Pre-Written Funny Newspapers (74)

What a Rocket... Got an old car or motorcycle buff for a friend?Drive 'em absolutely crazy when they get this in the mail.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.    Restored Nazi War Bike  Local Man Completes Nazi War Bike Restoration   "It's a V-12, 655 HP on the Dyno," says its Owner    Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)   A Lynnwood man has completed a three year restoration on a 1939 Heidenvolkker, an oddball motorcycle built by the Nazis to be the "Ultimate War Bike".   "It was one of Hitler's greatest brainstorms, or biggest follies, depending on who you ask," said Brian Jennings, motorcycle historian for Collens University in Michigan.   The monster features a V-12 aluminum air-cooled block, with all 12 pipes exiting the left side of the machine.   "Believe it or not," said its owner, Adam Laskey, "it's really quite comfortable to sit on and ride. The only problem I've had is with the exhausts burning my pants off. But I can work around that."   Laskey has toured the bike around the area, but has made no long trips on it, and says he doesn't plan to, citing a shortage of parts if it breaks down.   Only about 28 of the motorcycles were built. They were judged unreliable, and not utilitarian, which is what the German army needed in the days before WW II. Mostly the bikes were procured by officers and Gestapo echelon, who rode them around the compounds and barracks until, one by one, they broke down and were abandon. Laskey's relic is believed to be one of three remaining in the world.   "It's value is hard to calculate," said Laskey. "But it would be well over $750,000."   Laskey says he has no plans to sell.   See The Strangest Things on eBay, Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

"The Sky is Falling! The Sky is Falling!" cried Chicken Little   This one scares us. Here's the scoop. You'll be amazed at how many people go for this. Listen to this: We dropped off three copies for a client who worked at "a national chain restaurant". She passed them around, and left one on the bulletin board. Three days later, one of the corporate execs called her to ask if she knew where they could get some of those new clocks. "New clocks?" she asked, not making the connection. "Yeah, you know, those new clocks that work on the new 26 hour days. You know. That moon thing." Rising to the occasion, she kept her voice level, and replied, simply, that she didn't know where they could get any. Then she hung up and rolled on the floor. We don't know if the exec ever figured it out. As someone famous said, "You get lots of knowledge from going to college. But nary a lick of sense."     Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.   Scientists Closely Monitor Situation  Recent Astronomical Alignments Alter Moon's Orbit Scientists Call Situation "Serious", but Not Time to Panic  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) NASA astronomers disclosed today that, according to calculations from scientists around the world, Earth's moon may be tracking in an altered orbit. John Simpson, Chief of Astronomy for NASA's interest at Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, Arizona, reported that scientists in some circles have become "concerned". "We're able to calculate trajectories (orbits) for celestial bodies going back many thousands of years. That's never been at issue," he said. "And we can extrapolate orbits, movements and alignments for celestial bodies far into the future. That's not a problem, either. Based on those simple calculations, we've always known that in terms of any foreseeable future, none of the heavenly bodies that could affect our lives on Earth, would change their courses. We've always been comfortable with that. But what we haven't taken into consideration, however, was the possibility that repeated alignments of certain bodies could have a cumulative effect on other, otherwise stable bodies. In other words, let's say that once every million years, a number of large bodies have a tendency to line up in a certain way. That alignment exerts abnormal gravitational pulls on other bodies, which tends to shift their orbits very, very slightly. The changes are so slight that they've never been a concern to us. What we're realizing now, however," Mr. Simpson continued, "is that, in the past thousand years, our solar system has endured about a dozen of those abnormal astronomical alignments. That means that those very small orbit-changing forces have, cumulatively, become fairly large and significant forces. The immediate result has been that our (Earth's) moon has sustained a 'significantly altered orbit'." The long and the short of it is that (a) scientists don't know exactly how far out of whack the moon has been pushed, and won't know to any degree of accuracy for one to two months. And, (b), even if the moon's course change has been large, few scientists can agree on exactly what that means for Earth. "This is the biggest point of contention among scientists in anyone's memory," Simpson said. According to a poling of astronomers, predictions, ranging from best case to worst case scenarios, run something like this: Best case: The Earth's rotation will be slowed over the next eleven years, meaning that a 24 hour day will become 24 hours and 23 minutes. Worst case: Within four years, the Earth's rotation will be slowed so that a 24 hour day will be more like 26.3 hours. Nights will become very long, but so will days. Nights will be colder, days will be warmer. In either case, violent weather will be likely, and no estimates of crop and ecological upheaval are even available as yet.  See Ocean Currents Running Rampant Page D-5    To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Golden Girls Prostitution Ring Okay, okay. We didn't write this. Well, maybe we did, but....our hearts weren't in it.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.      Local man says he's not ashamed Prostitution Sting Nets 8 Local Man Tells Police, "Stop Harassing These Girls!"  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A Hoodsport man was among eight others rounded up Saturday night in another of the city's long history of 'tough love" on prostitutes in the Ponder's Corner area. Casey Jones, owner of a Hood Canal SCUBA shop, was arrested on "suspicion of procuring the services of a prostitute". He was released on his own recognizance. "First," says Casey, "you have to realize that these girls are just out here trying to make a living. They aren't doing anything wrong. They're just sweet gals who are lonely and broke. I help 'em in both departments." Vice Detective Barry Holden says the 'girls' are getting older as the years go by. "We're not seeing a lot of young women break into the profession. That leaves more room for the, uh, 'more experienced' ladies to ply their trade." A police spokesman who asked not to be identified said candidly that the city may want to re-think its current crack-down on the red light district in Tacoma. "These gals are just too (expletive) old to be arrested!" he fumed. "Hell, we had three of them collapse with coronary events because we startled them when we knocked on the doors to their motel rooms. Four more fainted on the way to jail because they had skipped their blood pressure medicine. We couldn't get the cuffs on one old broad because her hands were shaking so badly with Parkinson's. And six more couldn't be identified because of their various states of Alzheimer's---- they couldn't remember their own names! Arresting these gals is a huge liability to the city. We just can't afford it!" Asked to explain the attraction to "older" hookers, Casey Jones shrugged and said, "Hey! They're the sweetest ones! They don't cause any trouble. They're easy to please, and half the time they pay me!" The Mayor's office has declined to return our calls. See 'Aged Like Fine Wine', or 'Just Old and Smelly?' Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Got a Pilot Friend? This Bud's for You. No pilot would order this piece for themselves. You have to do it for 'em. Then pin it on the bulletin board at the local flight center. In this particular case, "results".....are GUARANTEED !! (Just be careful what you wish for!)   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Light Planes Hangs in Wires Private Plane Crashes Near Industrial Area Pilot Feels Lucky to be Alive Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) Pilot Casey Jones says he feels lucky to be alive after an incident which left 30,000 without power for twelve hours yesterday. "I was flying with my wife at about 4000 feet over the edge of town. We were sort of, you know, making out," Jones admitted a little sheepishly. "We've done it before. It was no big deal. But, well, I don't know---something just went wrong. Next thing I knew, the plane had stalled. I tried to recover, but a part of my wife's clothing got hooked on the yoke, and I couldn't push it forward." That kept the plane in a stall for about 3700 feet. With only 300 feet to spare, Mr. Jones was able to start recovering from the stall, but he still couldn't miss the wires. "Sure it was scary," said the pilot. "We figured we'd bought the farm. If it hadn't been for the wires, we probably would have hit one of the buildings." The FAA is investigating, and will decide later whether or not to cite the private pilot. "We see quite a few of these," said John Kenny, FAA inspector. "I investigate maybe 20 cases a year." The plane was extracted from the power lines by crane later in the day. There were no reported injuries.   See 'Mile-High Club' Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Over-Exposed AGAIN! More Nakedness. What can we say. We only give the public what they want.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.    Local man arrested in string of public exposure complaints.  Break in Flasher Case   Suspect Identified in Seven Cases   Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)   A local man was arrested this morning in connection with a rash of public indecency complaints that ranged from Seattle to Tacoma over the past month.   Casey Jones was arraigned and released on $25,000 bond hours after he was apprehended in the Queen Ann district of Seattle.   Three women and four men identified Jones in a total of seven cases where the defendant allegedly approached groups of two or three people in broad daylight, and exposed his genitals.   He kept saying, "Poly want a cracker," said one witness who asked not to be identified. "He just kept saying that while he shook his penis in the air. Several people saw it. Then he ran away giggling."   A Kent man told police that the suspect walked up to him as he left a local restaurant with his wife, and opened his pants, singing, "I gotta be me", and making his penis move with the lyrics.   The district attorney's office claims this particular crime is on the rise in western Washington.   "We've seen this crime almost double over the past two years," said Earl Johnston, assistant city attorney. "Maybe it's an MTV thing---too many whackos watching Tom Green or something."   Psychiatric therapy to curb this behavior has not proven overly effective in the past, says Dr. Thomas Baldwin, a professor of psychiatry at Western Washington University. "This type of deviate simply enjoys this activity too much, and they're not put off by relatively light sentences."   One victim's husband told reporters candidly that he planned some retribution against Jones. "If I had been there," the husband continued, "I'd have shot (it) right out of his pants. These people need to be locked away. Enough is enough."   Casey Jones's attorney did not return our calls.    See DEVIATES Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Osama / Usama bin Laden. The Cowardly Puke. We ran a survey for awhile. It asked which instrument the reader would use if they stumbled across bin Laden some dark and stormy night---baseball bat, num-chucks, stick with a nail poking through it, bare fists, etc. etc.. Every single person, bar none, chose the "stick with a nail poking through it". No words can describe the evil and illogic and cowardice embodied in the man. All we can do is dream..... Maybe Allah will one day smile upon our camels and we'll find the son of a bitch cowering in a sewer somewhere. Then, well.....let the games begin.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Remote outhouse where Osama bin Laden was discovered Osama bin Laden Captured! Local man arrested for unlawful imprisonment---charges dropped Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) In a bizarre discovery Tues day afternoon, local man Casey Jones, was arrested on charges of unlawful imprisonment, torture, and indecent exposure. His victim? None other than famed terrorist, Osama bin Laden. The wild tale began when a local mom overheard her 3rd grade son and his friends talking about "the man stuck in the toilet out in the field". Intrigued, she coaxed the boys to tell her more. It turns out the mystery man wasn't really "stuck", and he wasn't really in a toilet. He had been securely chained in an outhouse several miles out of town, with only his head protruding up through the seat. "Local kids had been visiting the man for about five weeks," admits deputy Jordan Riles. "They discovered the scene while out playing, and they were invited to return as often as they liked, by Mr. Jones." It seems Jones had stopped to assist a stalled vehicle on County Route 4 last month. "The vehicle was full of men of middle eastern descent, and Jones recognized one of them as Mr. bin Laden." said Riles. "One thing led to another, and bin Laden was finally caught and secured by Jones, after the bodyguards ran off. They're still at large," he added. Jones had kept bin Laden in the outhouse for weeks, returning often with friends and family to urinate on him. Even the third graders took their turns. Jones kept his captive alive, barely, and apparently had no plans to let him go or to cash in on the reward-at least not for awhile. Casey was arrested after the childrens' mother called police, but was later released with all charges dropped. "We figure he [Jones] has been traumatized enough," said Deputy Riles. "We're not going to punish him all over again." Bin Laden was removed to an undisclosed location, his condition reported as critical. "A lot of folks around here have been womping on him for a long time," conceded Riles, shaking his head. "He had about three hooves in the grave when we found him, but we figure he'll pull through." The state department had refused to comment as of press time.    See "Shat Upon for Weeks- Is it Really Torture Enough?" Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Hey! It's YOUR Bureaucracy at Work. Love it or Leave it.  Bureaucracy? Bureaucracy! Don't Even Get Us Started.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     First man cited for not obeying new traffic signal New Traffic Lights Arrive Ahead of Schedule City Council in Uproar Due to Cost Overruns  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) Seattle is the first city to receive and implement the newest state-of-the-art traffic signals. Eleven more are scheduled to be in place by the end of summer. The decision to purchase the units, costing roughly $213,000 each, has met with some criticism. "But overall," says City Councilman Bob Brown, "it's a positive step." The lights, manufactured by a Polish firm, are touted as being the best of the best. "These lights will save lives in intersections," argues Phil Blander, a member of the team hired by the City of Seattle to study the plausibility of the new controls. "Each lane of traffic will see three separate banks of lights. Each light in each bank is synchronized to show the same colors at the appropriate times, except for the turn-lanes, which will see two yellows always, then the pertinent red or green depending on conditions. It's a masterpiece of technology, really." But opponents cite numerous fatalities in test cities overseas, in which motorists were so confused by the ungainly array of changing lights, that they made inappropriate decisions and caused accidents. There have also been cases in which the lights malfunctioned, and displayed the wrong colors at the wrong times, causing more wrecks. "We deeply regret those instances," says City Councilman Earl Jones. "But when you want progress, when you want to make an omelet, you're going to have to break some eggs. This (new system) will be worth it in the long run." Drivers are already furious about the new contraptions. Casey Jones was the first to be ticketed for not obeying the light on 5th Ave. "I had no idea what to do!" fumed Jones. "I couldn't tell which light was mine. I couldn't tell if I was supposed to stop or go! And then they give me a $77 citation for running a red light! I don't think that cop could tell which light I was supposed to obey either! This is ridiculous!" Seattle authorities remain stalwart in their decision to implement the new signals. "We know what we're doing," commented one city council-woman. "The public just has to trust us." See 'City De-Criminalizes "Jay" Walking' Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Want Relief? Get Vaccinated Against WIMMEN (or men)      We can be vaccinated against DISEASES, right?Ever look at that word: Disease? DIS--EASE.Wimmen cause us to be DIS-EASED. (Some claim we cause the same reaction in them). Well, who cares---now there's help. Be the first on your block to get the MARRIAGE VACCINE.    --Easily rewritten for either gender, a thoughtful gift for someone in your life suffering a painful breakup. Or to explain to your soon-to-be-ex exactly WHY you've lost that lovin' feeling. Just say, "Honey? Ah bin kerred o' you."     Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.    Opposite sex got you down? Get a shot!  Medical Breakthrough New Serum Dubbed "the Marriage Vaccine"  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A Pensacola man, 39 year old Casey Jones, is the first American to receive a new vaccine developed by Whittier Labs, a Minnesota research facility. Dubbed "the Marriage Vaccine", Whittier Labs is quick to point out that the breakthrough, whose chemical trade name is "nyetsx4moi", is not really a vaccine at all, but rather a chemical which, when injected intramuscularly, inhibits a person's interest in the opposite sex. "What nyetsx4moi actually does," says company spokesperson Deborah Viccors, "is totally negate the body's automatic responses to the opposite sex. Men can take it, and so can women. In effect, it makes the opposite sex virtually invisible to the user. What I mean is, the user of this drug will view persons of the opposite sex as though they were persons of the same sex---there will be no sexual or romantic interest at all." The Catholic church was quick to speak out against the drug, claiming it is "totally contrary to the will of God and the laws of nature." Medical scientists, on the other hand, tout the new drug as a "choice provider". Says Viccors: "Never again will the human race languish at the mercy of its basic, and often counter-productive and unwelcome, biological sex drives. Those who desire to be in a romantic relationship can simply elect not to take the drug. Those who have suffered from bad relationships, or who simply feel they have more important things to pursue in life, can take the drug and enjoy no distractions from the opposite gender. They can get things done. They can leave many social problems behind them. The point is that the opposite sex will have absolutely no power over users of nyetsx4moi. And won't that be refreshing!" Whittier's first human guinea pig, Casey Jones, says it's "the most liberating experience of my life. I wish I could have gotten on this twenty years ago!" The drug must be administered bi-annually at a cost of about $16 per dose. It is available only by prescription; doctors report the number of requests "beyond ridiculous".   See Happily Unmarried Page E-4   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Smart Bombs Hit Backyard in Denver We have no comment on this piece. Ahem.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Suburbia Wakes Up to Surprise  New "Smart Bombs" Maybe Not So Smart No Injuries in Latest Malfunctioning Smart Bomb Attack    Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)   Residents of the relatively sleepy neighborhood of Sunset Acres, a subdivision of Denver, woke up this morning to an unsettling surprise: It seems that overnight they'd been "bombed".   "We didn't hear a thing!" Exclaimed Mary Johnson, who lives two doors down from the yard where the bomb impacted. "The kids came in this morning yelling about a bomb, and I thought they were talking about a cartoon. I told them to go outside and play."   The Air Force admits its chagrined. Admitted Colonel James Boydon, "This was a GPS guided bomb that was dropped last night over Iraq. It was destined to take out one of the presidential palaces in Bagdad. Unfortunately, while our ordinance is the best in the world, mistakes can, as we all know, uh....happen. Somebody probably typed in the wrong coordinates. That's all."   The "smart" bomb landed only a continent away---but close only counts in horseshoes.   Colonel Boydon conceded that they lost track of the bomb just after its release over Bagdad, and it was something of a guessing game to figure out where it went. "Apparently it just went on walk-about." Boydon said. "There was a pool going on where it would hit, of course." The Colonel winked.   Casey Jones, the homeowner whose back yard the bomb landed in, says he'd like to have it defused and keep it as a souvenir. But Air Force officials quickly nixed that idea.   "This is a highly sophisticated, top-secret, precision military device," warned a military spokesperson. "We'll recover the bomb, refurbish it, and try again. Maybe this time we'll get lucky."   Jones said he wasn't angry about the mistake. "Hey," he said. "I watch CNN. ---- happens. The Air Force promised to pay for the dog house, and we never liked Old Yeller all that much anyhow."   The Air Force said the mishap was rare, and probably wouldn't happen again.   See: Precision Bombs---America's New Defense, Page C-5     To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Mystery Rods. For You and for Me. Get mileage out of this for years, seeing how many will bite on the story. (Most everyone will, especially if ordered in the 'full page format'.) Perfect for sleep-overs, camping trips, ghost stories, April Fools. The danged things are almost certainly from outer space. They're probably here to wipe out humanity (just waiting for sufficient reinforcements). We know of none that have ever been caught, and no dead ones have ever been found---two facts which make us more nervous than the fact that they exist in the first place. Just tell us your city, town, neighborhood---whatever. Rearrange the story any way you like. Then go to town. Literally. Your kids, your neighbors and their kids will spend the next five weeks running around like lunatics, trying to film or catch one. And you'll be supremely entertained. Where else can you get a show like that for a handful of pocket change?   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Hazmat and CDC Teams Respond  So-Called "Mystery Rod" Finally Captured Gov't Agencies Won't Assure Public Phenomenon Poses No Threat Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) State and Federal agencies from around the country descended on the little berg of Federal Way Thursday, in response to claims that a so-called "Mystery Rod" had finally been collected and was being contained in an old refrigerator in the garage of a retired Lutheran minister, Don Moore. Said Moore, "I've never heard of the phenomenon before." He just happened to find the creature stuck in his badminton net, and called a friend at a local school, who called the police, who called the Center for Disease Control---and before the community knew what hit it, government teams were scouring the area and evacuating neighborhoods. Mysterious "Rods" first entered the collective American consciousness about 1984, when consumers using newer and more sophisticated video equipment noticed extremely fast-moving streaks across their screens when they played back everyday footage.." Since then discussions of the phenomenon have abounded on the Internet. "There's no question about the existence [of the flying rods]," admitted John Browne, public liaison for the CDC. "We've been aware of them for some time. Lots of agencies have tried to capture one, but they move at speeds of up to 900 mph, and seldom slower than 700 mph, or about the speed of a slow-moving bullet. They're never visible to the naked eye, so no one knew anything about them until the proliferation of relatively high-speed camcorders." The presence of Hazmat workers made locals nervous, and more controversial still was the evacuation of certain areas by the CDC. Local man Andy Mahon summed it up, "If these things are harmless, like some kind of supersonic butterfly, then why is the government using full bio-hazard suits to handle the dead ones, and why are people being forced to leave their homes?" Authorities offered no answers. The rods seem definitely to be organic. They are living creatures, says the CDC, and presumably they've been with us for millennia, but not a single specimen has been captured until now. The rods run from 4 inches to about 20 inches in length. Reports that the creatures have accidentally or intentionally penetrated human bodies resulting in fatalities are un-confirmed. Some discussions suggest the creatures have been seen and photographed by astronauts in space. See FORTEAN BLOBS Page B-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

So. You saw a bright light. Two Hours are missing. And the X-ray shows..... Well, you know the story. Send this to those pesky cousins in Alberta. Tell 'em you have "powers".    Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.   Foreign object embedded in spinal column  Mystery Object Removed in Two Hour Procedure Doctors Baffled; "We Have No Idea What this is." Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A Boise man says he suffered from back pain for years. Sometimes he had trouble walking. Sometimes he missed days at work. And once in awhile, he couldn't even get out of bed. "The doctors said this, then they said that," complained Casey Jones. "They tried muscle relaxers, heat therapy, they made me exercise and stretch. Nothing worked. I figured I was just one of those people who had chronic back pain and would always have it." But one day Jones's luck changed. After appealing to nearly a dozen doctors over the years, Jones ended up the victim of a hit and run fender bender. He had a stiff neck, and went to the doctor for X-rays. Those X-rays revealed something more serious than a pulled muscle. The two ounce "device" was removed from Jones's spinal cord without incident. Doctors said, "We have no clue what this object is. We don't dare even speculate." See The Aliens Among Us Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

This One's a "Get Out of Jail Free" Card. Cheap at Twice the Price. For the longest time we didn't know what the appeal of this piece was. It's been a consistently strong seller. A meteor falls out of the sky and smashes your house. Yada Yada. Yawn. No big deal. A few customers sent this to their kids or friends on the other coast and got a laugh, but still.... It wasn't until we received a glowing email from one client that we "got it". One woman took this to work, and her boss felt so badly for her that he gave her a week off with pay to sort out her affairs. We applaud his gullability. No, we don't know if she ever told him the truth. Is this how con-artists get started?   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Meteor Roars Through Sky, Impacts on Rainier Beach Residence Meteor Demolishes Local Home "Hopefully Not Precursor to Bigger Event," Say Scientists Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) At 11:05 A.M. Pacific time, Monday, a meteor of unknown size rocketed through the skies of the western United States. But where would it land? "We didn't even see it coming," said Paul Zurflu, a spokesman for the Lowell Observatory outside of Flagstaff, Arizona. "Generally, when there's a 'significant event' in the offing, even if we don't see it, someone will call it to our attention to it so we can take a look. But there was no warning whatsoever in this case, and that's a little frightening." Hundreds of drivers and pedestrians stopped and watched in awe---and some in terror-as the ghastly sight plummeted through the atmosphere. "It was just like the movie," said one couple. "You think it won't really ever happen, but this is proof that it not only can, it will." Alex Martinez, whose house was utterly flattened by the disaster, said he was unable to fully express how he felt. "I'm glad we weren't home, for one thing," said Martinez. "But once you get over the relief of that, you start to think about your house, your pets, all your belongings, all the things insurance can never replace. Then the really scary part hits you: Will insurance even cover this? I don't remember checking the box on the policy for 'meteor protection'. It could be that we're really wiped out, and we just don't know it yet." Scientists say that meteors often come in "groups", or "meteor showers". "There's no way to predict what could happen in the next few days to a week," said Paul Zurflu. "We've got people looking---I think it's safe to say there are thousands of people looking after this event. But right now there's no way to know anything for sure. This could be a one-time, isolated event, or it could be the remains of a larger rock, and dozens of more fragments, larger or smaller, could come in at any time. This epitomizes the need for a great deal more funding in this area. This was a complete surprise, and it shouldn't have been." See New Data from Mars Probe Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

KNOW SOMEONE WITH THEIR HEAD UP THEIR ASS?   Know a guy who has his head firmly stuck up his ass? Of course you do. We all know a few. Send 'em the gift that keeps on giving.    Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.    Medical Science Insists Feat is Impossible, but "Seeing is Believing"  Man to Register Talent with Guinness "I've wanted to be able to put my head up my ass all my life!"  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A local man, Casey Jones, says he has perfected a talent, the pursuit of which has consumed him all his life. Mr. Jones plans to market his odd skill to various entertainment fields, and will be formally registered with "Guinness Corporation" next month. "The title of the record Mr. Jones will attempt to set has not yet been decided upon. The feat itself is self explanatory," said Guinness spokesperson, Emily Carter. Mr. Jones has undergone seventeen surgeries over ten years in order to adapt his body to be able to accomplish the stunt. He claims the procedures were expensive and painful, "but it was more than worth it. This is the fulfillment of a dream," insisted Casey. Doctors have almost unanimously denounced the practice, "the dangers of which should be self evident," warned Clifton Essent, M.D. "I can't imagine the man can ever have an normal bowel movement again. And let's examine the sanitary ramifications." Jones counters by saying, "My bowel movements are none of anyone's business. For the record, though, I haven't suffered from constipation for years." When asked about sanitary concerns, Casey shrugged and replied, "Hey! I don't open my mouth in there! And I never try to look around." Jones will appear on David Letterman next week. It's unclear if he'll be allowed to "perform". See 'Assholes, an American Tradition' Page D-3    To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspapers.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Skirting the Edges of Good Taste.   We didn't want to include this article. We lobbied against it. We whined, cajoled,complained---but in the end, poor taste won out.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.    Guinness Defends Choice in Records. Man Sues Over World Record Kent Man Claims Damages Against Guinness Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A local man has filed suit against Guinness Corporation, the company that markets the "Guinness Book of World Records". The Washingtonian, Casey Jones, claims in court documents that Guinness Corporation has refused to honor his claim to the largest "appendage" (penis) in the world. The suit asks for unspecified damages, alleging that the claimant (Jones) has suffered monetary damages in that his fame for holding the world record has not been properly and duly advertised due to Guinness's decision not to record or publish the record. Mr. Jones claims that if Guinness were to publish the record, he would be recognized officially as the record-holder, and could thereby enjoy the profits that such fame would inevitably bring him. Guinness calls the reasoning ludicrous. Mr. Jones's attorney states that the claim has been documented by numerous agencies, and that the size of his client's penis is not in question. That being the case, the attorney argues, Guinness has a moral, legal and honor-bound duty to report the record, as it has reported thousands of other records over the years, many of which were, the attorney suggests, "much more obscure than the size of the largest penis in the world. That's something that everyone wants to know about." Casey Jones says he'll gladly drop the suit if Guinness will simply give him the credit he deserves----in print. Hustler Magazine claims to have documented the record, as has the Multi-National-104, a self professed union and activist group for the pornography industry in the United States and France. Both agencies agree on two measurements: one for a length of 17.3 inches fully erect, and a circumference of 9.2 inches in the same state. Representatives from Guinness Corporation refused to examine the appendage, but suggested that "if those measurements are correct, then the thing can't possibly be genuine, and therefore would not qualify for a record in our book anyway." See 'Does Size Really Matter?' Page F-3   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspapers.com instead of using this form.   Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Goat Molester. The Horror. The horror. This is probably our hottest sicko piece in the risqué section..Perfect for circulation in the office on your last day.Got a company snapshot of your boss? Your Brother? Sister?Mother-in-law?    Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.    Local man shown with favorite goat he named  'BOSCO' Man Arrested on Charge of Goat Molestation Local Man Faces Possible Prison Term Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A Kent man, Casey Jones, was arrested today on multiple charges of goat molestation. The City Attorney's office says this is the first charge of its kind in Kent's history. "We will prosecute this to the fullest extent of the law," said Assistant Prosecutor Elaine Fullmore. "We need to send a signal to our young people that goat molestation has not ever been, and will never be, tolerated in this district." But Casey's co-workers defended their friend during an exclusive and emotional interview: "C'Mon! He's just that kind of guy! Cut him some slack! Goats, pigs, small farm animals of every kind--- Casey has always been an animal lover, and this is just his way of expressing that love." Mr. Jones was finally located at the Acme Warehouse, where he works as a loader. He defended his actions and called the Assistant City Attorney "a big fat whiner". Jones said he has no plans to stop molesting goats, and resents that anyone would suggest that he stop. "Hey," Casey said, "If the goats like it, and I like it, where's the crime? There's no victim here!" In response, Elaine Fullmore was quoted as saying, "I'm gonna git that sucker." An unidentified woman commented to press officials, "Hey! What can I say? Without them goats in the backyard, I wouldn't stand a chance. I mean, that man's after me day and night. I don't NEVER git no rest-leastways, not until Casey got them goats. Now, life's pretty good." A trial date has not been set. See GOAT RUCKERS Page A-9   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE