Pre-Written Funny Newspapers (74)

Bah, Humbug You gotta be a little warped to enjoy this. Since we're a lot warped, we think it's funny as heck. If you're sick of shameless Christmas Commercialism, (and you don't mind being labeled a heinous killer) this one will suit you.    Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.    Suspect shown with Santa; several reindeer lay slain nearby Santa Claus and Four Reindeer Slain! Suspect Arrested, Released on Bail Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A Tacoma, Washington man, Casey Jones, was arrested Sunday on suspicion of homicide and cruelty to animals. He was taken into custody after witnesses reported the individual shooting at a man in a red suit, who was riding in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer, about twenty miles due east of Nome. "This is a sad case," said Federal Marshal John Menthe. "We've identified the victim as one 'Kris Kringle', AKA Claus, Santa, age, uh, well, I don't have that information. Apparently Mr. Kringle was testing a new sleigh, and conditioning his reindeer for an upcoming trek in December. It's a common event in these parts. -Kind of a practice run for the old guy. Most everyone hereabout knew him." Casey Jones had been querying local residents regarding this annual practice of Mr. Kringle. Several residents of Nome had been corresponding by mail with Mr. Jones, thinking he was merely interested in writing a story about Kringle. "We never dreamed that this guy, Jones, had anything sinister on his mind." Said Hannah Barclay, who runs the Nome Chamber of Commerce. "He seemed so polite." Authorities have traced Mr. Jones's actions during the 24 hours prior to the shooting. Sheriff Wheldon offered an accounting of the facts his office has uncovered: "Mr. Jones was tipped by a local that Kringle was out testing his new sleigh. That was on Saturday afternoon. Jones booked a flight to Nome and arrived within eight hours. The suspect stayed in the 'Log Cabin' motel Saturday night, then headed out into the bush on snow shoes early Sunday morning. He carried with him a Remington .338 Magnum rifle, outfitted with a 15 power Leopold scope. It's not uncommon to see folks troopin' around the countryside with a rifle," added Wheldon. "Bears and all." "Folks heard the first shots about 10:15 a.m.. A couple of village kids ran their snowmobiles out there to see if someone had had a run-in with a polar bear. But what those poor kids saw was---well, it was..." Deputy Verger was forced to take up the Sheriff's place: "Santa was just flyin' across the sky. It's a beautiful sight, if you've never seen it. This guy, Jones, was blasting away with that elephant killer of his. First one reindeer was hit, then another. They were screamin'. The sleigh was startin' to spin toward the ground. Four of the reindeer broke loose of the harness and flew off into the clouds. And Jones, cool as you please, just kept firin'." Deputy Verger paused to compose himself, then went on: "You can all see the end result. Santa augured in like a meteor. He was probably dead when he hit the ground. Jones finished off the reindeer as they lay tangled in the harness. Then he just stood there with one foot on the old guy, yelling 'YES! YES!', until we cuffed him." Jones was released on $1,000,000 bond and has returned to Western Washington. He was unavailable for comment at press time. See Shameless Commercialism Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspapers.com instead of using this form.   Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE  

DELTA AIRLINES GETS GREEDY!  Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.   DELTA AIRLINES TODAY ANNOUNCED THAT IT WOULD BEGIN AUCTIONING VARIOUS IN-FLIGHT SERVICES, INCLUDING SEAT SELECTION.    CUSTOMERS WHO BOOK ONLINE WILL BE PRESENTED WITH A NUMBER OF IN-FLIGHT OPTIONAL SERVICES, FOR WHICH THEY CAN PLACE THEIR MAXIMUM BID. OTHER PASSENGERS WILL BID AGAINST THEM. FOR INSTANCE, ON A FLIGHT WHERE A REGULAR COACH CLASS SEAT MIGHT SELL FOR $100, A COVETED WINDOW SEAT MIGHT BRING $200 AT AUCTION. WHEN A PASSENGER WINS A GIVEN AUCTION, THE AMOUNT OF THEIR MAXIMUM BID WILL BE AUTOMATICALLY ADDED TO THEIR TICKET PRICE AND AUTOMATICALLY DEDUCTED FROM THEIR PAYMENT METHOD (CREDIT CARD).   WHILE SOME PASSENGERS MIGHT BE MORE OR LESS OK WITH PAYING MORE FOR SPECIAL SEATS, MORE CUSTOMERS ARE CONCERNED ABOUT DELTA’S INCLUSION OF MANY OTHER SERVICES IN THE AUCTION PROCESS. FOR INSTANCE ALL FOOD AND SNACKS WILL BE SUBJECT TO AUCTION DURING THE FLIGHT. DOES THE FOOD LOOK PARTICULARLY GOOD? UP YOUR MAXIMUM AUCTION IN HOPES OF WINNING A MEAL. THIRSTY? DELTA CALCULATES THAT THIRSTY PASSENGERS MIGHT BE WILLING TO PAY $4-$6 FOR A BOTTLE OF WATER, DEPENDING ON THE LENGTH OF THE FLIGHT. HAVE TO USE THE TOILET? NOT A FREE SERVICE ANY LONGER UNDER DELTA’S NEW BUSINESS MODEL. “WE ASSUME THAT JUST ABOUT EVERYONE WILL NEED TO USE THE FACILITIES AT SOME TIME OR OTHER DURING A LONG FLIGHT. WE’RE HAPPY TO PROVIDE THOSE FACILITIES, BUT AS WITH EVERYTHING IN LIFE, CERTAIN EXTRA CHARGES MAY APPLY,” SAYS DELTA. GOTTA GO REALLY BAD? BUT YOUR CREDIT CARD IS ALREADY MAXED OUT BY THE COST OF THE TICKET AND A DECENT SEAT? DELTA CAUTIONS THAT UNDER FEDERAL GUIDELINES, GOING TO THE TOILET IN THE AISLE CAN BE CONSIDERED AN ACT OF TERRORISM, RESULTING IN ALL THE APPROPRIATE PENALTIES UNDER THE LAW. BEST TO CARRY SOME EXTRA CASH FOR ALL CONTINGENCIES.   DELTA INSISTS IT WILL NEVER BE “MEDIEVAL” ABOUT THE NEW AUCTION PROCESS. “WE’RE A COMPASSIONATE CORPORATION,” THEY SAY. “BUT FREE ENTERPRISE IS FREE ENTERPRISE, AND IF CUSTOMERS WANT TO KEEP DELTA IN THE AIR, THEY’RE GOING TO HAVE TO PONY-UP.” A COMPANY SPOKESPERSON SAYS THE AUCTIONS WERE NECESSARY TO KEEP THE AIRLINE FLYING, SAYING, “HEY! PEOPLE GOTS MONEY! WE WANTS IT!”  To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.  Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Want to Make a Point?   It's "the Nineties". Oops---It's even later than that. Employees are working more for less. Job security's a myth. The perks have perked. Get even.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Double-decker outhouse says "Management" and "Employees" New Toilet Facilities Installed at Local Warehouse A Joke in the Poorest Taste? Or Something More Sinister?  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) An unlikely structure was discovered in front of the Acme warehouse in Kent, this morning. And no one seems to know how it got there. Workers arrived for their early morning shift on Thursday to find a "double-decker outhouse" sitting in front of the customer load-out dock. On the top level, there is a sign which says "Management", and the sign on the lower unit, directly below that, reads: "Employees". The hole from the top unit empties directly onto the head of someone who might sit in the lower unit. "This is in the poorest possible taste," commented Paul Johnson, an executive with the firm. "We can't believe that anyone would think this is funny." Eric Smith, manager of the complex, vowed to get to the bottom of the stunt. "Whoever did this will pay the price," said Mr. Smith. "We have little management / employee disagreements from time to time, like any large company, but this....this is just disgusting." Several hourly employees milled around the spectacle during their break periods. Most thought the whole thing was hilarious. "This is in the best possible taste," John Walker chuckled. "I'd like to meet the man responsible for this and shake his hand." Pete Ogden didn't quite agree. "This is just going to cause us trouble," he said. "Management will be out to get us for sure, now." Secretary Carol Joy refused comment altogether, while Dave Smothers thought it was all just mild entertainment with no political agenda attached. "It's just good, clean fun," commented Mr. Smothers. "Personally, I think Gary James is responsible. That's what I've heard, anyhow." Acme management was busily trying to make arrangements to have the "atrocity" removed and disposed of; however the outhouse remained as of press time. "This is not good advertising," lamented one member of the management team who asked to be identified as "Caryl. "When I find the responsible party, there'll be some blood-letting. And you can count on it."   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Killer Deer Kicks Ass (he'll hate this; his hunting buddies will love it) This actually happened to someone we know. --Someone we know very, very well. Twice. Yes, it's true, deer can be vicious.Bastards.     Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.    Struggle ensues---quickly turns into fight for life  Local Man in "Fair Condition" When Good Animals Go Bad  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) Local deer hunter, Casey Jones, was mauled by a "killer deer" Tuesday afternoon while on a rain-soaked hike about 30 miles east of Puyallup. Jones, 39, complained that he didn't even have a rifle with which to defend himself, and that the attack was "totally unprovoked". Jones was hiking in the area when he heard some thrashing in the brush about thirty yards away. "I just froze, you know, thinking it might be a bear. Maybe I had invaded its territory or something." But it wasn't a bear---it was something far more vicious: a big carnivorous deer. Jones said the animal poked its head out of the thick underbrush and seemed to "size him up". Then, said Jones, the big buck charged. "I've worked bear country before," says Casey. "When a bear charges, you hold your ground, maybe back up a little, slowly. I've never been charged by a deer before. I wasn't exactly sure what to do!" According to witnesses, the buck seemed to have vengeance on its mind, as it made a straight-line charge for Jones and knocked him down right off the bat. "I thought that was going to be the end of me right there," admitted Jones. "Once I was on the ground with the wind knocked out of me, and that thing was snorting and digging at my body---I didn't think I'd ever get up again." But Jones did get up, and fought the marauding animal man to man---er, man to beast, that is. "I got in a few good licks," said Jones proudly. "I bloodied his nose. Everyone saw that. He won't be forgetting me so soon." But while Jones was making uppercuts and roundhouse swings at the critter's snout, the beast got in a few good licks of its own. Casey survived with only minor scrapes and bruises, and one fairly serious bite. When asked about the bite, Jones refused to reply. But a nurse confided quietly, "It was 'below the belt'." "Can you believe a low blow like that?" piped up Jones. "What kind of deer kicks your ass for no reason at all, then bites you there?! That's just wrong." Jones was treated and released. His hunting buddies have vowed to "git thet sucker" next season. Jones is unsure if he'll go along.     To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspapers.com instead of using this form.   Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE Full size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Just what, exactly, DOES eBay allow? Hint: They don't even know themselves...  We have friends of all colors. We're not even sure what color we are, since we're all terminally color blind. Frankly, we're sick of this whole race/color thing. Don't we all have better things to think about? We saw one instance where a huge black man's friend ordered this piece for him. We were present when he read it. It put him on the floor, and we thought we might have to call 911 to revive him, he was laughing so hard. He delights in leaving this on the coffee table when white friends come to visit him. He only tells a few the truth. When you have a LOT of fun with a piece, we like to hear about it. That's what keeps us going.   Sidenote: We used to promo some of these articles on eBay to gauge interest and response. This particular piece was banned from eBay, by eBay staffers, "because it makes fun of the KKK." We still have their emails. We argued with them for weeks. We showed them numerous eBay auctions that were selling old literature that was pro KKK. eBay said that was different. Go figure.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Local man (center) 'fesses up: I Am the Grand Wizard! Washington's Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard for Seven Years Goes Public "Why Did I Do It? I'm Tired of Being Asked That---It was My Version of an IQ Test for These People. I Wanted to Know if They Could Really Tell the Difference Between a White Man and a Black Man. They Couldn't." Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) The "Good 'Ol Boy" network of KKK members in Washington state was rocked on its heels today as Casey Jones, an African American dock worker for Hanson Inc., announced publicly that he was installed as the KKK's Grand Wizard seven years ago, and has held that position ever since. "There's no question that's the man," conceded an angry Billy Bob Wanker, spokesman for the NW Chapter of the Klan. "We put (Casey) in that position and we've supported him all these years. We're not sure where the breakdown occurred, but you can be hot-damn sure some heads are gonna roll because of it!" Casey says he took the position on a lark. "Everything with those folks is done in secret. Most of them don't even know what the others look like," said Casey. "There was a slip-up nine years ago, when one of the Klan accidentally called me at home and informed me that I'd been "cleared" to join the KKK by some guy named Jimbo, who was the third cousin of some other guy named Billy Ray, a member of the Klan in good standing. For the heck of it, I played along with the phone call. I never expected it to go further than that. But on the morning of the meeting, I started having crazy thoughts. I attended the meeting that night, with a white sheet over my head of course. Well, those guys liked me. They liked me a lot. And two years later they elected me Grand Wizard. What an honor! I never laughed so hard in my life, and I've been laughing ever since. Hell, I even cancelled my cable TV---who needs more entertainment than this? The KKK has made me a happy man. Watching those guys has been like watching Beavis and Butthead for seven wonderful years. I owe them a lot." Heads have indeed begun to roll within the inner sanctum of the KKK. "Frankly," said one KKK member, "We don't know if the Klan can survive this. It's a disaster." See Intelligence: What is it Exactly? Page D-6   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

You Know We Had to Do a UFO Piece We didn't want to succumb to considerable pressures to do a cheesy UFO piece. But we were finally told that it's a law. Send us a pic of your workplace, we'll make it a home for aliens.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Mysterious object in sky over Tacoma. Unidentified Object Over City Calls Flood Police and Media Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) An unidentified object hovered for about fifteen minutes today over west Tacoma before vanishing without a trace in an eastward direction. Hundreds of calls flooded Tacoma Police lines and local news papers, radio stations and television studios, as witnesses tried to make sense of what they saw. "This is an unusual case," stated John Pilluk, spokesman for MUFON, an International UFO reporting and research agency. "There's lots of documentation in the (Tacoma) case in the form of videotape and pictures, but we're not willing yet to say it was of extraterrestrial origin. We just don't know what it was." McChord Air Force Base officially stated that they had no "unusual" aircraft in the area, and military officials also stated that they were not tracking any objects over west Tacoma. The object was witnessed by numerous police and fire officials, but their accounts were varied and speculative. One Tacoma Policeman who asked not to be identified, said he felt it was definitely a balloon of some type, and that it was merely hovering in stagnant winds. But the Tribune also spoke with numerous local pilots who all agreed that there was plenty of wind to move the object away, had it been a balloon or a hoax of some type. Some witnesses said they could see the object spinning, while others said it definitely did not spin at all. Estimations of the object's position were varied as well. Many witnesses claimed the object was hovering only a few hundred yards in the air near a 6th avenue strip mall, while other reports came in which suggested the object was high above Point Defiance. "We may never figure this one out," said Pilluk. "We'd love to be able to say this is a definite and indisputable sighting of an extraterrestrial craft, but we're just not there yet." On Tuesday night, Seattle television stations reported large, bright green lights which "criss-crossed" the skies over Seattle and Edmonds for several minutes. It is unknown if there was any connection to the Tacoma sighting. See EXTRATERRESTRIALS Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Traffic Advisory Signs in County Get Hacked   This is one of the most fun pieces we offer. The story can be changed to anything you like---or re-write it from the ground up. It's up to you. But what makes this piece more fun than usual is that you can change the freeway sign to read anything (yep--ANYTHING) you want. "Don Loves Hazel" is just an example. Bear in mind that there's not room for a lot of characters, but you can still get your message across. How about: Happy 50th Birthday DadHappy Anniversary ElenaWelcome Home Brett RadcliffIt's a Boy Congrats Bob & TammiEric Suise Get Out of the HOV LaneEllie Johnson Slow Down!Jenny Baker Call Me!Dick---Last Night Was GREAT!John Sucks EggsBobby Will You Marry Me?Mary Hansen is a Slut7000 Car Pileup Ahead--Use CautionSimpson Dry Cleaning Offers 50% OffPee Wee Herman RulesJohnson Autobody Does it BestAbe's Tavern Has More GirlsDear John I Want a DivorceFor a Good Time Call Casey Bates at 555-351-9453Bette Davis Has Fake BoobsHappy Valentine's Day   You get the idea....    Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Message persisted for two hours despite efforts to over-write it.  Traffic Advisory Signs Hacked Inquiring minds want to know: Who the heck are Don & Hazel?  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) Traffic advisory signs county-wide went berserk Wednesday from about 4-6 p.m., right through the heart of rush hour on the Interstate. Highway engineers are "peeved". "We were hacked!" admits a chagrined Thomas Ellis, supervisor for the state's computer department. "Someone, somehow....hacked into our system and posted the message. We don't know how it happened." State police spokesperson Amy Wells said that Troopers would love to know who 'Don and Hazel' are. "This may seem like a harmless stunt," says Wells, "but the computer systems are regulated by the government, and to break into one is a serious crime." But Trooper Wells was unable to completely suppress a grin. Tom Ellis said the state would be 'beefing up' computer security for the highway department. "It's hard to say if we're dealing with someone who had the technical expertise themselves to hack into the system and post this message, or if someone with that talent is hiring himself out for practical jokes. Either way, I'm betting he won't get past my security next time!"  See TELL IT TO THE WORLD Page D-1   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

It's the End of the World. Again.Scare the Girls at Work. Unfortunately, this is another true story. Well.....sort of.The "Desktop Black Hole" is real enough.There really was a heated controversy overwhether or not it could be contained.But it was contained.--For now. There's nothing to fear though. After all, thestate department is looking into it. Sleep tight! (To personalize this piece, let us put the research facility in the neighborhood of your choice. Good for manipulating Real Estate values nearby)   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Tiny Black Hole Artificially Created for Research    Physics at Scotland University Run Afoul; Science 'Concerned' "These experiments should have never been allowed to go forward." Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) Physicists in Scotland last January performed pioneering experiments to create tiny, artificial black holes in the laboratory which will be able to suck in light or sound waves. The researchers expected the "desktop black holes" to provide important information about the fundamental behavior of matter and energy and to help resolve some of the apparent contradictions that lie at the heart of theoretical physics. The foundations for the experiments were developed by Professor Adolf Heinrich and his team at the University of St. Marcos, with funding from the Engineering and Physical Anomalies Research Council. In space, a black hole is formed when a star collapses in on itself. Because of its hugely concentrated mass, it has an extremely high gravitational pull. To escape from a black hole, matter or energy would need to travel at a velocity greater than that of light -- something which is not possible. The experiments were carried out in strict secrecy due to substantial opposition and controversy regarding the safety of the procedures involved. Many scientists believed that once a black hole was created, no matter how small, it would be destined to grow in size and strength, and could never be stopped. It was akin to the nuclear "China Syndrome". Eventually, some scientists argued, any black hole would consume the earth. Those fears were rebuffed by physicists involved in the project. "It's unfortunate," admitted Professor Heinrich, "that control of the experiment was lost." The University has confirmed that the microscopic black hole has, indeed, "resisted all attempts to neutralize it". In an official statement the University said: "We regret that the [black hole] continues to grow. We are working to contain it, however our attempts have been only partially successful. Still, we do not believe there is any significant danger to the population at this time." Scientists with the project have confirmed off the record that the tiny anomaly continues to "absorb" any container they try to place around it. As it absorbs more and more matter, it needs to absorb more and more matter. This will increase at a geometric rate and may be unstoppable. When asked for some estimate of the black hole's "area of influence", one researcher conceded that one wing of the University has been cordoned off, while "some portion of one room" has been [absorbed] into the hole. The US State Department promises to look into the matter. See Human Cloning Legalized in South Africa Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Some Would Say This is Cruel and Unusual Punishment... Naw.....they deserve it. Now, we're not "stock prudes". We've made a few bucks in the market. Honestly, we feelbetter when we work for a living, and some might say that's evidence of poor breeding.And so it may be. But we have kind of a hard time with those smug types who think they've got the world by the Kahoneys because they invested in Microsoft in 1984. And they might be right. Then again.....they might be wrong. Spread a few of these around the office. Then sit back, and watch the show. Let's see...Greed...the sixth? Fourth? First?Of the Seven Deadly Sins, which one is greed? We forget.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.    Floor Frantic in Wake of Slump Stocks Slump; Emergency Actions Invoked A Few Markets Hit Lows Comparable to 1989  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) The local sharemarket suffered its biggest decline in more than twenty eight months yesterday. It fell 3.8 per cent as investors reacted to concerns the United States is heading towards a recession which prompted another savage fall overnight on Wall Street. The All Ordinaries index closed 157.2 points lower - its biggest drop since the start of the "tech wreck" in April of last year - wiping $112 billion off the value of the equity market. Leading the decline was Data Corp, whose shares fell $14.41. Shares in the media group, trading at a record highs in March, are now $14.12 lower than at the start of the year. Data Corp, together with Feps and Mende Lease, accounted for more than half the All Ords fall. The local market plunge followed a 5.5 per cent slump overnight Wednesday on the influential Dow Jones Industrials index. The Nasdaq fell 17.1 per cent, bringing its fall so far this week to 21 per cent. Nasdaq is now at levels seen last in March 1989. The US Federal Reserve Board, which opted to keep interest rates on hold this week, is expected to cut rates well ahead of the next scheduled meeting of the Federal Open Markets Committee, its interest rate setting body, late in January. Mr Winton Summoriagli, head of funds management at Investors Security, said despite the volatility, trading on the local sharemarket was expected to show "some resiliency". He is advising investors to stick with solid stocks traditionally associated with earnings certainty. "In the current climate stocks like the banks may continue to hold steady," he said. "High techs, however, will still suffer 'more than significant' downside." "This is a very scary time." See Emergency Meeting Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Seattle Collapses Under Strain of Quake #2   Same story as Fake/Joke Newspaper Article C-71; Different Photo......   (Let us annihilate your city too)   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.    Buildings Left Askew in Wake of Quake  Major Earthquake Hits City! State Under "State of Emergency". Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) At 10:55 A.M. a magnitude 7.0 earthquake struck the Seattle area, centered 11 miles Northeast of Olympia at the apex of Nisqually Valley Delta and Puget Sound. Damage is reported as extensive and at least 12 are hospitalized. Western Washington has been placed under a state of emergency. Police and fire resources are strained. Sea-Tac Airport is closed until further notice, and highway traffic in and out of the area is limited. Telephone outages are widespread, with cell capabilities being completely overwhelmed, and hard-wire telephone service being heavily strained. Many downtown buildings have sustained structural damage, and at least two search and rescue operations were underway inside collapsed buildings at press time. The Pioneer Square area of Seattle seems to have sustained the worst damage, being home to most of the area's oldest buildings.   See Related Story Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE  

Space Cows... There must be something on that rock, right?     Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Arrows show shaded areas which appear to move over time   Mars Has Ice! Says Science. And "Other Things" Too    Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)   A new global map of Mars has revealed a host of valleys carved from otherwise smooth areas that might be signs of the Red Planet's most recent ice age. The features also bolster the case for a vast reservoir of liquid water just below the surface.   While Mars is known to contain significant volumes of water ice at its poles, researchers have yet to prove their suspicion that liquid water lurks under the rest of the planet's dusty surface. If found in warmer non-polar regions, water would be an invaluable resource that could support human colonies and exploration.   The discovery of vast regions of ice was surprising enough. But another possibility is just now being raised by NASA scientists examining recent mission images of the ice regions.   John Hansen, senior Mars expert with NASA is quick to explain that NASA plates 8-B4532aa and b, respectively, depict an as-yet "totally unexplained phenomenon".   The mystery involves the dark areas near the southeast corner of the image region (the lower right-hand corner of the photos). Image 8-B4532aa, taken on March 3rd, 2002, from the lowest altitude ever, and using the most sophisticated imaging equipment ever used, shows two distinct areas of gray matter.   "We've seen suggestions of these types of areas in the past," admits Hansen, "but we've never had the clarity we're getting now."   The problem facing NASA researchers is to explain why the gray smears in the first plate are significantly smaller than the gray blobs depicted in the second plate, shot from Mars orbit roughly twenty four earth-hours later.   More troubling still is the fact that some researchers are claiming they can resolve the gray areas into dots---tens of thousands of brownish dots.   NASA is quick to denounce suggestions that the Mars dots tend to look identical to vast herds of Caribou, bison or even domestic cattle when photographed from satellites far above the Alaska tundra or Nevada.   "It would be ludicrous to make that connection," admonished one NASA representative, who refused to be identified. "The notion of space cows, or any other kind of herd animal existing on the Mars ice fields is beyond fantasy."   NASA has refused to issue an official statement pending further investigation.   See "Second Face Discovered" Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Got a Company Roast Coming Up?  This piece has been requested for years. We resisted. Our customers insisted.So don't blame us.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.   High Tech Equipment Put to Dubious Use  University of Washington Discovery "This is done in the name of science," says Professor  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A local man, Casey Jones, 32, has found himself the dubious recipient of scientific and media attention over the past few weeks. "I just want it all to stop," says Jones. "Doesn't the world have anything better to do?" Jones's fame-or his problems, depending on your point of view, began three weeks ago when he visited his physician for a routine checkup. "I've always dealt with a particular doctor," said Jones. "He's known me all my life, and he understands my, uh, uniqueness. But my regular doctor was on vacation this time, and I had to get my checkup done to satisfy my insurance company." Casey proved to be in perfect health, but his substitute doctor noted a physical anomaly which Jones has been careful not to advertise during his life. "I'm small, okay?" said Jones, a bit derisively. "I was born that way; it's never caused a problem, and my wife says she's perfectly happy. That should be the end of it." But Casey's interim doctor was so intrigued by the medical aspects of his patient's atypical anatomy that he talked Jones into undergoing further tests, simply for the sake of science. "This guy told me a number of times that the tests would be strictly confidential, and that the results would never be made public. Apparently he just plain lied," opined Mr. Jones. Casey's doctor disagrees. "I don't recall promising Casey his case could be kept totally secret. I certainly didn't divulge it, but you have to realize that when you have a dozen or more technicians working on a case, well, a slip of the tongue, no pun intended, is inevitable. Regrettable, perhaps, but inevitable." The University's new Blair Model 3322 electron microscope was commandeered for the project, and the results have been certified by lab personnel. "Mr. Jones's penis," stated the physician at an off-campus press conference, "is, we believe, the smallest organ on record." Indeed, measuring a mere .0003 microns in length, it took the University staff roughly three weeks to locate it. "To put it in perspective," continued Casey's doctor, "If Casey's penis was a toothpick, a human hair would be a California Redwood. This is very exciting." Asked if the discovery would be reported to Guinness for possible inclusion in the official record books, the doctor replied, "That would be in the poorest possible taste." See "What is Poor Taste?"   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE  

Men from Mars. There are So Many! We all know about the "Face on Mars". Well, now there are two. Believe it or not, no one even questions this. For an additional fee, we'll composite the face of your choice (or of your dreams) as the second face on Mars. (The second face has been made purposefully hard to see. Folks tend to sit around in bars for hours, staring, turning the picture, studying---then, all of a sudden, some blonde in the corner screams out, "Oh! Now I see it!") Just rotate the article 90 degrees counter-clockwise, and the "second face" will jump right out at you. We even left the guy's glasses on. Good Grief.     ARTICLE TEXT BELOW, FEEL FREE TO COPY AND MAKE CHANGES TO THE STORY YOU SUBMIT TO US.    NASA Plate shows "unidentified" symmetrical pattern Second Face Discovered on Mars Surface? NASA Scientists Discredit Interpretation   Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)   NASA scientists and astronomers met behind closed doors today in Seattle, to presumably prepare a collective statement regarding the claim that a second "face" has been discovered on the Mars surface.   "It was there all the time," said Bill Slokum, proponent of the notion that certain symmetrical patterns represent a face. "We just needed the plates that showed it under the proper lighting conditions. We were sure when the first face was seen," continued Slokum. "But when we obtained new plates through the freedom of information act, and saw the new pattern east of the original, then we knew we were really on to something. This is one of the plates NASA didn't want you to see, ladies and gentleman. It's up to the people to ask them why."   James Andersen, a veteran of many Mars probe projects, was selected by the elite group as temporary spokesman while in Seattle.   "I can state categorically," said Andersen, "That this new area of random rock formations is just that and nothing more---random rock formations. There is no possible way anyone could interpret the images as representative of anything more."   Slokum says his group expects to receive more previously unreleased NASA Mars plates. "We'll see what we see then," he concluded.   See Manned Mission Finally on Docket Page D-5   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Mo' Bad Boy Bikers A good one to impress those scaredy-cat weenies at the local biker bar. Boys or girls, young or old; we'll write it either way.   Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Biker Races Monorail as it Departs Westlake  Seattle Man Arrested After Monorail Stunt Suspect says, "I didn't see a single "Keep Out" sign!"  Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.) A local man was arrested Saturday after completing a bizarre stunt in which he rode a motorcycle from Westlake Mall to the Seattle Center---about a mile and a half---along the track of the Monorail, over 40 feet above street level. Scot Hasenkamp was taken into custody without incident after he stopped on the track on the west end of the route. "It was a lark," Hasenkamp admitted. "We've been planning this for a couple of years now. I did a lot of practicing in parking lots by chalking off a course that was exactly as wide as the monorail track, and then riding along that path until I knew I could stay within the lines no matter what. Then there was all the planning involved in sneaking the bike to the monorail platform at Westlake, and then we had to get it through the toll gate and out onto the track. We worked hard to pull this off." Asked if it was worth it, Hasenkamp replied, "Let's wait and see how much my bail is before we make that determination." Hasenkamp had arranged to videotape the stunt, and then sell rights to the video tape to various "Extreme Sports" shows in the TV market. In a twist of cruel irony, one photographer forgot to bring a charged camcorder battery, and the other was mugged for his camera at 5th and Blanchard, so no videotape was taken. See Outlaw Bikers Page D-7   To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.    Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...       There's not a woman alive who wouldn't enjoy receiving this. She'll get enough copies to allow one or two to "accidentally" fall out of her purse at Bingo. Be sure to tell us the city and state you want to use.   SOME OF OUR ARTICLES CAN BE CUSTOMIZED BEYOND JUST THE TEXT---FOR INSTANCE, THE TROPHY MAY SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT.     Article Text Below, Feel free to copy and make changes to the story you submit to us.     Trophy Awarded to Local Girl  Seattle Hairdresser Wins 'Miss Western Washington'  Judges Voted Unanimously---First Time in 94 Year Contest History   Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)   A three man/two woman panel voted unanimously today to award the state's 94th "Miss Western Washington" to Casey Jones. She was chosen from a roster of over four hundred ladies, with twenty three making it as far as the finals. This is the first time in the contest's history that the vote was unanimous.   "Casey is a heart throb in every sense of the word," commented 57 year old judge Thomas Brighton. "As the contest progressed, we were all left fairly speechless. Ms. Jones's charm was captivating, her intelligence was like a sunbeam in a dark and irrational world, her beauty was utterly unsurpassed. No other contestant came close in my estimation."   Ms. Jones will formally assume her duties in about two months time. She will continue her hairdressing career with 5th Ave Barbers in Seattle. Ms. Jones has vehemently refused a million dollar photo-op offer from Playboy, saying she doesn't feel that's what the region needs right now.   "I have lots of plans for the betterment of our area," says Casey. "But taking my clothes off for money isn't among them."   Darlene Johnson, one of the two female judges on the panel, said simply, "Casey is a Princess. Her heart is true and her mind is straight. We love her."   See Contest Principles and Goals Page D-5     To create your own story from scratch,using your own main image, pleaseclick www.fakenewspaper.com instead of using this form.     Whole Size is a two-sheet, eight-page WHOLE newspaper WITH HEADLINEPoster Size is HUGE, printed on stiffer poster stock; one page WITH HEADLINESmall Size is SMALL -- roughly a 6 x 9 inch "Pocket Clipping" with NO HEADLINE Tabloid is tabloid sized, smaller than the Enquirer; one sheet, two pages each WITH HEADLINEFull size is one full page, NOT one full SHEET; it's an INSIDE half-sheet page with NO HEADLINE