graham got out of bed this morning and ate the breakfast his wife had cooked for him, thinking it was just another day. But John Graham was mistaken, as he quickly realized when he glanced out the kitchen window and noticed what has come to be called a "crop circle" in the middle of his "South Forty". John's wife called her mother, Alice, and Alice called her friends around town, and within hours John Graham's fields were overrun by the curious, the media, self proclaimed investigators and experts, and even more media. "Well, it's a big deal for a little berg like Eatonville," admitted Mr. Graham, who was coping admirably with the hoards of people trampling his fields. "Sure," John admitted, "this is costing me in terms of crop yield---but nothing like this has ever happened around here, and folks just have to see it for themselves." By noon about a thousand people had gathered in the fields 18 miles east of town off of route 28. A police helicopter could be seen making lazy arcs across adjacent properties, and sightseeing Cessna pilots almost created a traffic jam 500 feet above John's field as they clamored and maneuvered for the best aerial photos. Local authorities refused to comment on the phenomenon other than to suggest it was the product of hoaxers. But several scientists who have studied similar circles in the UK and the Netherlands claim the circles in John Graham's south forty exhibit all the bizarre physical properties of circles in Europe which have been pronounced "authentic". And dozens of spectators have described various sensations while standing in parts of the pattern, including a feeling of warmth, and a ringing in the ears "like bells which never stop". Some have claimed they can hear faint singing while in the circles, and still more have described "a feeling of horror and dread" and have refused to re-enter the patterns. See Strange Lights Sighted Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

This One Works Anywhere Playing on the old "Alligators in the Sewer" brand of local legends, few of which were ever true, we just expanded on the notion and gave it some credibility with pictures and print. We thought this one would be easily seen through, worth a chuckle or two and not much more---but it has proved us wrong. Many people, especially those who live in the areas described, have become visibly upset when they read the news, and vow to move immediately. We think it's because almost everyone has, implanted in their brains almost from birth, the seeds of those old stories about crocs in the pipes. They may have never taken the tales seriously, always assuming that they were bunk, or at least that they wereprobably bunk. But when they see this in black and white, in the news (which, of course, can never lie), it smacks home with double force, and they tend to simply believe it out of hand with no questions asked. Try it. You'll be amazed. As always, we'll write it for the area you wish. Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.  Graphic Photo Shows Remains Inside Croc Crocodile Found in Seattle Sewer "We've seen babies (crocs) over the years, but this is a first!" Say Animal Control Officials Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A Seattle man, Casey Jones, got a surprise Saturday afternoon when he and a friend encountered a full grown crocodile in a Seattle sewer system near Alki Beach. The two were beachcombing and exploring a sewage outfall when they made the discovery. "We found a big hole (tunnel) that was covered by brush, and we just went in," said Jones. "We were in maybe a quarter mile and we were just talking about turning around and heading back out because our flashlight was getting kind of dim. Then we heard a scraping sound, and when we turned around, there was this big (expletive) thing. It was like straight out of a science fiction movie. We just ran like hell." Animal control officials responded with Seattle Police for backup. "It took almost no time at all to locate the lizard," said an SPD spokesperson. "And the animal was 'dispatched' without delay." In actuality, the animal was shot seven times with a Remington .338 magnum rifle before it was pronounced dead at the scene. It was then hauled from the pipe and examined by the King County Coroner's office. That's when the grizzly discovery was made. "Yes," responded Jeff Goldwin, assisting the coroner's team. "We did find the remains of a partially digested Caucasian male, in his late twenties or early thirties. I can't comment beyond that at this time." Off the record, authorities indicated the remains may be that of a homeless man who was reported missing by a companion only a few hours before. "It all fits," said an official who asked not to be identified. "The victim was still recognizable; he hadn't been in there long." A search will be conducted to see if there are any more giant crocs in Seattle's sewers. Authorities say they can't even begin to speculate as to where this one could have come from. The grating that normally blocks the entrance to the outfall was repaired. See Bats in the Belfry at the Capitol Page D-5 To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.  Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

FORTEAN Blobs. You've heard of 'em, Right? We feel a little sheepish about posting this one. That's because we like to think of ourselves as creative. In this case, however, we're just retelling a common story---the tale ofFORTEAN BLOBS.This piece works especially well because it's all true. Every word. And if someone accuses you of bullshitting them, just tell 'em to go toany search engine on the web and search for, what else?FORTEAN BLOBS!We've had about eight such drenchings here in Washington. A fewyears ago we uncovered tales of this goo dating back nearlya hundred years. The stuff is real. The consequences are real. We've had it fall here in Seattle. We've touched it. We've washed it off our cars. Let us make it fall on the neighborhood of your choice. Don't you know someone who deserves this? (Note creepy music)  Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.   Car covered with "white slime" Another Dousing of So-Called "FORTEAN Blobs" County subjected to pelting for four hours; analysis shows substance similar to other cases.  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) King County was subjected to a pelting of white, slimy globules that fell from the sky for nearly four hours on Wednesday. Scientists have come to refer to the phenomenon as "FORTEAN Globs", which have been reported for at least a century. Most reports have come from the western United States, however other instances include cases in France, Germany, Italy and the Scandinavian countries. The European cases involved slime which was brown, green or blue in color. None of the latter cases was ever subjected to scientific scrutiny, as were the samples that have been collected since 1994 in Washington State. The Washington State Department of Ecology was the first official agency to properly study the phenomenon in October of 1994, after the Oakville, Washington area suffered a colossal covering on two separate occasions. In that instance, motorists in the region were brought to a halt when the white slime covered their windshields and could not be removed by conventional means. Several Oakville police cars were rendered immobile while officers struggled to clear their windshields. "It was like glue," commented one patrolman. "The more you tried to wipe it, the stickier it got. After awhile we couldn't even peal the windshield wipers away from the glass." The goo is blamed for the deaths of numerous pets in half a dozen counties; the smallest animals seem to be the most susceptible. Humans have become quite ill after touching the globs, though no human fatalities have been reported. Scientists with the Washington State Department of Ecology who studied the Oakville samples say the globs are made up of living animal cells. "Some large, some small, and all except one, unidentifiable". The one cell type that has been identified in the slime is human. Curiously, however, those cells are only the white cells, and none of those cells contained the cell nuclei. "We have no explanation at all for that fact," said Mike Osweiler, with Washington's hazardous materials unit. The blobs that blanketed King County on Wednesday appear to be the very same substance. Citizens are warned not to touch the globules, and to stay indoors when they are falling. See Best Guesses Page D-5 To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.  Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Those Pesky Cake Fires. Birthdays Oughta Be Illegal.   Over 143,000 people are burned alive every year by their birthday cakes. Not really. But we've all been to parties where the flames from the cake were almost out of control due to the indeterminate age of the birthday boy or girl and the masses of candles required to celebrate the suspicious momentous occasion. We just extrapolated a little with this piece. Could happen---you never know Satellite imagery shows smoke over three states --or-- Firefighters struggle to save home "Cake Fire" Claims Local Home "It was like a furnace---like the furnace of Hell!" laments party survivor Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) Local man Casey Jones barely escaped serious injury Thursday afternoon when a fire gutted his home in the University District. Firefighters were amazed by the ferocity of the blaze. Said Jim Blake, spokesman for LRFD, "We've never seen a fire spread so quickly. The ignition point must have been like the heat from a super-nova. We just don't know what kind of accelerant could have caused this much damage in so short a time." On-lookers said Jones was having a get-together with family and friends, and neighbors noticed a "significant glow" through the curtains from inside the house. "It was like someone was making a movie in there," said one spectator. "Then, all of a sudden, all those people came boiling out of that house, and the next thing we knew, the whole place was in flames. It was like a bomb went off in slow motion!" Firefighters interviewed several of the party-goers, though most seemed reluctant to talk about the incident. One man, however, confided to the Times that the home-owner was celebrating his birthday when the problem began. "Casey's cousin, Joann Huntsford, had just brought the cake out into the living room and was lighting the candles," admitted the man, who requested that his name be withheld. "There were more candles, and more candles, and pretty soon that cake was roaring like a gasoline fire. Everybody started moving back. The children were crying, 'No more Mommy! No more!' The heat was really getting fierce. Pretty soon, even the candles that weren't lit just started melting and falling over. The frosting on the cake was beginning to vaporize. Then it got hard to breath in there." Fireman Blake explained that, due to the size of the flames, the oxygen was likely being removed from the room. "It's lucky they got out when they did," he conceded. "That cake was like a giant flame-thrower." Mr. Jones suffered only minor burns when he tried to retrieve one of his birthday presents, but friends and family likely thwarted the grim reaper by admonishing the man to forget the cheesy gifts and save his own skin. "I owe them my life," admitted Casey. "I do." When asked just how many candles were on the cake, the crowd grew quiet and refused to reply.See "Old as the Hills" Page D-5 To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspapers.com instead of using this form.  Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Happy Birthday! The Perfect Birthday Gift.   This piece is written to be pretty generic and "middle of the road". It's easy to modify however, and there are as many options as there are situations. In the example, your husband (or whoever) of course knows that Bush never called him. But his friends don't know that. Not for sure. So the recipient gets mileage out of showing the page around town for years, seeing how many will bite on the story. (Most everyone will, especially if ordered in the 'full page format'.) But let's say your husband hates Bush. Just tell us who you want featured, and we'll insert an appropriate stock photo. Dole? How about Janet Reno? The Prime Minister of India? Russia's Putin? Director of the CIA?  Maybe you have a teenager with a birthday coming up---make it Britney Spears!  Or do you really want to 'get' your victim? Then have us say that you paid Britney Spears to call the birthday boy (or maybe you paid the Beastie Boys to call the birthday girl). But of all the rotten luck, your son/daughter WASN'T HOME WHEN THEY CALLED! (Keep 'em on suicide watch for about a week after this).  There's no end to the twists and convolutions this piece can be adapted for. Just give it about four minutes of thought, then tell us what to do. If you're tired of ho-hum birthday gifts, this will liven things up. The best gifts are the ones that are remembered.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Bush in Oval Office Bush Calls to Wish Local Man Happy Birthday Prez Takes Time to Remember Old Friends Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) President George W. Bush took time out from a busy schedule on Sunday to call up an old friend—–just to say "Happy Birthday". Local resident Casey Jones, who was 49 on Sunday, was glad to hear from his old grade school pal. "I haven’t seen George for many years," said Jones. "But I think of him a lot. We were best buddies in 5th grade. He got me out of some jams—–got me into some too!" The Prez says he’ll always remember Casey Jones as a good an honest friend. "I can’t possibly find the time to call everyone I’ve ever known on their birthdays," says Bush. "But there are some people in your life you just have to make the time for." Jones said he’d like to one day meet with Bush after so many years, ‘just for a cup of coffee and to shoot the breeze’. Bush expressed the same desire, saying, "You just never know what the cat might drag up onto Casey’s porch one of these days." See ’Old Friends; Good Friends’ D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspapers.com instead of using this form.     Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

A (Pizza Company) Promotion--   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Advertising Blimp Crashes; 2nd Blimp Circles  Blimp "Lands" on Monorail "It was a 'precautionary' landing," says Pilot Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) Authorities arrived only seconds after a small advertising blimp "landed" on the Monorail tracks in downtown Seattle yesterday morning. Both tracks of the Monorail were tied up for over two hours while the wreckage, mostly thin, rubberized fabric, was removed. "Of course the power to the tracks had to be shut down," commented SPD officer John Williams. "The fabric that thing's made of is really unwieldy. It was hard to work with, and there's more of it, square-yard speaking, than we imagined." It was quickly ascertained that no one was injured in the crash/landing. There was only one man aboard, the pilot, Mr. Frank Zurflu. "It was a miscalculation," admitted Zurflu, a Vietnam veteran pilot with 3300 hours flying lighter-than-air craft under his belt. "I simply didn't keep the envelope inflated. I lost lift, and couldn't get it back up in time. I saw that I was going down, so I chose a spot that seemed unlikely to hurt anyone." Apparently two blimps were flying in the area as a promotional stunt. The other airship, also a one-man advertising craft, experienced no difficulties, and circled low over the crash site in case it could be of assistance. "I couldn't figure out what he was doing," commented the pilot of the second craft, Bill Hasenkamp. "I was watching him. We were both over by the Space Needle. It looked like his blimp was just getting softer and softer; flaccid, really. A blimp has to stay pretty firm to be controllable. The guy had plenty of time to save it. I just don't know why he didn't. Of course," said Hasenkamp, smiling, "this isn't exactly the first time that company crashed a blimp. You never want to let your blimp go limp," he said, chuckling. Indeed, that seems like good advice. Ownership of the blimp could not be confirmed at press time. Our calls have not been returned. See 'When the Going Gets Tough' Page D-5 To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.   Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE POND... You feel good. You feel strong.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     SCUBA Divers struggle to photograph sea creature Bizarre Sea Creature Caught "It's about time we got some hard evidence!"  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) "Between ourselves, and various law enforcement agencies in the state, we log around 1100 reports of strange or bizarre sea creatures in Washington State each year. Most are reported in salt water, but many claims come from sightings in fresh water, as well," explained Darcia Melbourne, with Washington's Department of Fisheries. "Virtually every single one of those reports can be explained away as...logs, seals, debris, flotsam, garbage, you name it. Never once have we been able to get hard data (the creature itself) for study and corroboration. This (catch) is just spellbinding. It's the most exciting thing I've run across in my career---it's the most exciting find I've ever heard of in the field of marine biology." Numerous scientists and experts seem to mirror Ms. Melbourne's enthusiasm. "The most persuasive aspect of this whole case is that the creature was alive when first submitted to us," said Jon Bolero, with the University of Washington Marine Biology Department. "That rules out any kind of fraud---unless the prankster has the gift of life, and that's doubtful. This is a real creature. And we haven't got a clue what it is." Three SCUBA divers spotted, photographed and then captured the critter while sport diving at Edmond's Underwater Park. "Sure, we were terrified," admitted Casey Jones, one of the trio. "But this....this was something you just can't pass up. This is the catch of a lifetime-of three lifetimes. We just can't believe it!" Scientists speculated openly on the creature's features, namely, the human-looking ears on both sides of its head. "We won't know what we've got until we get in there," commented one expert, (meaning when an autopsy is performed), "And that will be a ways down the road." The creature is being frozen at the U of W, and will be made available to researchers around the world. See Sport Divers, Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Surf Bums Get All the Gurls     Thirty foot curlers in Washington State or New York Harbor? Naw... But if it's in print, it must be true. See how long you can keep 'em going at the local pub. Our guess? Forever.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Local man shows talent Biggest Surf in 40 Years Hits Washington Coast Only the bravest and most intrepid surfers try these waves  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) The biggest surf in over 40 years hit the central Washington coast over the weekend, sending many to watch, few to surf. "This is big, big stuff," said one man who stood on the beach with board in hand---but who never went in the water. "The sets in this part of the world come much closer together," said Casey Jones, one of the few who did surf. "A 30 foot wave here is much more challenging than a 30 footer in the lower latitudes. This is some heart-stopping stuff out here today," he grinned. Casey says he's a "mid-level" surfer, but many who called themselves experts or pros never got their feet wet, saying they "just weren't used to conditions in this part of the world." A prudent stance, perhaps. The Coast Guard station at Westport publicly announced that surfing was "not advised" in current conditions. "We see very few surfers this far north," said Petty Officer John Hanks. "We're not really equipped to deal with emergencies involving swimmers in the surf. The beach has no lifeguards, and by the time we got a rescue 41 (footer) out there, it would almost certainly be too late." Those intrepids like Casey Jones said they accepted the risks. "We're not asking to be rescued," he said. "We're out here on our own, and we'll take our chances. Thanks for the concern though!" The mammoth conditions only lasted about six hours. When the tide changed, the seas calmed, and even the tourists went home. See El Nino Lingers Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

There Has to be Someone You Want to Make Jealous  This has been one of our most popular clippings. People have sent these to their ex's, to their bosses, to their parents, brothers, sisters, that cute person at the office. The legitimate uses for fun are almost unlimited.  But they can also be used for "the Dark Side". Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.  Three lucky Washingtonians (inset) among twenty three to win Lottery.Biggest Jackpot in National PowerBall Lotto!Washingtonian Buys Lotto Ticket on Dare Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)Twenty three people from almost as many states will share a whopping $100 million in one of the Nation's largest lottery payoffs.Split twenty three ways, the winners will receive over four million each. After taxes, the amounts could be as little as 2.5 million bucks, but, as one Washington winner, Casey Jones says, "That still ain't chump change!"Paul Jacoby, a winner from Edmonds, Washington, says he bought his ticket while getting gas on the way to work in downtown Seattle. "Even if I only end up with the two million or whatever, that's still more than I'd make in my lifetime," Mr. Jacoby beamed.Janine Broderick is a successful real estate agent in Bellevue, East of Seattle, and commented that 2.5 mil is roughly equal to her annual earnings for the past few years. "Still," she said, "this is great. This will buy me a new kitchen!"Jones says she plans to sink the bulk of the four mil, before taxes, into various tax deferred investment plans. The remainder, she said, will buy a little bungalow in the South Pacific, and that's where she'll stay. "I'm ready to retire from the human race," Ms. Jones said. "What would I do around here? If it's a choice between loafing in the cold weather, or loafing in a tropical paradise, it's really a no-brainer." Asked if she'd give notice at her job, Jones laughed and turned away.Though none of the Washingtonians attended, twenty of the winners traveled to Chicago for the award ceremony. After the banquet, the group parted with no plans to stay in touch. See AMERICA'S FREE MONEY CRAZE Page D-5 To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspapers.com instead of using this form.  Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

This Makes for Fun Around the Office   Leave it where the secretaries will find it. We know people who've had the entire company going for months. Copies get sent to the corporate office back east, the big-wigs call out to see if you need more security.... Send us a pic of your workplace. We'll drop in the bear. Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.   Local businesses visited by carnivorous patron.Bear Finds Way to FifePolice, Fire, Animal Control Units RespondYourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)A young bear found its way into the Fife industrial area this morning, and was cornered by law enforcement and animal control officials."The animal just wandered around looking at things," commented a county animal control executive. Apparently the bear was observed shaking locked doors in the area, and using his considerable weight to try to push the doors inward."It's highly unusual for a bear to make it all the way into inhabited areas like this," said another animal control employee. "Of course there are bears outside of town, but I can't see this animal making it all the way over here unnoticed. Someone would have called it in."No zoo in the area reported any missing animals, and animal control personnel suggested that the bear appeared to have been living in the wild, as opposed to having come from a zoo.Police set up a perimeter while animal control distracted the animal long enough for a zoo veterinarian to dart it. The bear did not immediately 'go to sleep' however, and spectators were kept out of the area until it was cleared sometime after 7 a.m.."We try to never be surprised," said one man from animal control. "But sometimes we are."The bear was loaded into a truck, given a complete physical, and taken to an undisclosed location."This bear won't have to be put down," said Earl Wanker, an associate at the Zoo. "He maintained his manners and didn't eat anybody. He was just curious---and maybe hungry. He'll be introduced back into the wild."Residents and business owners should sleep a little better tonight, knowing that.See WILD ANIMALS Page D-5 To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.  Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE