Pre-Written Funny Newspapers (74)

Murder and Mayhem  We were asked if there was a way to help an angry woman vent her marital frustrations.  We're told this lady's man behaved like a little gentleman after he found this on the coffee table.     Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.    Body Parts Found in Suspect's car Local Woman Sought in Grisly Homicide   Suspect Believed Still in Area   Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)   On a routine traffic stop Thursday night, police discovered the remains of what appears to be a Caucasian male. A female, Casey Jones, is being sought by police in connection with the grisly crime.   "I performed a routine stop about 7 p.m.," says patrolman Amos Blackfield. "I wasn't expecting anything unusual. When the suspect's car had almost come to a stop, a woman bailed from the driver's seat and disappeared into thick brush off of Maple Road. I called for backup and then went on foot pursuit, but she had slipped away in the twilight."   The officer returned to the suspect's car and was shocked to find a number of body parts in plastic bags on the passenger side floor.   "We discovered two feet, two eyes, one hand, and some miscellaneous organs, you know, a lung, a liver, and whatnot," stated Detective Jorgenson. "I really can't comment beyond that. We don't know where the rest of this person is. We need the suspect to tell us that. We're hoping this girl will just come in and talk to us."   The partial body is presumed to be that of the suspect's husband, who did not show up for work Tuesday and was reported missing by his family.   Ms. Jones's co-workers expressed only mild surprise at the incident.   "We knew she was capable of something like that," stated Dave Brown, a truck driver employed by Casey's company, Dart International. "We've all had some pretty scary encounters with her. She's always made me uneasy. She used to keep little dolls in her desk drawer. Dolls with no heads. She was unbalanced. We all knew it."   Another employee, who asked to be called "Timmy", suggested that Casey's husband might have deserved such a gruesome end. "It's pretty clear to us that Casey had something going with her boss, and together they off'ed the husband. He wasn't much. That's what we all think, anyhow."   A $2000 reward has been offered for Casey Jones, by the family of her husband.   "We'll git thet bitch," commented a distraught family member. "She can run, but she can't hide."   Anyone having information as to the whereabouts of Casey Jones should contact Kent Police immediately.   "We believe Ms. Jones is armed with a rather large knife. And it's obvious she's extremely callous and dangerous," a police spokesperson said. "Don't try to apprehend this woman yourself."   See "Women: Violent Killers" Page D-5    To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Make Yer Sister Cry Know those girls who're just a little too stuck-up? Want to send 'em a message? This'll do the trick and not hurt their feelings. (Good for onery big sisters, too) (remember to order enough for all   her classmates)   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Local Woman Cured of Congenital Malformations "She Looks Almost Completely Normal!" Early Childhood Photo Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A Kent woman has undergone some of the most intensive and invasive plastic surgery ever performed on a human being. Casey Jones has endured 23 operations in four years to redefine her appearance in its entirety. "Ms. Jones suffers from a condition known as 'reptilica estradus magnaminous'," said doctor Thomas Elgin, a plastic surgeon of wide repute. "Casey's condition was as severe as any we've seen. Her skin was completely covered in reptilian scales. She had a tail. And you can see for yourself how hideous was her snout. I'll tell you frankly, I was afraid of her. And several of my OR assistants refused to come in the room until Ms. Jones was very securely restrained on the operating table. Oh, sure, there were a lot of jokes, like 'This ain't no veterinary hospital'; you know, crude things like that. But I believe in treating anyone (and anything) that needs my help. I took an oath, after all." Ms. Jones had been prevented from attending public school because she frightened the other children. And sometimes she bit them. She couldn't talk because her throat was anatomically that of a crocodile. And she never seemed completely comfortable unless she was in the water, the more brackish the better. "Casey has a whole new life ahead of her," said her doctor. "Yes, we do have some concerns about, well, about the possibilities of producing offspring. We're looking into that. But even if she produced a litter of chomping little crocs, imagine the research opportunities!" the doctor chuckled. Ms. Jones's medical expenses, which totaled over 3.4 million dollars, have been waived by the hospital on the condition that she allow medical science to study her for the rest of her life. Casey says she's happy to come forward and tell her story, if it will help others. "We need to know where creatures like this come from," said a hospital spokesman. "She's a marvelous specimen, and she can teach us a lot. We can't wait to get our hands on her."   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

One of Our Mother's Day Offerings     This is one of our Mother's Day offerings. Let's see....Mother's Day is in November, right? Ah....plenty of time...   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Trophy Awarded to Local Woman  Local Mother Wins 'Mother of the Year' Judges Voted Unanimously---First Time in 94 Year Contest History    Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)   A three-man, two-woman panel voted unanimously today to award Washington State's 94th "Mother of the Year" to Mrs. Casey Jones. She was chosen from a roster of over four hundred ladies, with twenty three making it as far as the finals. This is the first time in the contest's history that the vote was unanimous. "Mrs. Jones is the obvious choice in every sense of the word," commented 57 year old judge Thomas Brighton. "As the contest progressed, we were all left fairly speechless. Casey's charm was captivating, her intelligence was like a sunbeam, her beauty was utterly unsurpassed. No other contestant came close in my estimation." Mrs. Jones has refused several magazine offers, saying she feels the award is a solemn honor, which she doesn't want to commercialize. Casey's daughter, Julia Childs, says she's "thrilled beyond words" for her mother. "We've had good times and stressful times---mostly good times," said Childs. "But Mom's most striking beauty was always manifest in one special way: She stuck by me no matter what, no matter why, no matter when, no matter how. That is the truest expression of a character that's as pure as gold." Darlene Johnson, one of the two female judges on the panel, said simply, "Casey is a Princess. Her mind is straight and her heart is true. We love her."   See Clinton's Harem Page D-5     To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.     Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

You Got a Beer Bottle Stuck WHERE?   Your friend got a beer bottle stuck in his butt? Hey! It happens!    Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.    X-Ray shows predicament Local Man Suffers More Embarrassment than Injury "I don't usually do things like this," says patient.  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A local man, Casey Jones, was admitted to Harborview Hospital in Seattle over the weekend complaining of "rectal pain". "He came in with a blanket draped around him and walking 'real funny'," said a hospital nurse who asked not to be identified. "We didn't know what we were dealing with until--- until we got the blanket off of him. He didn't want to give it up, either," the nurse laughed. Jones said he was at a party "just horsing around with friends, you know." One thing led to another, and before Jones realized it, he had a problem. "We tried everything," said Jones. "It just wouldn't come out. At one point some of the guys got kind of rough. They were afraid they might have to call 911, and no one wanted to do that. So they started trying all sorts of stuff to get it out. That's when the top of the bottle broke off. That part really sucked." "We put duct tape over the broken end of the bottle," Jones continued. "But still, no one could get it out. They all pulled and pulled. They seemed like good guys at the time. They worked on it for, oh, a couple of hours. Finally there was nothing left but to come on in [to the ER]." Jones's friends put him in the back seat of a car, face down, and drove him to the hospital. They helped him out of the car at the ER entrance, and got the blanket around him. "They helped me figure out how to walk. They pointed me at the doors. Then they ran like hell. They're all a bunch of bastards." The wine bottle was successfully extracted from the patient around 3:00 a.m. He received an undisclosed number of sutures in an undisclosed location, and was sent home in a taxi. Said one nurse, "We offered to bag up the bottle for him in case he wanted it as a souvenir, but he said that was in 'the poorest possible taste', and he stomped out. Imagine that." Seattle PD says it has no evidence that any crime was committed, so it will not become involved in the incident. See 'Just Old and Smelly...' Page A-11   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspapers.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Great White Hunter Kills Deer with Bare Hands      1. Present to bartender.2. Collect beer. Good for a free beer anytime, anywhere.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.  Struggle ensues---quickly turns into fight for life  Local Man in "Fair Condition" When Good Animals Go Bad  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) Local deer hunter, Casey Jones, was mauled by a "killer deer" Tuesday afternoon while on a rain-soaked hike about 30 miles east of Puyallup. Jones, 39, complained that he didn't even have a rifle with which to defend himself, and that the attack was "totally unprovoked". Jones was hiking in the area when he heard some thrashing in the brush about thirty yards away. "I just froze, you know, thinking it might be a bear. Maybe I had invaded its territory or something." But it wasn't a bear---it was something far more vicious: a big carnivorous deer. Jones said the animal poked its head out of the thick underbrush and seemed to "size him up". Then, said Jones, the big buck charged. "I've worked bear country before," says Casey. "When a bear charges, you hold your ground, maybe back up a little, slowly. I've never been charged by a deer before. I wasn't exactly sure what to do!" According to witnesses, the buck seemed to have vengeance on its mind, as it made a straight-line charge for Jones and knocked him down right off the bat. "I thought that was going to be the end of me right there," admitted Jones. "Once I was on the ground with the wind knocked out of me, and that thing was snorting and digging at my body---I didn't think I'd ever get up again." But Jones did get up, and fought the marauding animal man to man---er, man to beast, that is. But while Jones was making uppercuts and roundhouse swings at the critter's snout, the beast got in a few good licks of its own. Casey survived with only minor scrapes and bruises, and one fairly serious bite. When asked about the bite, Jones refused to reply. But a nurse confided quietly, "It was 'below the belt'." "Can you believe a low blow like that?" piped up Jones. "What kind of deer attacks you for no reason at all, then bites you there?! That's just wrong. I knew then that buck was goin' down." Jones was treated and released. And what of the killer deer? "He was kinda tough," admitted Jones. "But with a little tenderizer, a good, hot barbie, and about a gallon of A-1, he was delicious."   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspapers.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Slacker? Slacker? Who's a Slacker?    We all know a slacker---or two. Give 'em the gift of love. Let 'em know they're noticed. Show 'em how much you care.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.    Local man, Casey Jones awarded Kent's "Slacker of the Year". Local Man Gets Coveted Slacker Award   Says He's Worked Hard for the Honor and Feels He Deserves It.    Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)   A Seattle employee for Hanson Inc. was awarded the city's first annual "Slacker Award" today. Casey Jones, a dock worker for a local warehouse, was chosen in a unanimous vote by friends, fellow employees, and, surprisingly, by the Kent City Council.   "We've never seen so many people pull together in such a concerted effort." Said Eileen Johnson, who worked on the nomination committee. "It was so refreshing to see so many of Kent's citizens utterly galvanized in this movement. We all wanted Casey to win. He was the natural choice. In fact," Ms. Johnson added, lowering her voice, "Casey was the only nominee."   When asked why the city decided to award the honor this year, the Mayor was quoted as saying, "Mr. Jones's level of commitment and his attendance record of late just seemed to call out to the community: 'I'm a slacker!   I'm the King of Slackers everywhere! Recognize me!' "Well," the Mayor went on, "we just couldn't ignore this man's accomplishment. It deserved attention and recognition, and that's what we're giving him."   Jones will be enjoying the fruits of his award soon. The city plans to have a gift certificate delivered to the Jones residence. Officially, it's contents were unknown; however this reporter has learned from reliable sources that Mr. Jones will be given a certificate for "Dinner for One at Burger World," (redeemable only at the Miami outlet).   Comments from the man's superiors at Hanson Inc. were less than gracious, with Mr. Jones's boss saying candidly, "I hope he chokes."   See SLACKERS, a sleazy new class of American, Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.   Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

What is it About Alien Anal Probes? Your brother-in-law has always secretly wanted one. Give him the gift that keeps on giving. (Remember to figure in enough copies for all his buddies, co-workers, relatives, neighbors, doctor, attorney, dentist, banker, his mother-in-law, etc., etc.....)   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Object Caught on Film. Rescue Teams Transport Victim Local Man Found Shackled to Tree-911 Response Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) Local man Casey Jones was rescued by 911 workers late Saturday afternoon, after children playing in a forested area that morning discovered the man shackled to a tree with a blanket over his head. He was reportedly sobbing. "I thought they were kidding!" admitted Anne Johnston, mother of two of the four children who discovered the man. "I feel bad about it-but I thought they were just joshing me and I didn't call the police right away. I hope that man doesn't blame me." In fact, Ms. Johnston waited about twelve hours before calling 911. Rescue crews and Sheriff's deputies arrived just before dark and cut the ropes and shackles that held Mr. Jones to the tree. "He was kind of blubbering," said Deputy Arsdale. "He didn't want to talk much except to say that it had been one hell of a long night. He kept repeating was something about aliens, and an anal probe, and being spanked. We couldn't really make too much of it, to be honest." Jones was transported to a local hospital where he was treated for minor lacerations of the buttocks and "some rectal difficulties", and released. Meanwhile, local police stations and news agencies across the county were swamped with calls reporting UFOs in the area, and at least one photo was taken. Jones's friends fielded requests for interviews, though Jones refused to comment personally on the incident to reporters. A relative confided, however, that Jones had been the subject of an informal search since the previous evening. "We didn't know where the heck he'd gone to," said the woman, who asked not to be identified. "He went out for a walk last night and never came back. Imagine, all night, tied to that tree, with those things doing whatever they did to him. That just makes a person shudder. He [Jones] seems fine now though. Just this anal thing. It's had an effect on Casey, you know? I just hope he can work through this." Casey was glimpsed briefly by reporters as he left the hospital, walking like he had a dry stick up his butt, and looking a bit downtrodden. The Sheriff's office promises to investigate further.   See "Anal Probe; What is it and Why Do Aliens Like it?" Page D-6   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Humiliate Anyone You Wish. In a GOOD way, of Course.    This selection is best used to roast your victim---just sprinkle a few articles around the vic's favorite bar, workplace, apartment, mail a few to parents and friends---then HIDE for about two years. And laugh. The photo in this piece features a man of average build. If your subject is thinner or fatter, or female, let us know---we have a selection of body types which will approximate that of your victim.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.   Security tape shows struggle between naked man and car-wash manager Local Man Arrested Again for Indecent Exposure "I just needed a shower!" claims man after stripping down in public car wash  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) "It's gotten to be a crazy world," said Doug Moore. "I have no idea what prompted this guy to take his clothes off in my car wash. He kept saying he just wanted to take a shower. As far as I could tell he hadn't been drinking. It didn't seem like he was on drugs. He just wanted to take a shower in my car wash. I don't know what else to say." Casey Jones admitted to taking his clothes off in the car wash, and also to an altercation that took place between himself and the business manager. But, he says, there were extenuating circumstances: "I just needed a shower," Jones complained. "There wasn't anybody around. There weren't any customers. So what the hell? I was going to pay the guy. But then he had to come up and put his hands on me. Now I ask you, is that a healthy situation? A guy's all soaped up and naked in your car wash, and you think you can just walk up to him and put your hands on him? That guy's a (expletive) pervert. His hands were slippin' all over the place. You never know where a man's hands are going to end up in a situation like that. Know what I mean, Vern?" The business manager has elected not to press trespass charges against Jones if Jones agrees not to press assault charges against him. "We removed the man from the premises for everyone's good," said officer Paul Eaton. "He was cited for public indecency, but the car wash has refused to pursue a trespass complaint. We're quite familiar with Mr. Jones. We want to see him get some help." Jones was cited and released after officers located his clothes under some nearby shrubbery, and he promised to keep them on, and to not trespass on the business's property again. See City Struggles with Increase in Deviate Behavior Page E-6   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspapers.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

"Doing Atkins" Get Thin. WAY Thin.     This is a gag about the "Atkins Diet", conceived of by Dr. Robert Atkins. This is a joke---but the diet is no joke. It works, and it works almost painlessly. Trust us. We feel Dr. Robert Atkins will one day be known as one of the most heroic crusaders in modern medicine.   This piece is designed for your friend or relative who's "Doing Atkins". Give 'em a chuckle, a little morsel of moral support; let 'em know you're thinking about them and that you're behind them. This diet requires less "willpower" than probably any other diet ever devised, so your friend's success is virtually guaranteed, as long as they stay with it.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Proof that "Doing Atkins" works; Before and after photos Local Gal is Proof Atkins Diet Really Works "I lost 296 pounds in only 11 days!" claims local woman  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) Local woman Casey Jones wanted to shed a few pounds, so she took up the world famous Atkins Diet barely two weeks ago. The controversial dieting regime, conceived by now-deceased Dr. Robert C. Atkins, M.D., forged a painful, lonely trail over the past twenty five years, beginning with Dr. Atkins' profound belief that refined sugars and carbohydrates were, in not so many words, the bane of all mankind. Most experts disagreed in the early years, but as one study after another through the decades has confirmed Dr. Atkins' beliefs, the "Atkins Way" has arguably become the nation’s most effective, most painless, and therefore most popular diet ever conceived. Ms. Casey Jones is one of the diet's millions of success stories. "Like everybody else I've tried them all," claims Jones. "I never felt good dieting. I was hungry, irritable, and whatever few pounds I managed to lose, bounced right back on like a rubber ball. I was constantly discouraged; I felt depressed and beaten. And for all my troubles, there was no real long-term benefit. I thought I was doomed to carry those unwanted pounds for the rest of my life." Ms. Jones said she tried Atkins on a lark---what did she have to lose? One more diet in a long string of nameless diets, she didn't have any real hope of it working. But it did work. "I just can't believe it," says the jubilant mother of three. "I've never felt so good! I can run and play with the kids now. I have more energy than I've ever had. Of course I can't go outside on a windy day, and little birds keep perching in my branch-like limbs, but what the heck? I'm THIN, and that's all that counts, right?" Casey does admit to being hospitalized recently for complications arising from being too thin, but claims it was "just a conspiracy by my family to make me fat again. They're just jealous of how great I look, that's all," Jones laments. Friends and family disagree, saying they'll support Casey no matter how she looks, but as her mother complains, "This is freaking ridiculous! The woman's a twig for God's sake! She wears Barbie clothes!" Jones says she finds a multitude of pastries, candies, lemon pies and the like on her doorstep every morning. "I think it's just some sicko leaving this crap," says Jones. "Lots of jealous people in the world. Jeeze" Casey does admit to one small irritation with the Atkins Diet. Referring to the sodium nitroprusside ketosis (lipolysis) strips many Atkins Dieters use for monitoring their ketone levels, Casey says, "I'm just tired of peeing on those little sticks, you know?"   See "Return of Twiggy" Page D-2   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE  

Biker Does the Narrows Our very best favorite bad-boy-biker piece. The little insets give credibility to this otherwise un-credible article. We've not run across anyone yet who didn't believe this without question. Did you know that Elvis is one of our writers? Wanna buy some cheap land in Florida? (that was a joke---don't get any ideas)   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.   Risky Business  Local Daredevil Pits Skills Against Bridge "I've done a lot of crazy things," said Ault. "But this is one I won't repeat."   Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A Hoodsport man, Ron Ault, has tackled the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, and won---sort of. Ault added the Tacoma Narrows Bridge to his growing list of accomplishments(?) this weekend, when he rode an off-road motorcycle up one of the cable stays that support the bridge. He used no safety lines. Getting down, however, proved to be a bit too much. "You can say I beat the bridge," said Ault, "And you can also say the bridge beat me." Ault's bike was lifted up to the small walkway that ascends the cable stay by half a dozen strong friends. Then he rode straight to the top without stopping. "I got the bike turned around at the top without too much trouble," he said. "But, to be perfectly honest, the ride up there bugged me a little bit. I sat there looking at that long hill down, and I just sort of choked." Ault was helped back to the bridge deck by local firefighters and rescue personnel. "The guy really did it all himself," said John Burger, rescue coordinator. "We stayed with him all the way down though. We made him put on a safety harness, and we relayed the safety cables past all the handrail stanchions. It was pretty good practice for us." Ault was promptly arrested on the car deck, and his motorcycle was impounded. A spokesperson for the Pierce County Sheriff's office was quoted as saying, "This (expletive expletive) has got to stop!" See Tacoma's New Narrows Bridge Page D-4   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Did We Say We Love Doing Bear Clips?--       Nature is Wunderful...Let us drop this cuddly guy into the parking lot of your choice. Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.  Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My! Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) "Western Washington is seeing an unusual increase in wild animal activity," says John Werner, spokesman for the Department of Natural Resources. "It's uncharacteristic of the region, and of the animals. At this time, we just don't know why it's occurring." Wild animal reports from concerned citizens have increased 740% over last year, say authorities. Mountain lions have been among the worst offenders. Bears come in second. "It's partly due to a reduction in trapping," Mr. Werner admitted. "Today's society is somewhat anti-trapping, but they also don't like the consequences of reduced trapping-namely, increased animal activity in their neighborhoods." Redmond animal control units have responded to twenty six reports of bears in yards, in garbage cans and even in garages just since the first of the year. There have been two attacks which were not fatal. The bear was captured and released unharmed yesterday when it began prowling a business complex early in the morning. Some animal behavioral scientists suggest the trend will continue, reaching "amazing proportions",  Cont'd D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Fish Stories. But with Proof   A nice little fish story, for those who want to stir up trouble down at the local fisherman's hang. And who shouldn't stir up a little trouble from time to time? (Perfect for Father's Day and Birthdays, not to mention a Stuffing in the Stocking at Christmas) Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.  Record African Pompano hangs on hoist in San Juan, Puerto Rico  It's a Boy! New record for African Pompano---52 Lbs., 8 Oz Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) No one seems to know if it's a boy or not, nor does anyone care. All that matters is that it's BIG. How big? Big enough to usurp the world record from Tom Sargent, whose 50 lb., 8 oz. beauty had held it since Apr. 21, 1990. Casey Jones was charter fishing out of San Juan when he hooked the monster. Casey said he was actually fishing for Barracuda, but will take the win anyhow. He hasn't yet decided if he'll have the fish mounted. "It would be a crime not to (have it mounted)," commented charter skipper Martin Fredrico. His company has offered to have the mounting done for free (in exchange for honorable mention in the record books). Mr. Jones said catching the fish was the most fun he'd had in years. "I'll definitely be back!" said Casey. See "Forty Fathoms" Page D-5  To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.   Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Sick. Really Sick. (by popular demand) Know a girl who's not as, well, discriminating as she oughta be when it comes to boyfriends? Have some fun with her with this piece. Then get out of town.  Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.   Local woman "just horsing around" Woman Arrested on 'Cruelty to Animals' Charges Suspect says, "Who's the victim here? Tell me! Who's the victim? There is no victim!"  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A Seattle woman, Casey Jones, was taken into custody Sunday in an industrial loft on Capital Hill, and booked on charges of cruelty to animals. She was photographed having sex with a horse. When asked if 'cruelty to animals' was an appropriate charge, Vice Detective John Clintok replied, "It's the only charge that was at all appropriate. We have no evidence to suggest that Ms. Jones charged the horse money to perform these acts, and the horse certainly wasn't forcing the girl to have sex with it. Jones can't be charged with prostitution---I mean, the horse has no money. It's clear to us that the horse didn't want to be there, that it was there against its will, that it was in fear of bodily harm if it departed, and that constitutes cruelty. The horse is an animal, therefore, Ms. Jones is charged with cruelty to animals. I know it's a logic that may be difficult for the lay-person to follow, but the law enforcement mind is highly trained." Contrary to Detective Clintok's appraisal of the situation, the horse did not appear eager to depart from the scene. In fact, four handlers with cattle prods were required to pull the horse off the woman. "I just don't see the problem," commented Casey. "This was a consensual act by both parties. We do it all the time. Hell, the horse likes it, I like it, it's no one's business but ours. Who the hell do these people (police) think they are, barging in here like this? No crime has been committed! I'll sue these bastards." The King County Prosecutor's office issued a statement claiming it would not consider dropping the charges, nor would it consider any type of plea bargain. "This horse has been traumatized," said a spokeswoman. "It's our responsibility to look out for the welfare of these animals. This poor beast will have to live with this for the rest of its life. The animal will have his day in court. I owe it that." See Horse Racing: Secrets to Faster Times and Happier Equines Page B-4   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE  

Aunt Mabel Can Use This as Documented Proof   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.    X-Ray shows bolt embedded in skull. Headache Sufferer Diagnosed Doctors Baffled Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A Port Ludlow man may have finally found the source of migraine headaches he has suffered for over twenty five years. Casey Jones, a retired minister, sought the help of doctors dozens of times over the years, but none could alleviate his chronic headaches. "They put me on this drug, then that drug," Jones said. "I think all the drugs over the years have caused me more discomfort than the headaches." Finally, in August of 2000, Mr. Jones was being treated for an unrelated ailment when his doctor ordered a series of head x-rays. "When we put up the first film," said Jones's physician, Dr. Bill Campbell, "we all just sort of stood back and no one said anything. Then someone chuckled, because we assumed the x-ray technician was having some fun with us." "The doctor came in and was kind of laughing, and he said I had to do the x-rays again," said Jones. "So I figured 'what the heck', and I went in and did them all over again." "When the second series showed the same results, we stopped laughing," said Dr. Campbell. "But no one could think of anything to say, either. We just stared at the films, and no one knew what to do next, or how to advise the patient." Several more series were taken over the next weeks by two different labs, and all the results were the same: Casey Jones had a bolt in his head. "They questioned me at length," said Jones, "trying to figure out how the bolt might have gotten there. They found a small scar behind my right ear, and we figured that's where the bolt entered. I was in an industrial accident many years ago, and I did have a cut behind my ear there," Mr. Jones continued, "and it was sore for a long time, but I never suspected this." Doctors believe Jones's bizarre condition is not life-threatening, and they are exploring ways to alleviate the headaches the bolt seems to cause. Casey's wife, Hazel, saw the humor in the situation, however, when she commented, "Now I know he's got a screw loose!" See 'Strange But True' Page D-5    To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Those Danged Bikers   Evel ain't got nothin' on you. Show 'em this to prove you hold the record. C'Mon girls. You can do this too. Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.   Motorcyclist flies high and long Grand Canyon Jump Successful "This was the greatest jump of my career!" Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A Tacoma, Washington man has successfully jumped the Grand Canyon---well, a piece of it, anyhow. Casey Jones has been planning the jump over a portion of the south rim for five years. Although the jump wasn't a record breaker for length, it was for height. Jones jumped a linear distance of only 245 feet, eight feet less than the 253 foot record. However, the drop from the centerpoint of the bike's trajectory was 1,461 feet. Asked if it looked like a long way down from the top, Jones retorted, "I wouldn't know. I had my eyes closed." Jones plans another stunt in Seattle within the next few months, though details are sketchy. "I've always wanted to ride right off the roof of the Space Needle and parachute into downtown Seattle," Jones grinned. "Maybe that one's in my future." Videotape rights to the Grand Canyon jump are being sold to the highest bidder. The starting bid was $110,000.00. "Taxes and expenses will eat the vast majority of any amount like that," said Jones. "But it'll still leave me with a good day's wages. See Biker BASE Jumpers Page D-5 To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.  Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE